Romantic relationships can be difficult to understand even in the most ideal of circumstances.
And relationships can quickly become a source of anxiety and despair when issues of trust, betrayal and conflict arise.
So, in addition to providing detailed information about infidelity and lying, I have also created a set of Sub sections about more common relationship problems, such as:
advice for evaluating a relationship
how to maintain a healthy relationship
how to grant forgiveness after an intimate betrayal
overview of how attachment issues influence romantic relationships
how people experience love differently
advice for talking about relationship problems
I have  also highlight a few of the dynamics underlying most of the arguments couples have, provide steps on how to rebuild trust, offer advice on how to cope with jealousy or deal with a partner’s jealousy.




How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
For the most part, people want the same thing from a romantic partner.  People want spouses and partners who are:
Understanding
Appreciative
Respectful
Caring and kind
Helpful
Trustworthy
Positive
Fun to be around
Relationships are difficult to maintain when they are filled with conflict, negativity and a lack of trust.
So, what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship?
People in long-term, satisfying relationships tend to do the following (this advice is adapted from Montgomery, Cole and Bradac, Harvey and Omarzu, Aron and Aron, and Canary and Stafford's work on Relational Maintenance):




Slow, but Consistent - Relationships work the best when people go slow and take their time getting to know each other.  Whirlwind romances usually end in disaster.  It also helps to be consistently supportive and encouraging.  Inconsistent behavior causes misunderstandings and uncertainty.
Keep Things Upbeat - Relationships work the best when partners express a positive and upbeat attitude towards each other.  Genuine displays of happiness and affection go a long way when trying to make a relationship work.  By contrast, relationships fail when indifference, anger and negativity become the norm.  In fact, even a little negativity can create a lot of problems in a close relationship.  This does not mean that people cannot express negative feelings in a relationship, but that there are appropriate (and inappropriate) ways of dealing with one's negative feelings
Approach Problems Together - Couples feel closer and are more satisfied with their relationships when they approach problems and difficulties as a team.  Couples who take an US versus the PROBLEM, rather than a YOU versus ME approach to conflict are much happier in the long run.
Don't Take Each Other For Granted - Over time, couples typically take each other for granted.  At the start of a relationship people appreciate all the things that their partners do for them.  However, as time goes on, people tend to expect more, but acknowledge a partner's contributions less often.  To keep a relationship happy and healthy it is important to show appreciation on a consistent basis.
Appreciate Differences - Relationships work the best when partners have a lot in common, but respect and appreciate the differences that do exist.  It helps to appreciate someone for who they are rather than try to change them or how they behave


Keep Things Exciting and Fun - It is easy for couples to get stuck in a rut.  Doing the same things over and over creates boredom.  Falling into a routine limits conversations and it can take the fun out of life.  Successful couples learn how to manage this dilemma by doing novel and exciting activities with each other as often as they can share novel and exciting experiences gives couples something to talk about and it keeps romance alive.
Be Approachable - People need to be able to talk freely with a romantic partner.  Sharing what is going on in one's life and how one feels about issues is important to do.  But, being open with a partner is not always easy because it requires spouses to tell the truth and to LISTEN to things that may be difficult to hear.  Listening in an attempt to UNDERSTAND, not control, evaluates, or judge is critical to having an satisfying relationship.
Express Commitment - Relationships work the best when partners reassure each other of their love and commitment.  It never hurts to tell a spouse that you love him or her and that you will always be there.




Truth about Attachment
How Attachment Issues are often the Real Problem

Being in a romantic relationship is not easy.  Conflict, jealousy, and betrayal are just a few of the problems that couples may face.  When couples encounter problems in their relationships they tend to focus on the specific issue at hand.
This issue-by-issue approach to problem solving makes perfect sense.  People can only pay attention to a few things at any given time, so why not focus on the problem in the moment it happens?
While this issue-by-issue approach to problem solving is common, it may not be the most effective way of dealing with issues.  Underlying almost every argument, disappointment or difficulty, there is usually a larger, hidden dynamic at play.
Most relational problems are influenced by an individual’s comfort with intimacy and commitment.  Tens of thousands of research studies have shown that an individual’s attachment style influences what happens in a romantic relationship.
How a person flirts, fights and falls in love are all influenced by one’s style of attachment.  Attachment theory is unquestionably one of the most useful ways of making sense of how partners cope with problems and relate to each other.
Attachment styles influence the basic building blocks of romantic relationships.  Attachment styles influence how people control their emotions, empathize with a partner, and express themselves.
Understanding how people form attachments reveals how seemly unrelated problems a reconnected.  Dealing with the underlying issue directly – partners’ comfort with intimacy and commitment – helps couples solve problems more effectively.










