Valentine’s day might be an unpleasant day of the year for singles, but it’s awfully dreadful for someone who has just been dumped and is hoping to get an ex back.
If you want to get your ex back, Valentine’s day can be really confusing.

Should I call my ex?
Should I wish them Happy Valentine?
Should I ask my Ex out?
Should I go on a date with someone else?
Is my ex planning to go on a date on V Day?

In this article, I’ll try to clear out all the doubt you might have regarding your ex and Valentine’s day.

Should You Call or Text Your Ex On V Day?

The only reason to call your ex on Valentine’s Day is if you two are going out on a date. Any other reason for contacting your ex will make you look needy and desperate. You might want to convince yourself with reasons like

I just want to wish them a Happy Valentine
We always wished each other Valentine, even before we were together. I think it’ll be rude not to wish them.
I just want to call my ex and know if he/she has any plan for Valentine

And all these reasons reek of neediness. Here’s why.
You and your ex are officially broken up right now. If you contact them on Valentine’s day, the day made famous by greeting card companies for being the most romantic day of the year, you are making it obvious that you are not over your ex and you are hoping that somehow this magical day will make them come back to you.

But What If My Ex Is Going On a Date On V Day?

Even if your ex is planning to go on a date on Valentine’s Day, calling them is not going to change that. You are only going to make yourself look like a fool trying to convince your ex not to go on a date.

But I Just Want To Know if My Ex Has a Date?

How will it affect you? It’ll only make you feel worse. And it’s going to make you look needy and desperate in front of your ex. Let them have their date, if you ever get back together again, you can ask them whether or not they had a date for Valentine’s. But until then, don’t talk about it.

Should I Get a Gift for My Ex on Vday?

Again, it’s a needy and desperate move. Unless you are already back together (or are extremely close to reconciliation), getting your ex a gift will show him that you are expecting the magical Valentine’s day to reignite their feelings for you. I won’t recommend getting them a card either.

Should I Go Out On a Date?

Absolutely. It’s better than sitting home and feeling miserable about you.

Should I Ask My Ex Out on a Date?

Now I mentioned you should only contact your ex on Valentine’s Day if you want to ask them out on a date. But whether or not you should ask them out depends on your situation.
If you and your ex boyfriend or girlfriend are extremely close to getting back together, then yes asking them out might be a good idea.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you two have just broken up, and/or you are still in the no contact period, then asking your ex out is extremely risky.


You have to evaluate the risk in asking your ex out on Valentine’s Day. If you want to get your ex back, you need an overall strategy (like the one in the 5 step plan). You have to evaluate if asking them out on V Day fits into your strategy. If it doesn’t, you have to let this day go.
Don’t fret about missing one Valentine with your ex. It’s just a holiday overhyped by the media and the greeting cards company. Your goal is to have a long and healthy relationship with your ex, which will include many Valentine, New years, Birthdays etc. that you’ll cherish forever. Don’t jeopardize your goal just to spend one overhyped holiday with your ex.

Your ex will tell you a lot of things after the breakup, but you can’t really believe everything they say. Heck, you can’t even trust their action. Overanalyzing your ex’s behavior will drive you crazy. And in reality, analyzing their behavior is not going to help you get your ex back or move on.
For example,
They will like your status on Facebook and then Unfriend you.
They will text you when they are drunk but won’t pick up your calls the next day.
They will be sitting at your favorite coffee shop but won’t come and say hi to you.
They will start dating someone else but will get angry when they find out you started dating someone else.
The truth is your ex is hurt and probably confused about their feelings for you. Luckily, there are a few signs that will tell you whether or not your ex still loves you. But first let me make it clear that these signs do not mean that your ex wants to get back together. In fact, since you and your ex were in a meaningful relationship, I am sure that they still like you (or maybe even love you) and they still have strong feelings for you. But this does not mean that they want to get back together. If they want to get back together, they will show completely different signs.

Even though these signs don’t mean they want to get back together, there are still something you can do when you see these signs that will increase your chances of getting back together. You can find it in the “What you should do?” section under each sign.

Sneaky Sign No. 1: Emotions

Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. If an ex shows any type of negative emotions for you (including anger and hatred), it’s because they are hurt. It’s because they had expectations that you didn’t meet. It’s because they are an emotional mess because of you.


But the truth is, they are only hurt because they love you. You broke their expectations because they have expectations from you. And the reason they are an emotional mess is because they still have feelings for you.
Think about it, why would someone spend so much time and energy into hating you or being angry at you? They broke up with you. Wouldn’t it be easier to just forget about you and move on? The reason they say they have these negative emotions you is because they still have feelings for you. They just don’t want those feelings to be there, so they are confusing those feelings to be hatred or anger.

What You Should Do?

Give them time and space. Just stop contact with them and let all the negative emotions subside. There is literally nothing you can say to them that will turn their negative emotions into positive ones. But if you say nothing to them, time will eventually kill all the hatred and anger inside them and they will start remembering the good of the relationship. Time is the only thing that can make their hatred and anger go away. And when it does go away, they will realize that they are still in love with you.

Sneaky Sign No. 2: They Are Being Competitive

Is your ex trying to make you jealous? Do they post pictures on facebook specifically to push your buttons? Are they going out of their way so that you know that they are dating someone new? Do they become extra flirtatious with other people when you are around? Then congratulations, your ex is probably still in love with you (aside from being a little immature).What your ex is trying to do is win the post breakup competition. Not only is it a pretty immature way of dealing with the breakup, it’s also a very ineffective way. The fact that they are doing this means that you are on their mind most of the time. And the fact that you are still on their mind means that they are still in love with you.

