Question: We broke up four months ago. During that time my ex met went back to his ex.  Two weeks ago he called me, flirted with me and said he wants to be with me. I communicated to him what I need, want, and feel and he told me that I am everything he would want in a wife.  He is still very strongly attracted to me. He told me that he is only with her because he made a promise to be monogamous and wants to prove to himself that he has morals. He also told me that he is going to keep me in his life no matter what she says. My question is how can I get him back? Do you think I should start with being friends and slowly help him realize that it’s me he wants to be with not her?  Do you have any advice on how to break them up?

Travis:  I’ll not beat about the bush and go right to the heart of the matter.  This thing he says about being with the other woman only because he made a promise to be monogamous and wants to prove to himself that he has morals is pure crap!

This is the kind of “emotional-appeal” a player would make, and any woman would be stupid to believe it. If this were about morals then why is he flirting with you and even wanting be with you again when he has promised to be monogamous with someone else? People with morals don’t say they are monogamous to one woman while flirting and staying in contact with another. This is cruel and hurts both women while he eats his cake and has it too.

To any other woman, I’d have said, if he really believes that you’re everything he wants in a wife let him prove it. Let him come and get you and not you trying to help him realize that it’s you he wants to be with. But in your case, I think you are dealing with a player, an immature man or someone who may not even genuinely care about you.

But for argument’s sake, let’s say he is with his ex just because he made a promise to be monogamous. If he has morals, then he is going to stick to what he promised. So where does that leave you?

I hope you don’t think that because he says “he is going to keep me in his life no matter what she says” somehow makes you more special to him. She is the one who has the guy. You are the one out in the cold.

Do I advice you to start with being friends? I dedicate a whole chapter in my eBook to this stage of getting back together, but based on the information you provided me, the “friendship-zone” for you will be space for him to just play you while playing the other woman too.  And if he is serious about being monogamous with the other woman you’re most likely not going to get back together until he breaks up with her.

I have no advice for you on how to break them up.  It is not my place to tell people what is morally right or morally wrong, however, I work on behalf of love and don’t believe in breaking up relationships (even dysfunctional ones).

Even if you manage to break them up, I have a strong feeling that you and the other woman will just be changing places. That is, he’ll keep her on the side the way he is keeping you — as a safety net. Is that what you really want for yourself?

For your own good, get out of that love triangle now. This guy may have “issues” but you’re not operating from a place of power/healthy self-confidence either. You may have communicated to him what you need, want, and feel, but I don’t think he is taking you seriously. The reason could be he has sensed you lack confidence to actually get these things for yourself and are depending on him to give them to you. Until you’re operating from a place of power/healthy self-confidence you’ll just be a pawn in the game of a player.