Let’s have some fun today.
Recently I got into a discussion with a few friends—some female, no less—on the subject of what guys who decidedly don’t “get it” are like.
Essentially, it quickly became a referendum on coolness, particularly in the eyes of women.
As you might imagine it turned out to be a truly fascinating conversation. As such, I felt compelled to share the finer points of it with you.
Recalling what was said, I’ve made a list of a dozen major missteps guys make in the name of being cool which typically result in women thinking the exact OPPOSITE about them.
But before I get on a roll ranting about them all, there are at least three points that deserve to be made.


 

First off, in an effort not to overtly slam any guy who happens to be reading this and ends up relating to like three quarters of the items on the list, I’ve intentionally refrained from extensive use of the word “douche” in this post.
Never mind that it probably really should have been titled, “12 Things Douchey Guys Do”. After all, the very definition of “D-Bag” is “he who thinks he’s a lot cooler than he really is.”
Second, please don’t think even for a second that I’m talking down to anyone. That’s because: A) That would be douchey of me (ironically enough), and B) if I’m honest with you, I’m actually one of those guys who can possibly relate to three-quarters of this list. That’s especially true if I look back on my younger days.
Third, note that I’m NOT going to bore you by covering the obvious infractions as follows:

• Drinking too much
• “Hey y’all, watch this” moments a la Jeff Foxworthy
• Using women sexually without regard for STDs or birth control (having told them anything necessarily beforehand and dumping them afterwards)
• Doing drugs (let alone dealing them)
• Breaking stuff on purpose
• Bullying
• Pimping out prostitutes
• Anything else that’s a felony

Actually, some of the ones that made it to my list are in fact pretty obvious, or at least they should be. But as you’ll soon see, they’re way too much fun to talk about to get left out.
Wait…maybe there’s a fourth caveat I should clear off the table beforehand as well.
If as you tear into this list you find yourself getting all offended (or whatever), bear in mind that I want the best for you. That’s why I’m telling you the stuff that your friends won’t ever tell you (possibly because they actually think what’s on this list is cool as well).
So here we go…
Here’s just about everything my friends and I could think of that certain dudes do thinking they’re “alpha” in a way that attracts women, when in reality they’re just making them roll their eyes.

1) Calling people “chief”
If you find yourself unnerved by guys who say “bro” all the time, wait until you meet one who addresses other guys as “chief”.
Suffice it to say that NOBODY in the history of the world has been made to feel better about himself when called “chief” rather than his first name.
It’s not like whoever is addressing someone as such honestly believes him to be in a leadership position over them.
Where did this all start, anyway? I’m wracking my brain, and all I can come up with is Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.
And that’s definitely not the guy we want to emulate.
Not since Hollywood producer types started calling all of their casual acquaintances “babe” has there been a more irritating way to address fellow dudes.

2) Using emoticons in text messages
I’ve cited this one before and every time I do I get taken to task on it.
Clearly, there is a multitude of particularly young guys who will argue to the bitter end that it really IS cool to use smiley/winky emoticons in text messages.
But it’s just not.
If you’re 19 years old…maybe. And even then, I honestly believe women would appreciate your messages more if you STOPPED it.
And if you’re over 35 and using emoticons, I’m hereby imploring you to trust me on this: It’s KILLING you out there in the dating world.
You see, I think there’s a VERY real negative correlation between the number of needy-ass winky/smileys being sent to women by guys and the number of women who are intrigued and attracted enough to actually ANSWER their messages.
In other words, show me a guy who texts emoticons to women and I’ll show you a guy who complains that his messages are apparently being sent into a black hole.
What’s the emoticon for “facepalm” look like?
If you feel like you’ve just GOT to use an emoticon to make sure your intentions get across, here are two decidedly cooler ways to go about things: 1) State yourself more clearly to begin with,or better yet 2) Pick up the blasted phone and call her so she KNOWS when you’re being playful or ironic.