What You Should Do?

Let them play their game while you actually try to improve your life. Do the three things that you must do during the no contact rule. Do the things you enjoy and start going out on dates. If they are being competitive, they are probably watching everything you do. Seeing you actually improving in your life is going to make them second guess their decision to breakup.

Sneaky Sign No. 3: Push/Pull Behavior

If your ex is cold one minute and hot the other, then you can be sure they have feelings for you. They will pull away and won’t talk to you for weeks, and then suddenly push to spend time with you. They will ignore your calls and then start calling you everyday. They will stop responding to your texts and then start texting you randomly.
This behavior simply means that they are confused about their feelings for you. Their heart is still in love with you but they are trying to convince themselves that they should stay broken up. They miss you and want to spend time with you, but they are stopping themselves because they think you are not good for them.

What You Should Do?

Be cool. Stay calm and don’t let their irrational behavior get to you. If you respond to their unstable behavior, you are showing a sign of neediness. Whatever happens, don’t ever ask them “Why you didn’t reply to my text?” or “Why you didn’t pick up my call?”
If they become cold, you become cold. Simple as that. Don’t reward their cold behavior by paying them more attention.

Sneaky Sign No. 4: Drunken Dialing

If your ex calls you when they are intoxicated, then it’s an obvious sign that they still have feelings for you. However, you should be very careful about what you say to them when they call you or text you drunk. It could be that they confess their love to you when they are drunk and they become completely cold the next day.

What You Should Do?

Any drunken calls from your ex should be received with caution. Do not talk about YOUR feelings when they are drunk. It doesn’t matter how much they ask you “If you still love them”, you should not reply. Just a simple “You are drunk and I don’t want to talk about it right now” should do the trick.
Do not confess your love to them when they are drunk. It will only make them realize the next day that you are still not over them and that they still have you third point of this article to understand why they shouldn’t feel like they still have you).

Sneaky Sign No. 5: Contacting You During The No Contact Rule

If you’ve read the 5 step plan, I recommend you start no contact with your ex after the breakup. This is perhaps the most effective way to win your ex back for good. During this no contact period if your ex contacts you, then you can be sure that they are thinking about you and they still have feelings for you.

What You Should Do?

Don’t pick up the phone. Talking to them is going to defeat the purpose of no contact. You need to prove to yourself that you can survive without your ex for at least 30 days. It’s hard but in the end, you will realize it was worth it. Also, when you don’t pick up their phone, they are going to start wondering whether or not you have moved on. They will start realizing that you are not a needy person and that you are not available for them whenever they need you. Trust me, you are going to become more attractive in their mind by not answering them.

Some guys come to me knowing they’re needy. Other guys need to be told. In fact, I’d say most men who are being needy in a relationship (or in general) don’t know they’re being needy — or how they’re needy, which can be even trickier to spot.
And yet neediness is one of those qualities, like insecurity and general awkwardness, that can fester for years, often without anyone diagnosing it, often without the person even realizing it’s there. It can destroy romantic relationships, compromise professional opportunities, and contribute to a cycle of frustration, depression, and dissatisfaction. It’s also hard to clearly define. It can show up as desperation, nagging, and self-centeredness, or bundled with other mundane qualities like talkiness, clinginess or perfectionism.
Whatever the particular manifestation, every single guy knows what it feels like to be needy. At some point, we’ve all exhibited needy behaviors. What’s worse, it can suddenly grip us from time to time in certain contexts, even if it’s not a constant characteristic, which is part of why feelings of neediness can be so scary, difficult and unpredictable to manage. For others of us, it’s a constant worldview, a general desperation and insecurity underlying every interaction.
Either way, it is one of the most important topics here at AOC, and it doesn’t get talked about enough.
So let’s talk about it, honestly and openly. Let’s get a handle on exactly what neediness is,  why it’s so troublesome, and — most importantly — how to address it.
Because fixing this one problem can have massive repercussions across your life.
Why No One Likes a Needy Man
It’s probably no surprise that neediness is a major attraction killer.
What’s harder to get a handle on is why no one likes being around a needy man.
It’s a tricky concept. On the one hand, we often teach you to know what you want in life, state your desire, and go for it. On the other hand, very few people want to engage with desperate, desirous people.
But that’s the difference: need is different from neediness. A confident, self-oriented person has needs. An insecure, codependent person is needy. It’s a fluid and abstract mental-emotional shift that takes us from one to the other, and the roots go deep.
Since we’re not here to play Freud, though, let’s focus on the behaviors and qualities of neediness here. Generally speaking, neediness can take two common forms:

1. Neediness as a form of approval seeking. Neediness is (among other things) a tacit confession that other people know more, do more, or are generally better than you. It immediately shifts power to the other person and diminishes your own, often without your conscious awareness. By being needy, you want other people to reassure you that you’re okay, that you’re doing things right, that you have their approval. To understand the effects, recall the last time you encountered someone who was seeking your approval. It was probably draining, off-putting and exhausting, and it probably did not increase your respect or enjoyment.
2. Neediness as a form of attention seeking. We all come with a healthy narcissism that requires and benefits from positive attention. That’s normal. It becomes pathological when your desire to be reinforced takes on ways of seeking excessive attention. In fact, neediness can be understood as a subtle, sometimes subconscious way of demanding attention that we haven’t earned.

