Hey T,
Natasha and I have been together for almost five months. The tell-tale signs of high interest were there at the beginning. It included lots of physical contact as well as introducing me to friends and family. Now, everything has changed. There’s emotional intimacy, we’ve exchanged the ‘L’ word for a while now, and she came home with me recently to meet my family. I’m definitely in a loving relationship, but where's the spark? I think people can love one another without really wanting each other. Natasha’s certainly not tearing my clothes off anymore and I’m not convinced she’s all that excited to talk to me or see me even though we spend pretty much all of our time together.

The situation is confusing and there are a number of variables to consider. Natasha’s pregnant now (it was unplanned) but she’s excited, even if she’s concerned with her body image going in the wrong direction. So, given that there’s so much happening, including what I believe to be a genuine emotional attachment between us, I’m having trouble determining whether Natasha’s interest has declined or if we’ve just transitioned into being a comfortable couple. In the past, I’ve bailed out when the relationship loses the “spark,” but I get the sense that everyone else thinks it’s normal to lose the honeymoon period and we should all just accept that.

I do what I can to maintain interest, like arranging nice dates and I make it clear that I’m still very interested in Natasha romantically. Since there’s genuine love in this relationship and a baby on the way, I’m eager to see if Natasha’s actually lost interest in me and just wants to stick it out since we’re comfortable together and have some higher stake in things now. I’d much rather a girl just break it off at the first sign of disinterest than keep me as a placeholder until the next, more interesting guy comes along. Sometimes there’s just nothing to be done about whether someone is interested in you or not and you have to just cut your losses (though I’ll add here that I’m still going to be involved with the baby and support the baby and Natasha either way).

Where do you stand on the subject, T? How can you tell the difference between entering a normal comfortable relationship period and a real decline in interest?

Fabian — who’s concerned about the future

Hi Fabian,
Having all of these things happen with Natasha within the space of five months was awfully fast — it’s much too fast, and that’s your main problem. But it’s not true that people can love each other without wanting one another. To you Psych majors, when you love somebody, you want them. If you don’t want them, you don’t love them.

Let me explain something to you. Natasha isn’t all that jazzed to see you anymore because you’re right on top of her all the time. You’ve absolutely murdered Challenge by spending all your time with her. Guy, you have to have some outside interests in life. You can’t expect a woman to be everything to you. So you’re too available for Natasha. You’ve headed into the boredom stage so quickly because you don’t have any other things occupying your mind. If you did, you’d at least have something to talk to Natasha about.

The reason that you’re having trouble deciding whether Natasha’s interest has declined or you’re just transitioning into another stage is because it’s really half of one and half the other. The truth is that you have already gone into another phase of the relationship, but on the other hand, you are seeing Natasha too much. The only remedy for this situation is having outside interests, as I said earlier.
Yes, there is a honeymoon period in every relationship and it will always come to an end. But the fact that Natasha is not arguing with you and putting you down is a great sign. It means that there is genuine love and respect on her part. And it’s good that you arrange romantic dates with her. You’re doing the right thing here, my friend. This is called the maintenance program, which you have to use especially when Natasha is going to be the mother of your child.

It’s true that Natasha’s Interest Level is no longer in the 90s. It appears to have dropped to 75% because you don’t have enough in your life aside from her and you’re starting to smother each other. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re like two people locked in a cabin in Alaska for six months.”

You might prefer that a woman let you go if she’s no longer all that keen on you, but here’s the problem: There’s a child involved now. You can’t overlook this part of it, Fabian. You never should have gone to bed with Natasha, you never should have told her that you loved her, and you should never have met each other’s families, because it was all too soon. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This was just one big rush job.” You rushed everything, like 90% of the men out there. A measly five months for all of these major developments was way too little time. They should have been spread out over two to three years. It’s obvious that you weren’t going by the techniques in my book when you got together with Natasha in the first place. Now it’s too late.

You can’t just cut your losses now, buddy. And you’re also going way too fast on the subject of leaving Natasha. Aside from the fact that you both rushed into this whole mess, you and she have a loving, respectful relationship for the most part. The problem is that when you don’t have anything else interesting to do, you’re only with each other all the time and that will kill any woman’s Interest Level because you present absolutely no Challenge. That said, you have to remember that you can’t be thinking solely of yourself anymore. You are a family now and you have to consider the child that’s going to arrive soon and getting married.

How can you tell the difference between entering a new phase of a relationship and a real decline in interest? Simple: no fighting — and you two aren’t fighting.

Remember, guys: When you kill Challenge, you kill the relationship