Because I consider myself a relationship advocate for men everywhere, it is with shame that I make a mos
t painful admission: Men are inferior when it comes to conflict resolution. We are. Admit it. Whether in an argument, a mild disagreement or a fight, we need a lesson on how to make it work with our significant other. Henry Kissinger, the master diplomat, has a goldmine in relationship advice seminars for men should he ever feel the inclination.

The problem with us, as men, is that we see life in terms of competition. Black and white competition. Our logical nature is a savior in many life matters but not in the realm of relationship conflict.

We process in such a rational, logical fashion that we tend to alienate our partner. Sure, we make our point and may even "win" the argument. But what do we gain in the long run? Again, our competitive intuition is a hindrance when we disagree with a woman.
Go With The Grain
I know of what I speak. A woman I was once in love with told me on more than one occasion, "you fight against me and not with me." On that, I had no choice but to agree. Our arguments became so intense because I made it a personal mission to tire her out with rhetoric to the point of complete submission.

I had to win and make her see my point. And if that was not the final outcome, my recourse was the silent treatment. Immature? Maybe. But by God, I know I have good company in that regard because I witness it firsthand from men and even have them tell me that they too, feel the compulsion to triumph over their partner with every possible argument. Newsflash guys: Relationship conflict is not a contact sport. There is no real victor in the end. As soon as that is clear, you can begin to fight the right way.

One important disclaimer: To fight, disagree and quarrel is human. I find it sad when couples announce with pride that they "never, ever fight." Give me a break. You never, ever fight? Well, do you ever have sex? Other than sex, no act is more natural.

Sure it may be unpleasant. The alternative however, is to suppress personal expression. And that is no good. When done right, a fight is productive and even helpful to a relationship.

Here is how to do it...


Address the current fight
Simple advice, but for many, a major roadblock to conflict resolution. The ride is smooth (as smooth as a fight can be), the end is in sight, then all of a sudden, wham! , you remind your girlfriend about why she was wrong the last time there was a major argument.

Bad move slick. Never, ever, rehash the past. Leave it there and focus on the fight at hand. Disagree, rant and rave all you want. Just be sure to make it all about the current problem and not one that she left for dead a year ago.

Avoid the blame game
Again, as a man, it may feel good to "win" the battle and come out on top. But appearances can be deceptive. What you conclude as a victory is a complete loss in the long run, when you factor in her resentment toward you and the lack of goodwill on her part.

If you push her to admit she was wrong, apologize and break down in tears, what do you suppose that will do to her long-term love for you? Not a pretty picture is it? Take your finger out of her face and remember, this is your woman. Love her even when the going is rough. She is not the enemy.

Discuss and fight like an adult
Contrary to popular opinion, a fight need not be a verbal brawl. It can fall into the domain of courteous debate and expression. Not to say that you have to screen every word and be fake, but at the same time, keep that temper in check.

Lower your voice and avoid the exaggerated body language. Never, ever be aggressive toward your lady love in a physical way (duh!). Be a gentleman and have some respect, not just for her, but also for yourself. One tip I recommend is to approach an argument as if a camera is on the two of you.

If you had to watch yourself, would you be embarrassed? Think about that the next time your emotions get the better of you. More important to consider, however, is the fact that the louder, more aggressive and hostile you become, the less sense you make to the other person. The more civilized you are, the more open she will be to hear what you have to say. So calm down and take a deep breath before you blow up.

Try to be warm
Let me expand on the point that you have to fight on a foundation and premise of love. By that I mean that even if you are in a rage at a wrong she committed, it is beneficial to remember just who she is . Not an acquaintance, not a co-worker and not even your mother. She is the love of your life (I presume).

Implicit in that role is a dose of respect when a disagreement is about to flare. You must communicate with her in a manner unlike anyone else. Maintain eye contact and even touch her arm or hand when appropriate. No matter who is upset at whom, let her know that underneath it all, you love and will forgive, or if you are the cause, feel repentant.

Learn to calm down and don't go to sleep..

ake a break to clear your head
In the event that the argument is severe and about to explode, leave. Walk away and cool your head. Contain the eruption because in the end, both of you may regret what was said and done.

Once you let the quarrel degenerate into personal attacks and even physical confrontation, you can never go back and erase the harm. I can never forget the first time my first love and I swore at each other. I had made a promise never to use profanity toward her but in a moment of weakness, I gave in to temptation. And so did she. The result was a sweet innocence lost and a dangerous precedent set. Do not let the same thing befall your relationship.

Go to bed on common ground
I advocate you clear your heads but at the same time, try to nip the problem in the bud as soon as possible. "Never go to bed mad" is a common axiom for couples. I do not agree for the pure fact that it is not realistic advice. What are you to do? Stay up all night? My spin is to never go to bed without some sort of agreement in place.

Therefore, even if you are upset at her and vice versa, at a minimum, agree to get together the next day to discuss the problem in a civil manner. If you live together, however, that advice may not fly. Rather than sleep on the couch, I urge you to give that extra effort to resolve the conflict. If you hit a dead end, agree to sleep on it until the next day. Or, suggest make-up sex before the actual "make-up."
Fight Like A Gentleman
The bottom line for us as men is to realize that we usually fight in a different manner than women. But our logical, competitive nature cannot dominate our relationship conflicts. We lose out in the end that way. Therefore, we have to make it our mission not to cower or repress our outrage, but to remain open, respectful, compassionate, and communicative.

And remember that overall, indifference and not anger or wrath is the real enemy in a relationship. The day you, or your partner, stops caring about the outcome or resolution of a fight, is the day the love is over.