Of course, these forms can appear in various contexts: at work, at home, with family, or in public. For this piece, we’re going to focus on five common ways that you might be exhibiting needy tendencies in your romantic relationships, and how that neediness is affecting your life.
Five Signs You Are being Needy in a Relationship

1. You Never Spend Any Time With Your Friends

Think about the last time she had a girls’ night out, or you went out with your guy friends. How long ago was it? Did one of you tag along? In general, do you cancel on plans with friends to hang with her? You don’t need to be going out with the guys as much as you were when you were single. However, if you’ve never spending time with your guy friends there’s a good chance it’s because you’re clinging a little too tightly to your girl.
Take some time and think about it. Are you spending as much time with your guy friends as you want? How much less time are you spending with them now that you’re attached? If you keep bailing at the last minute, ask yourself why this is. Does it stem from an insecurity about having too much of a social life of your own? Are you afraid of what she’ll do if you don’t give her all of your time?
How This Is Negatively Affecting Your Life: Alone time is important, but shrinking your life to only include her is a common mistake and a sign of neediness in relationships. No matter who you are, no matter how much you like each other, you’ve got to get a little bit of time apart here and there. It’s far better for a relationship to be comprised of two strong, healthy, independent people than it is for one or both of them to be needy and greedy with the time of others.
What’s more, don’t you want time for yourself? Time spent both alone and in groups that do not include a significant other are important for maintaining balance in your life. Cheating yourself out of that time places unnecessary strain on your relationships; It also takes away time and energy you should be investing in yourself.
What You Can Do About It: Start a regular guys’ night with your friends. It can be hitting a bar, playing cards or golfing. Whatever it is, make sure that you leave your girl at home. Maintain and nurture the relationships that you have with your friends. They’re a necessary and healthy complement to the relationship you have with the woman in your life.

2. You Bargain For Her Time

You want more time with your girl? That’s fine. What’s not really healthy is trying to bargain, beg or emotionally blackmail her into giving it to you. Passive-aggressive isn’t a good look on anyone. It’s doubly not a good look on men. So if you want more time with the woman in your life you need to go about it in a straightforward and honest way — or not at all.
How This Is Negatively Affecting Your Life: Any time you’re bargaining for more of someone’s time you’re already in a supplicative position. That’s a bad place to be as a man in a relationship. In a sense, you’re giving her all the power. Rather than being a function of both of your schedules, you’re saying that it’s her who determines when the two of you spend time together,
What You Can Do About It: First, figure out if you’re just trying to make a little time with someone important that you care about or if you’re begging for more of it. This is going to take some reflection on your part. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself when exploring this question.
Now think about the time that you do spend with her. Is there something about it that’s not fulfilling? What’s keeping you from enjoying it more? How are you not making the most out of it? Maybe the problem isn’t with the amount of time that you have with her. Maybe it’s about getting more out of the time and enjoying it more.
When you prioritize your time in a way that puts you — not someone else — at the center of your life, it makes your time more valuable. Not only are you going to be less needy, you’ll probably also flip the script. Soon she’ll be trying to get more of your time.

3. You’re Dominating Her Social Media

Social media is obviously a part of how people date these days. Still, guys who aren’t needy in other areas can have a tendency to be needy here. They post too much on her wall, demand too much attention in comments and go through her old pictures “liking” stuff that’s months or even years old.
How This Is Negatively Affecting Your Life: I’ve heard it straight from the horse’s mouth: Tons of women have told me this ranks among their biggest turnoffs of the digital era. Showing interest is one thing; Spending too much time lurking on her Facebook page is the modern equivalent of being the guy who never goes away. Don’t be surprised if it fouls things up with the new lady in your life or if you end up filtered out of her timeline. What’s more, being digitally needy is one of the worst ways of being needy in a relationship, because the evidence lingers around forever.
What You Can Do About It: If you can’t leave social media — which is never a bad idea — you can at least limit the time you’re spending on it. If you only give yourself 20 minutes a day to hop on Facebook, make a couple quick comments and bounce, you’re not going to be spending as much time investigating what your girl is up to. In fact, that’s probably one of the worst ways you can spend your time. When coming up with a time budget, this is effectively “found” time — you didn’t realize that you had it before, so it’s like it came out of nowhere.

4. You’re Always Trying to Debate or Argue to Hear Yourself Win

No one likes being around someone who’s argumentative. Even if you like being challenged, it can get a little grating after a while when everything turns into the debate society. Still, how is this a sign of neediness in relationships? Not only are you going to extraordinary measures to get her attention, you’re also really concerned with what she thinks and not in a good way.
How This Is Negatively Affecting Your Life: While there might be some novelty in being a combative couple at first, this isn’t something that’s generally sustainable. A running theme here is that neediness in relationships is something that drains a ton of energy. If you’re spending all of your time arguing or debating, eventually something is going to give. You’re making her your audience instead of a partner.
What You Can Do About It: In addition to neediness, there’s an element of judgmentalness in here. If you’re judgmental with her in a way that’s causing the two of you to constantly be in arguments, you’re probably just as hard on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with holding yourself to high standards. However, when you’re trying to impose those standards on other people it’s almost always going to cause trouble.