 What is a Romantic Attachment?
How people form an attachment to a romantic partner is one of the most studied topics in the relational sciences (please note, this section is adapted from the work of Bowl by, Ainsworth, Shaver, Hazan and Zeifman's work on attachment theory).
A romantic attachment (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual.  The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.
The attachments we form to our romantic partners are designed to keep people together.  When we form an attachment to a romantic partner – we want to be near that person.  And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around.  Overall, forming an attachment was designed to help create stability.
Not only do we form attachments to our romantic partners, but the loss of a partner can be devastating.  If you are attached to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.
Humans are designed to form a strong attachment to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves).  Individuals who formed a deep attachment to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring.  And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner.  As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.
Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.
Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother).  This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant's survival.  When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure.  For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort.  When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver's attention.
How do infants know who to form an attachment to?
Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others.  Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.
And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic attachment.  Adults form a deep emotional attachment based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc.  If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep attachment to that person.  Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other's presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.
Again, romantic attachments are designed to keep people together because over the course of human evolution people, who stayed together, had an easier time raising offspring than people who only came together for the purposes of sex.




While attachments help create stability, there is a downside.  Attachments are less concerned that you are happy with your partner and more concerned that you stay together.  In fact, many people form an attachment to someone who they do not like as a person.  It is quiet possible to form a deep bond to someone who is less than an ideal romantic partner – this happens everyday.
The lesson to be learned?  Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form an attachment to that person.  And once an attachment is formed, it can be very difficult to break.
So, going slow at the start of a relationship, especially when it comes to sex, is important.  It is good to learn as much as you can about another person before you become heavily involved.  Many relationship problems could be avoided, if people did not rush into forming an attachment with someone.
Not only are humans designed to form an attachment to a romantic partner, but there are some important differences in the types of attachments people form....










Attachment Styles, or Comfort with Intimacy, Influence How People Behave
When trying to make sense of our close relationships, it also helps to understand how people form romantic attachments to each other.
To begin with, people differ in their comfort with intimacy in a very predictable manner.
Different Styles of Attachment
Briefly, the way we form an attachment to our romantic partners is based upon the kind of care we received as an infant.  As infants, we typically form an attachment to our primary caregiver in one of four ways.
Please note, this page draws on the work of Bartholomew, Bowlby, Shaver and Hazan's work on attachment styles and Cole and Leet's review of research on attachment styles.





As Children
When caregivers are consistently available and responsive, infants form a secure style of attachment.  Secure children feel safe and comfortable, and are able to explore and develop new skills with minimal anxiety or concern.
When caregivers are inconsistent or overly protective, however, infants form an anxious or preoccupied attachment to the person primarily responsible for their care.  Anxious or preoccupied children monitor their caregivers more closely, attempt to stay by their caregiver's side and respond more dramatically when in trouble.  Anxious children are simply more fearful and less confident than infants who are securely attached.
When caregivers are stretched too thin, infants are likely to develop a dismissing style of attachment (dismissing attachment is also called avoidant attachment).  Dismissing children show few signs of needing their caregivers, they do not spend a lot of time trying to get their caregiver's attention, and they do their best to cope with problems on their own.
Finally, some individuals form an fearful-avoidant style of attachment, which includes both anxious and dismissing tendencies.  Such individuals experience mixed emotions, seeking both closeness and distance in their relationships.
As Adults
When we fall in love as an adult, the style of attachment formed as an infant influences how we treat our romantic partners.
People who formed a secure attachment to their caregivers tend to form a secure attachment to the person they love.


