Humiliation Play

Dear Travis,

I have a small penis and have been self-conscious about it most of my life. It has affected me greatly with sex and dating. Recently, I got naked for the first time with a girl that I have been dating. I told her that I didn’t have a big penis right beforehand, I guess to prepare her, and she answered, “Well, let’s see if that little dick fits all the way down my throat.” It was so cool. I got so turned on, I immediately got hard. She noticed too and ever since then, I’ve been getting really excited and hard when she makes other comments about my penis size. The worse the comment is, the better. Why is this? I used to be so ashamed — but now I’m turned on.

SPH, or small penis humiliation, is a form of degradation play that uses eroticized shame for arousal. We often think of shame as a bad or negative feeling, but shame can have many different faces and elicit different responses within the body. For men, penis size is a touchy subject, and one filled with challenges to masculinity and confidence.

In your case, SPH appears to empower. In certain contexts, especially in trusted, safe, secure environments, humiliation play that uses eroticized feelings can be incredibly arousing. Some use erotic shame as a way to empower themselves and challenge feelings of inadequacy. Penis size is one of those male sexuality topics where many feel powerless and insecure. SPH is a way to psychologically turn the tables from fear and insecurity to power and control. For those who are able to eroticize shame in this manner, it can be a wonderful addition to their sexual psyche.

There is also an element of partner acceptance, which may add to your arousal. You told her something incredibly personal, filled with anxieties and fears of judgment or embarrassment. She learned one of your deepest, darkest secrets and she accepted you for who you are. When we think of inadequacy, it’s often rooted in lack of self-acceptance. My guess is her sexualization and eroticization of your penis has also helped you become more confident and accepting of your own body image and penis size. SPH may not be for everyone, but it sounds like it’s for you.

Red Penis

What does it mean when the tip of your penis is slightly red and it feels a little burning inside your penis? Is it a disease? It can’t be, because I don’t have sex, only hook up.

When I hear of redness and burning, I always refer to a medical doctor for an examination. Even if the redness is slight or the burning is just a little, it’s best to get evaluated and tested, especially for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Better to be safe than sorry, and early detection and treatment is always best. For what you’re describing, if it is an infection, those symptoms generally line up with chlamydia or gonorrhea, which can be treated with antibiotics.

About this “I only hook up” business: Depending on the hooking up you’re doing, it’s possible to contract an STI. There are so many versions of what “hooking up” is these days that I won’t even try to define it. Just remember that any exposure to body fluids can open the door to an STI. That means coming in contact with the body, genitals, mouths and body fluids comes with risk. For example, receiving a blow job may not seem like sex, but it is oral sex. And if your partner has gonorrhea of the throat, you might be exposed and contract it. Your best bet is to have partners tested beforehand and/or use barriers (condoms, female condom, dental dam, gloves, etc.).