5. You Make Lots of Over the Top Gestures

Romance is a wonderful thing. Just doing things that make other people happy is a wonderful thing. Taking it too far is a sure sign of neediness, however. There’s nothing wrong with picking up the check or even getting her a small gift. What you don’t want to do is anything that seems like you’re trying to “buy” her attention or affection. You want to win her approval with who you are, not with what you can spend on her or do for her.
How This Is Negatively Affecting Your Life: You’re driving away the right girls and attracting the wrong ones — the ones who just want a guy to lavish them with gifts. There’s nothing wrong with spending money on women, but you want to save it for women that are interested in you and at times when it’s appropriate. When you’re using material goods, whether it’s a drink or a diamond, to attract women, you’re only going to get the worst kind.
What You Can Do About It: Recognize that you are the gift. Your time is the most valuable resource that you have. You shouldn’t be spreading it around willy nilly to anyone. What this means is that the time someone gets to spend with you is the most precious gift you can give to them. No additional gifts are necessarily needed.
So how about it? Are you needy in ways you didn’t realize before? That’s fine. Recognizing it is the first step toward changing it. And hey, we’ve all been a little needy at some point in our lives. What are you doing to make yourself less needy and thus make your relationships more fulfilling?

Ah, how to be authentic. Authenticity is one of those qualities that has become so desirable, so sought after, that it has been reduced — just like generosity and gratitude — to a meaningless cliché. And yet everything we teach at The Art of Charm, from storytelling to approaching to confronting limiting beliefs, seems to come back to the core concept of being who you are, which might just be the most difficult skill you can master. Authenticity is as elusive as it is powerful, but so many people are still baffled by the notion of how to be authentic.
There’s something funny about the way we talk about authenticity. We want to learn authenticity. We want to react authentically. Authenticity is something we want to get. We treat being authentic as something we have, as opposed to something we are. Which can keep us from actually developing this trait, since we’re trying to attain something that, by definition, we already have.
If we define authenticity as simply being your true self, then we really shouldn’t have to look for it in the first place. If we’re looking for it, then we’ve already lost it. And that is what we can call the paradox of authenticity.
If you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not being authentic.
So how can we possibly learn to become more authentic?
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We have to start by understanding why authenticity is so important.
It might seem obvious, but it’s not. After all, we live in a world that thrives on inauthenticity. Traditional jobs run on office politics, the news feeds on false information, celebrities pretend to be real people, brands curate fan pages, even our friends put on nice faces or say what we want to hear to keep us happy. We don’t need to belabor the point, but it’s important to realize how much of our lives are driven by bullshit, which is the lack of authenticity.
But if you think about the moments in your life that are meaningful—I mean truly meaningful—you will always find a degree of realness, of true authenticity. A heartfelt compliment, an honest job review, a great movie, an actually enjoyable first date: these all involve at least some degree of authenticity.
The reason we recognize authenticity is that we’re primed to respond to it. And we’re primed to respond to it authentically. In short, we know it when we see it. And it feels good. It feels true. It feels like something real, which is why it resonates so strongly with us. If we put up with a world that is so often inauthentic, it’s only because we’ve forgotten what real authenticity feels like. But that only makes us hungrier for it, which explains why a politician with even a hint of truth or a speaker who dares to be vulnerable has the power to inspire us.
And when they do—how special! We can probably count those moments on one hand. They’re extraordinary. We feel moved by authentic people, we feel attracted to them. Similarly, we feel attractive when we are being authentic, and when we connect with someone who is authentically engaging with our attractiveness. When we have a killer job interview or a truly special date, what we’re usually saying is that we encountered a moment of mutual authenticity.
Being authentic is also a lot easier. It’s tempting to forget, but being yourself—and being around other people who are themselves—is much easier than pretending, or falsifying, or putting on a social mask, which are common ways to cope with a world that feels false. In fact, it’s inauthenticity that makes pick-up lines, memorized openers and canned responses so attractive. These techniques seem easier, until we discover that they only go so far. They break down as soon as a relationship demands real authenticity, at which point we realize how much easier it would have been to just be ourselves.
So on multiple levels, we’re craving that realness: we want to be authentic, and we want to be around authenticity. The more we try to be something else—what our parents told us we should be, what our jobs demand us to be, what other people seem to think we should be—the more the desire to just be ourselves grows stronger.
If you need any more evidence for why this trait is so important, ask yourself whether you feel better being yourself or pretending otherwise. I think if we’re being honest, it always feels better to be authentic. If it ever feels better to be inauthentic, it’s only because we haven’t quite learned how to be ourselves.
So if authenticity is something we all want, but it’s impossible to have, since it’s something you are and not something you get, then authenticity must be impossible to teach, right?
As I like to say, teaching someone how to be authentic is like teaching someone to be taller. It might even be worse, because no one can fake being taller, but they can definitely fake being authentic. In fact, they do it all the time, as we just discussed.
So how can you learn to become more authentic?
As we’ve already discovered, you can’t. That’s the trap.
What you can do, however, is stop being inauthentic.
And that’s where we’ll begin.
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If authenticity is the feeling of being your real self, then we can define inauthenticity as the feeling of not being your real self.
That can take many forms: masquerading as someone you’re not, compromising what you feel is right, feeling strange in your own skin, mimicking those around you, or generally feeling like you’re not one with your day-to-day experience.
You might recognize inauthenticity as a kind of pretending. It comes along with feelings of fraudulence, deception, self-consciousness, and the feeling that you need to keep up appearances. For many of us, that describes our work personas. For others, that describes who we are in a relationship.
These patterns can become so ingrained that being authentic seems more uncomfortable than faking it. Once we’ve gotten to that point, we can be pretty sure it’s time for a change.
Now, we should pause here and make an important distinction. At its core, inauthenticity does not feel truly comfortable. But let’s not confuse inauthenticity with discomfort. These are two different things.