3) “Messing with” people
We all know how this works.
Some dude and perhaps a friend or two conspire to trick some other unsuspecting person (male or female) into believing something that isn’t true.
They keep a straight face and swear up and down that they’re not kidding around.
Then, as soon as the unsuspecting “victim” falls for it, they all collectively laugh themselves silly and call him or her “gullible”.
I’ve seen this prank taken to extremes where guys either held on too long vis-à-vis the other person not falling for it, or that the premise being floated was so breathtakingly out-of-bounds so as to come off as nothing short of evil.
Rest assured that it’s NOT cool to keep trying to get someone to believe your B.S. for five full minutes.
It’s even less cool to try to get them to believe their best friend just got killed in a car accident.
If you want to be a charismatic man who wins friends and influences people, the very first step might be to BE REAL with them. What I’m talking about here would be the opposite.

4) Touching other dudes’ faces or heads
In case it hasn’t occurred to you yet in this life, grabbing another guy’s face or putting your hand on his head in any way, shape or form is nothing short of an aggressive act.
If you’re doing it specifically to show dominance over someone, you’re being uncool.
Everyone else who watches it knows what the score is, and it’s not in your favor. Women in particular aren’t impressed.

5) Carrying guns and making sure everyone knows about it
When it comes to firearms, let’s just say that there’s a good, solid reason why most states only issue CONCEALED carry licenses, without any legal provision for “open carry”.
Simply stated, that’s because anyone who is actually mature and responsible enough to carry a gun as a civil right also realizes that he’s far better off if NOBODY ELSE KNOWS about it when it’s going on.
Now, whatever your opinion on guns is in general, don’t miss my point here.
Whenever a guy is carrying a guy mostly because he wants to prove to everyone else how cool he is, that pretty much means he’s not yet cool enough (let alone mature and responsible enough) to do so.
That’s as straightforward as it gets. Take it from the guy who used to work with gang kids.

6) Cursing in public (especially around children)
If you want to drop “f-bombs” and talk graphically about anal sex, go for it.
But realize that unless you’re among like-minded friends NOBODY ELSE really wants to listen to your mouth.
It’s not that people get “offended”, really. We’ve all heard it before. It’s just that it’s flat-out awkward to listen to people who are that selfish and inconsiderate.
All of this goes DOUBLE if you’re around little kids. In fact, guys who say inappropriate stuff around young’uns can pretty much expect to have an extra-awkward talk with the kid’s dad in the very near future.
And face it, the guy with the mouth is not going to beat dad up or even give him the finger. He’s probably going to be embarrassed and apologize humbly…all because he suddenly realized he wasn’t being cool.
Or at least that’s the best we all can hope for.
I still clearly remember a guy walking down the jetway having arrived in New York on a flight from Boston loudly proclaiming over and over that we’d just endured “The worst [effing] flight in the world”.
That was probably ten years ago, and he still goes down as one of the most clueless d-bags of all time in my book.
For what it’s worth, someone finally started getting a headache and told him to shut up.

7) Owning a pit bull
Apparently, there’s exactly ONE woman in the world who thinks pit bulls are cooler than the guy in her life does. That would be stand-up comedian Bill Burr’s girlfriend:


But seriously, having a pit bull really isn’t going to help you get women. At best it’ll scare them away. At worst you’ll come off as scarier to them than the dog is.
Take my word for it and go with a Dalmatian or a chocolate lab instead.

8) Buying anything from Pep Boys’ “accessory” aisle and putting it on your car
Okay, let’s start with the premise that women really, truly aren’t all that impressed by cars than we habitually give them credit for.
THEN, let’s add to that the premise that the more custom accessories you slap on to your ride in an effort to say, “Look at me!” the LESS everyone is impressed.
So FINALLY, imagine how much of a hit you’re going to take in the “coolness” department if you festoon your hoopdie in el-cheapo chrome pinstripes, fake air vents and trailer hitch nutsacks.