For example, you might feel uncomfortable approaching a stranger at a bar. But that doesn’t mean approaching a stranger is inauthentic. You can have your experience of being uncomfortable talking to a stranger while remaining authentic about just how uncomfortable you really are.
I trying new techniques, feeling the discomfort, and being honest—that is, authentic—about how uncomfortable those techniques can feel at first. Over the program, we work through the self-consciousness, and what felt uncomfortable becomes normal, and what felt inauthentic becomes real.
(By the way, that explains why “flawed” approaches can sometimes work really well. I’ve seen guys walk up to girls, tell them how nervous they are to say hello, and go on to have great conversations. At the very least, they’re not pretending, which frees them up to have a real moment. Humans—women especially—are authenticity lasers: They zero in on that shit. People know when they’re talking to the real thing.)
So remember: Discomfort is good, and is usually a sign that you’re being stretched. You might not normally go up to a stranger in a bar, but that doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic by trying. As a great Harvard Business Review article explains, moving beyond our comfort zones can make us want to protect our identities by retreating to familiar behaviors and styles—behaviors and styles that don’t actually serve us, that aren’t who we really are deep down.
And that’s a corollary to the authenticity paradox: You can be inauthentic by doing what seems authentic (that is, what feels most comfortable), and you can be more authentic by trying things that feel inauthentic (that is, new thoughts and behaviors that are uncomfortable simply because they’re new).
Crazy, I know. But that’s how our minds can deceive us into avoiding who we really are.
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So back to the problem: If we can’t try to be more authentic, then how can we become more authentic?
The first step is to stop being inauthentic. That’s how we get around the authenticity paradox.
It’s not that we’re learning how to be authentic, but that we’re un-learning inauthenticity.
And it turns out that un-learning inauthenticity is very doable.
The first step is to notice when it arises.
That’s it. Just notice it.
The moment you catch yourself being inauthentic—saying something you don’t believe, pretending to feel something you’re not—you’ll want to shake it off pretty quickly. The instinct will be strong, because there’s nothing fun or easy about pretending to be something you’re not. At the end of the day, we all just want to get back to being ourselves.
Then, listen to that instinct.
When you feel the bullshit arising, when you feel the discomfort of pretending to be someone you’re not, stop and pay attention.
That might seem obvious, and it is, but this is where most people—even people who are truly committed to becoming more authentic—get stuck. It’s one thing to notice the tendency to be inauthentic. It’s another to admit that it’s happening, right now, in you, and that there’s another way to be.
Next, take a moment and have a laugh.
Seriously. This is important. You catch yourself defending a point of view you might not really hold, or tolerating someone’s toxicity out of obligation, or fighting for a job you don’t really want. Whatever the situation, the moment you catch yourself having an inauthentic moment, stop and enjoy the discovery.
So you were being inauthentic just now—how funny! You forgot who you were for a moment. Now you remember. Well that was weird…
The other day I was on the phone with my partner, and we had just gotten a list of questions from a journalist interested in our company. The questions were a little strange, a little misleading, and totally out of left field. We spent a few minutes discussing them together, trying to come up with good answers, suddenly finding ourselves inarticulate and confused, each of us getting more worked up as we tried harder and harder to find answers to these not-so-great questions.
Suddenly, I stopped.
“I’m kind of stressed out,” I said.
“Me too!” he said.
And in that little moment, everything shifted. We both realized the questions were unhelpful. We both remembered that we totally knew how to talk about our business. And suddenly, we started coming up with new ideas, new talking points—and they were way better than what we were talking about a moment earlier.
I had been drawn in by a situation—in this case, a list of questions—and had quickly forgotten who I was: a guy who loves talking about what he does, who knows AOC inside and out, who’s excited to share our work with other people. I then started pretending to be this other guy who has clever answers to bad questions. That guy wasn’t a very good partner, and the moment I realized it, I knew I had to say something. After we both recognized our frustration and had a laugh, I remembered who I was, and suddenly I knew exactly what to do. I was back to being myself. I was authentic again.
Laughing at yourself in the moment will also help you avoid another tempting trap: Beating yourself up for being inauthentic. That’s not what we’re here to do. (In fact, I’d argue that being hard on yourself is a very inauthentic thing to do.) It doesn’t feel good, because it’s totally unnecessary. You’re human. It’s normal to slip into inauthentic moments. We’ve learned some funny behaviors from the world around us over the years. Sometimes we forget who we are. It’s all good.
Because when you notice the inauthenticity arising…
You just stop, notice it, and accept it…
And enjoy that moment of remembering who you really are…
You’re on your way toward being more authentic.
Which leads us to the last step in the process…
Finally, you have to be willing to put your inauthenticity aside.
That’s a little harder. A lot of us rely on our roles, our beliefs, our positions, our identities. They’re comforting. They’re familiar. They allow us to navigate the world in a safe and predictable way. Putting them down would mean losing something that we’ve been using, probably for a long time.
Because who are you without the persona? What are you going to say if you don’t give the bullshit compliment? Why are you at this party if you don’t know what to talk about? Do you belong in this meeting if you don’t know the answers?
That’s why a lot of what we do here at AOC is a subtractive process. In some cases, we’re here to add things to you—techniques, skills, sensibilities, frameworks. In other cases, we’re here to remove things—limiting beliefs, assumptions, fears, and—as a result—inauthenticity.
Ultimately, you don’t become more authentic by trying to be more authentic (remember the paradox!), but by removing all the other stuff—the hollow statements, the biased beliefs, the silly opinions, the feigned interest, the canned responses, the formulaic answers—that makes up your inauthenticity.
Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic.
Let that sink in. You’re not here to add anything to become more authentic. You’re only here to take away anything that isn’t real. Remember that when you find yourself disconnected from who you really are, and you’ll quickly find a path back to a fun, enjoyable, authentic moment.
Once you put aside your inauthenticity, you’re left with only one option: You have to be yourself. You have no other choice. It’s a little scary, but it’s also liberating.
As Oscar Wilde said:
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

Why is it that tomorrow always seems like the best time to start a project? It’s hard to stop making excuses sometimes. Maybe we feel like we’re not quite ready. Or maybe we believe our idea won’t turn out as solid as we first thought. More often than not, we’ll spend more time thinking about doing something than actually doing it.
Tomorrow, right?
Imagine a 350 pound MMA fighter, legs of steel, wearing steel-toe boots. Now imagine a swift kick in the ass from him, knocking away your excuses and rationalizations for not working on your project. Then, imagine him holding out his hand, helping you up from your fall, and — having utterly destroyed your bullshit — telling you to go back into the world and make something extraordinary.
Whether that project is entrepreneurial, artistic, humanitarian, or just a simple tweak to your work habits, that’s what reading The War of Art feels like. And that’s why it’s the perfect book to start off the new year.
First, let me preface this book review/personal reflection with a few things:

1. No book, movie, TED talk, audiobook, or YouTube video containing clips from The Pursuit of Happyness is going to change your life. Motivational media might set the wheels in motion, but you, and only you, have the ability to make a decision to sit down and follow through on something. You just need to stop making excuses and start taking action.

2. If you are an unabashed cynic like me, you probably perceive most “self-help” literature as a scam. The only person who really succeeds is the author, who sells thousands of copies of a book full of clichés. Let’s just call that out right now.

3. The War of Art is less than 160 pages, and many of these pages are less than half-full (or, more than half-empty, but — New Year — let’s be positive, right?). It’s likely that this book will be more portable than the iPhone 8 Plus. Your immediate impression might be: Am I really going to get my money’s worth? Or, why didn’t I pack something else to read for this trans-Atlantic flight?