9) Burning rubber/weaving in and out of traffic
Okay, if the last point was about what we as guys tend to do TO our cars, this one’s more about what we do WITH them.
Remember always, women are all about safety and security. Suffice it to say, then, that the more aggressive and dangerous you seem to be when behind the wheel the less women are going to want to be in the passenger’s seat.
Interestingly enough, if you are a skilled, confidence-inspiring high-performance driver at an appropriate venue (e.g. track day or racing school) then women may literally line up to go fast with you.
But if it’s as if the entire world is potentially at risk whenever you leave your driveway, that’s another story altogether.
Overall, I remain convinced that the greatest indications that a woman’s impressed with your driving skill are 1) she doesn’t notice you’re driving a car with a manual transmission and/or 2) she falls asleep while you drive.

10) Chewing Copenhagen
The brand of “smokeless tobacco” doesn’t really matter, of course. It’s just that Copenhagen is a particularly gross one.
Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that my friends and I used to do this stuff back in high school thinking we were such badasses.
But I didn’t make the connection until years later that it was right after I stopped that I managed to get two particularly cute and sweet girlfriends in a row. Go figure.
The bottom line is that cups full of brown spit don’t attract women. Mouthfuls of brown flaky crap, even less so. She doesn’t want to look that that, let alone kiss it.

11) Random, meaningless tattoos
And dare I include misspelled ones as well (e.g. “crape dime”)?
I’m not going to argue (although I could) that some women are going to find any tattoo on any man distasteful.
But geez…if you elect to ink yourself permanently, at least know what your tattoo MEANS. And be SOBER when you get it done.
Tribal tattoos and ancient symbols need to be researched, and if you’re going to write in Chinese on your left arm you’d better do more than simply trust some guy in a tattoo shop to get it right.
I’m reminded of the incident where a tattoo artist got sued for writing “I’m still an ugly boy” on a customer, who took weeks to realize why waiters at Chinese restaurants were laughing at him.

12) Self-absorbed Facebook posts
You knew this list would be incomplete without some reference to social media.
To be completely honest, I’m becoming more convinced by the day that Facebook ITSELF can’t help but be douchey.
And the weird part is that practically EVERYONE I know agrees when talking about it offline, but yet NOBODY seems to acknowledge it on Facebook itself.
For starters, I can’t believe how brazen people have gotten these days with their political leanings. Sure, you can have your ideological beliefs, but people who don’t happen to believe like you do aren’t necessarily ignorant or “bad” people.
That holds true if what’s on their dinner plate doesn’t agree with you either.
Or if they don’t go to the exact same church you do.
And geez, do I really have to read one more play-by-play account of someone’s medical condition?
But it gets worse, of course.
In the “real world” I hope you’d never ask someone to come up with all the adjectives to describe you that start with the letter “D”. After all, “D” stands for “D-bag”.
And then there’s, “If you’re REALLY my true friend, you’ll read this entire dissertation on my deepest feelings about life.”
Personally, I STILL can’t figure out all of these open-ended posts to the effect of, “Okay…only three more days to go, but it’s almost happening. I’ll keep everyone posted and hopefully have more later.” Was I really supposed to be following along? Is anyone else? Who on Earth is arrogant enough to believe that people are hanging on his every move like that?
Hey man…if you want to make true friends, try the real world. But if it’s going to be on Facebook, at least make people laugh and feel good about themselves.
Give to others rather than assuming it’s got to be all about yourself, that’s all.

Wow, it felt almost too good to get all of that off my chest—even if it means I’ve just painted myself into a corner.
So be it…maybe I could use to be held to a higher level of accountability from now on, right?
In any case, remember that this post is all in fun. I’m sure there could have been at least a 100 more bullet items on the list.
What are the biggees that you think I left out? Let me hear them, and go ahead and make me laugh in the process.
As for the items I included, do you have any stories of your own about any of them? I’d love to hear those too.
And finally, do you think I’m off base here? Feel free to let me have it if so. I’ve got my fire suit on.