Given all that, why would I recommend this book so enthusiastically?
It’s a fair question, and one that deserves a quick personal history…
Stumbling into the War
We could not be any more different.
I’m the son of conservative immigrant parents, ingrained with the values of formal education, structured work, and a steady job. She’s the daughter of a prominent contemporary artist and a yoga teacher, raised in what in what could conservatively be called a “bohemian” household.
We met up in New York City a few years ago, when I was slaving away as a management consultant. Over dinner, I complained to her about my job — the brutal hours, the creative frustration — and she talked about the fun, exciting, creative projects she was working on.
“You know what you should read?” she asked. It was the first time I had heard of The War of Art. According to her, “you’re suffering from blocks,” which sounded less like something I actually had and more like a disease passed around by promiscuous LEGO characters.
I brushed off the suggestion, and we hung out the rest of the night before parting ways for months, like we always did. I loved these nights out – I felt like Don Draper visiting California, discovering a new world beyond the monotony of the corporate grind. Her friends would sit on street corners and smoke cigarettes in their genuinely ripped up t-shirts, while I would stand there talking music and literature with them, arms awkwardly folded in my tailored dress shirts. I felt like a corporate tool, but with another, more interesting side to me, a side that was dormant and shut down and frustrated.
“Nothing to lose, right?” I thought as I bought the book online back at the hotel. I arrived home to Chicago a few days later to find a box waiting at my doorstep. “So this is going to change my life,” I thought, opening up an is-this-really-necessary large Amazon Prime box to find an are-you-kidding sized book.
I got in bed one chilly Saturday afternoon and read it all in one shot. I couldn’t put the book down. Something on every page resonated deep inside. When I finished, I felt like I had just saved thousands in dollars in therapy and commissioned a psychologist to write a personal field manual.
That was the first step.
Part 1: Defining the Enemy
“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.” (Pressfield, 1)
Pressfield spends 52 pages on what he calls “Resistance,” with a capital R.
These are a number of thoughts and behaviors that are lumped together as the universal force that holds us back and keeps us from working and creating. There’s nothing earth shattering here, but by using his own anecdotes and imagining real-world applications, he has a way of bringing the phenomenon of Resistance to life. Every page left me thinking about the ways in which I encounter Resistance and the excuses I tell myself to avoid working on the things that mean the most to me.
But Pressfield isn’t just talking about “Art.” He’s talking about the Resistance we all experience, in one way or another, when we consider pursuing, as he puts it, “any action that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health, or integrity.” Working out, dieting, or even something as simple and prosaic as committing to growing a beard – these are the kinds of things we feel in our heart we can do, but become our own worst enemies when given the actual opportunity.
Everything in my life was perfectly comfortable before I found this book — or, more accurately, when it found me — but I knew there were creative desires I had suppressed. I’ve always enjoyed writing, but was afraid to put myself out there, doubting whether I could connect with an audience. I’ve played the drums since I was 11 — in fact, it was the one thing in my life I could do for hours without noticing a minute had gone by — but I had relegated it to a “hobby to pick up again later in life.”
I realized that these were two seductive and powerful forms of Resistance.
So now that we’ve identified some of the reasons why we don’t work, how can we get ourselves to overcome them?
Part 2: Turning Pro
“The professional shuts up. She doesn’t talk about it. She does her work.” (Pressfield, 78)
If the first section of the book was a gentle push into thought, the second is a full-blown shove into action. According to Pressfield, what separates those who succumb to Resistance and those who battle it head-on is the distinction between the amateur and the professional.
Put simply, the amateur talks about it while the professional does it.
The amateur screenwriter has a brilliant idea, one his friends have heard about for years but have never actually seen. Meanwhile, the professional screenwriter is behind the computer, writing screenplay after screenplay, treating the craft with love, but like it’s his job. It might be bad screenplay after bad screenplay, but 90% of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Bottom line: An amateur fantasizes. A professional gets to work.
Once again, this chapter revealed my own habits. Ever since college, once I was no longer “required” to write or was not in an organized musical group, I had treated my creative endeavors like an amateur. I rarely wrote or practiced, never holding myself to a schedule or laying out any goals.
Beyond basic habits, the book forced me to reassess the entire paradigm upon which I’ve conceived “art” as a part of “normal life.” Simply put, I thought of art as an indulgence, a hobby, a nice-to-have, and sometimes even a distraction. It never occurred to me that art — meaning any act of personal creation — could actually be a real part of my everyday existence.
How many of us are led to believe that once you graduate college, the fun is over, and real life begins? We convince ourselves into suppressing our creative aspirations in order to focus on the 9 to 5, the savings account, the IRA, the spouse, and the family.
Now, I’m not advocating for you to quit your job, divorce your wife, and move to Paris with a stock of canvases and acrylic paint to become the next Monet (although it’s not far from what I ended up doing — but that’s for another time.) What I came to realize is that if we treat art and creativity as we would treat any profession, with the same amount of tenacity and participation, it isn’t crazy to discover that we can be successful.
It might just start out as a “side-hustle.” It might just mean an hour of writing instead of an hour of Netflix reruns. It might mean turning a Sunday afternoon of football and overeating into a workout or hike.
But the idea of “becoming a professional” means turning tomorrow into today.
I knew that if I wanted to succeed in the fields that really mattered to me, it was time to stop making excuses and get to work.
Part 3: Higher Realm
“There is magic to effacing our human arrogance and humbly entreating help from a source we cannot see, hear, touch, or smell.” (Pressfield 119)
In the last section, Pressfield examines a much the more existential aspect of creativity ranging from the relationship between the Ego and Self to his invocation of spirits and prayers. I’ll be honest — here’s where I lost Pressfield a little. (The only spirits I believe in are tequila and whiskey.)
I had trouble identifying with parts of this section the first time around. After working so hard to prove that our ability to create comes from within, Pressfield seems to contradict himself by looking to external factors for motivation. Although I can respect his opinion that religious and spiritual forces “guide” our creative magic, it just wasn’t one I could reconcile with my personal beliefs.
But the beauty of the book is that Pressfield encourages you to interpret things in your own way. And while the first time I read this section I was skeptical, I now find myself discovering new meanings. To me, it’s not a “spirit” that drives us to work, but a force of ambition, satisfaction, and pride that recognizes progress and motivates us to keep working.
I first read this at 23 years old, at a time in my life when my job would soon require me to make a very serious commitment (2 years of business school + 2 years back at the job, or a lifetime of debt). My friends were beginning to get engaged and settle down and every external force in my life seemed to point towards choosing a path of stability.
And yet all I could think was,  “I’m just getting started.” I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take the risks I had been considering for years, but I also dreaded the possibility of failure and the uncertainties that come with it, which seemed daunting in contrast to the stable  path I was on.
I’m still conquering the war of art, knee-deep in the trenches. But I do know that as I’ve progressed from treating my creativity like an amateur to working at it like a professional, I continue to remove my Ego from the equation. I’m less concerned about what people think of me and what I’m doing and more driven by knowing that my Self is doing what is most natural.
A Plan of Attack
I’m writing this in early 2015, more than three years since reading the book for the first time. I say “first time,” because I revisit the book every few months, finding new experiences to relate to, new ways Resistance has manifested itself, and new reasons to continue being a professional to achieve my goals. The journey is endless.
But I can point to real progress. Since reading the book, I’ve started a business, several websites, and rededicated myself to music. In a few weeks, I’ll be launching a site that combines nearly everything I’ve learned, practiced, and experienced into one project. It might fail in the traditional sense, but I’m not worried about that right now.
Because while I’m not yet where I want to be, I’m finally doing what I want to do. And more importantly, I am becoming who I want to be by working how I should have been working all along. Resistance still gets me every day – I still have insidious thoughts and often doubt myself. But I know that I’m doing what I love, what drives me. And I show up every day, putting in my hours – to my writing, to my business, to my music – because there’s progress even in the bad hours, and every hour counts.
I still believe that no one book can change your life, but The War of Art was a keystone that tied together a web of disparate thoughts into action. And for that reason, I can confidently say that it kicked my ass. And I hope it kicks yours too.

Author’s note: There are minor Birdman spoilers in here. If you haven’t seen the film yet, reading this won’t necessarily ruin it for you, but some of this piece might not make as much sense. (Also, what are you waiting for?)
I loved Birdman — both times I watched it, and likely when I’ll see it again. As a viewer, I enjoyed the incredible single-take cinematography, powerful performances, and unexpected humor. As a drummer, I relished in the heavily percussive soundtrack and frequent cuts to a performing musician.
But most of all, as a writer and content creator, I loved the movie’s exploration of self-doubt and the role of criticism as a motivating and demotivating factor.
In fact, for anyone who has ever attempted to make / do / create something (which, isn’t that all of us?), these themes are totally applicable to everyday life. Whether you watched the movie and thought, “Holy Batman, that was awesome,” or “What just happened?” I’d like to talk about what the movie meant to me, and what it might mean to you too. What can we all learn about overcoming self-doubt?
That negative voice in your head
“Maybe that’s what you are — a joke.” – Riggan Thomson (as Birdman), to himself
My first piece was a review of The War of Art, a book that describes the invisible blocks we create that hold us back. To me, what Steven Pressfield identifies as “Resistance” is physically manifested as the recurring Birdman character in the movie. Whereas Resistance is an intangible negative force, Birdman is a sometimes-real supernatural incarnation of Riggan Thomson’s insecurity and self-doubt.
How many times have you tried to do something before a voice — that voice — tried to stop you, or told yourself you couldn’t / shouldn’t / won’t be able to?
Did you ever think of learning something new before telling yourself, “There’s no way I’ll ever be able to figure this out”? Or cutting something negative out of your life and doubting you have the power to do it? Maybe you’ve stopped yourself from doing something as minor as posting a Facebook status after thinking, “My friends are going to give me so much shit for this.”
Of course you have. I have.
We all have.
Sometimes, doubt is a positive, necessary force that encourages us to keep thinking or keep building. But most of the time, self-doubt is actually a very negative pain in the ass that holds us back when it really shouldn’t.
Although I don’t think I’ve ever seen or personified my own personal Resistance (JK Simmons in Whiplash?), Michael Keaton frequently confronts his nemesis in the movie. As he curses to himself, demolishes his surroundings and takes to drugs and alcohol, we see a man struggling with his inability to reconcile his past success with the uncertainty of his future.
Wherever you are in your life, whether you’ve made major steps or are still planning your path, I’m willing to bet there are flashes of thought that try to hold you back. We know what self-doubt feels like. And in the case of Birdman, we know what is looks like and sounds like too. It sucks.
But why do we doubt ourselves so much?
Why are we our own Birdmen and Birdwomen?
Haters gonna hate. Critics gonna critique.
“A man becomes a critic when he cannot be an artist in the same way that a man becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier.” – Riggan Thomson
Riggan yells this adapted Gustave Flaubert quote to Tabitha, the influential, foreboding Broadway critic in the movie. He ends the tirade yelling, “None of this cost you fucking anything! … You risk nothing!” in a scene that feels so real and is so refreshing to hear from a guy who’s pouring his heart into creating something of his own.
The fear of criticism is very real — and very powerful. In fact, I’m willing to bet that so much of our self-doubt and insecurity stems from hurtful criticism we’ve received in the past and hurtful criticism we’re afraid of hearing in the future. That’s why overcoming self-doubt is so difficult.
I can relate to a moment when the fear of criticism almost held me back. I wrote a two-part piece here on how I learned to produce YouTube videos (Part 1Birdman, leading up to the premiere, I set the opening night schedule (or at least announced the play) well before my first product was finished.
and Part 2). Ironically, although I learned the tools and techniques, I actually hadn’t yet finished and uploaded a single video! I did this knowingly, to hold myself accountable. Like the previews for the play in
Even after I created my first video, edited it, and watched it a dozen times and was happy with it, I hesitated. Could I have done it better in another take? Should I film it again with better camera positioning? Am I ready to put myself out there — to put a freaking video of myself online, for anyone to see?!
Fear and self-doubt plagued me before hitting the publish button. But as a I sat on this final product, one that I was happy with, one that I labored over for countless hours, I realized, I had gotten in my head more than I ever have. Finally, I told myself —
Just fucking do it.
“It’s important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me… This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something!” – Riggan Thomson
Okay, so maybe this video isn’t necessarily my career (yet?), and going viral wouldn’t actually be so bad (… at all). But there came a point when I realized: This is good enough. In fact, I’m so happy with what I made, and, like I have so many times before, I’m holding myself back for no reason. I’m not going to let that happen. Not this time, anyway.
I hit the upload button and sent my Birdman flying away.
The reception has been great, and I’m connecting with drummers and finding encouragement to keep going at every turn. In fact, while writing this piece, I saw that the manufacturer of my equipment posted my video to their Facebook page! And I couldn’t help but laugh when, among the likes and positive comments, I found a perfect one for this piece:
“Please drumer sucks”
In my last article, I included a Churchill quote about how there are always going to be critics, naysayers, and haters. The feeling of pride and accomplishment of having my work publicly shared infinitely outweighs a misspelled, snarky jab. So much so that my first troll actually feels good — like something is really happening.
The ending to Birdman was less clear. If you haven’t seen it, I’ll spare you the spoiler, but even the directors of the movie stated it was uncertain. Is Riggan ultimately rewarded by the adoration he so desperately craves? Or does he succumb to his own worst enemy?
Regardless of your interpretation, I think the message is clear.
We can be our own worst enemies, perpetuated by the fear of criticism. But our insecurity and self-doubt is so often just a figment of our imagination. Whatever you do for the sake of overcoming self-doubt, rest assured that you’re not alone, and you can do it.