Individuals with a secure style of attachment have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships.  Secure individuals are comfortable being close to their partners.  They are comfortable having someone depend on them just as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual.  Being more trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that may arise with their partners in a constructive manner.
People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult.  Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love (“do you really love me?”).  Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them.  They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows.  One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn't care about them.  Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; their fear of not being loved leads them to exaggerate their emotions and engage in controlling behaviors.
People who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners.  As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it.  They do not like it when people get close, and they don't like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them.  Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature.  They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy.  Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities rather than their relationships.  They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved ones.
Finally, a fearful-avoidant individual's behavior is difficult to predict because it is based on mixed emotions - the need to be close to a partner while simultaneously wanting to push a partner away.
Attachment Styles Influence How We React
Knowing if you have a secure, anxious/preoccupied, dismissing or fearful-avoidant style of attachment is important because it influences what happens in our romantic relationships.
Attachments styles influence how people think, feel, and behave.  Almost every relational behavior from jealousy to infidelity to deception is influenced by one's style of attachment.
The following example shows how important attachment styles can be:
Imagine that you are engaged and that your fiancé is going out with his or her friends for the evening.  Your fiancé says that he or she will be home by midnight and that he or she will give you a call at that time.
Now, imagine that you have a secure attachment style and it is after 1a.m.  and you notice that the phone hasn't rung.  You are probably thinking that all is well, your fiancé is out having fun and he or she will call you in the morning – no big deal.
Now, imagine that you have an anxious or preoccupied style of attachment.  The exact same scenario – its 1a.m.  and the phone hasn't rung.  What's going through your mind and how are you dealing with the situation?  How many times have you thought about calling your fiancé? Maybe you've even decided to go out and track him or her down.
Finally, consider what a person with a dismissing style of attachment would be experiencing.  Do you even notice the phone hasn't rung?  Probably not.
Now, let's fast forward to the next morning.  Your fiancé calls early in the morning.
How would a secure individual respond?  As a securely attached individual you are pleased to hear from your fiancé and would probably ask “What happened last night?” As a secure person, you are most likely to be satisfied with the explanation that is given.
As an anxious/preoccupied person, however, you will be a complete wreck, having been up all night imagining the worst and most likely plotting some sort of way to get even.  By the time the phone finally rings, your anger and frustration can't help but show, whether through sulking or putting your fiancé on the defensive by asking accusatory questions (“How could you do that?  Where were you?  Who were you with?  Why didn't you call when you said you would?”).
Finally, as a dismissing individual you will probably be wondering why your fiancé is bothering to call so early in the morning – “What do you want?”
It helps to understand how we form attachments to romantic partners because our style of attachment influences so much of what happens in our close relationships.  One's attachment style influences our experience of...

jealousy
self-disclosure
conflict
forgiveness
love
commitment
lying
infidelity
sexual behavior
and hundreds of other relational behaviors
For example, anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to experience jealousy, while dismissing individuals are much less likely to do so.  Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to over disclose personal information, while dismissing individuals are more tight-lipped.  Anxious/preoccupied individuals are overly eager to make relational commitments while dismissing individuals are uncomfortable doing so








The Experience of "Being in Love" Is Not the Same for Everyone
Not everyone experiences love in exactly the same manner.
Research has shown that love comes in several different forms or styles (see, Lee and Regan).  For the most part, people experience love as a blend of two or three of the styles listed below.  Essentially, people have different notions of what it means to "be in love."
Styles of Love:
Eros – some people experience love with a lot of passion, intimacy and intensity.  Love based on Eros has a strong sexual and emotional component.  People who experience love this way want to be emotionally and physically close to their romantic partners and they tend to idealize love.  Such love is marked by passion as well as compassion (kindness and consideration).  Eros is best viewed as romantic, passionate love - the type of love that creates excitement at the beginning of a new relationship.
Ludus – some people experience love as a game to be played with other people's emotions.  The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation.  People who experience love as Ludus like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control.  Lying, cheating and deception are common for people who experience love as Ludus – it's all part of the game.  For people who experience love as Ludus, it is satisfying to outwit a partner and exploit his or her weak spots.
Storge – some people experience love as a gradual and slow process.  When love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense feelings for that person.  Love based on Storge takes time, it requires genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over time.  Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a friend.  In fact, people who experience love as Storge often fall in love with their friends.
Agape – some people experience love as care giving.  Love is the overwhelming desire to want to take care of a partner - a parental or nurturing type of love.  Love based on Agape is attentive, caring, compassionate and kind - a more altruistic or selfless type of love.
Mania – some people experience love as being out of control.  Love is an overwhelming experience; it turns one's life upside down and it results in a complete loss of one's identity.  Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive and needy.  People who experience love as Mania fall in love quickly, but their love tends to consume them.  Love experienced as Mania also tends to burnout before it gets the chance to mature.  Such love is often marked by extreme delusions, feelings of being out of control, rash decisions, and vulnerability.  People who experience love as Mania are easily taken advantage of by people who experience love as Ludus.
Pragma – some people take a practical approach to love.  Love is not crazy, intense, or out of control.  Love is based on common sense and reason.  People who experience love as Pragma tend to pick a suitable mate the way most other people make serious life decisions: picking a partner is based on careful consideration and reason.  Practical concerns underlie this type of love.


Basic Relationship Dynamics
Relationships can be very confusing.  When problems emerge, people often get so caught up and focus on the specifics at hand that they fail to realize the larger issues at play.
And this failure to understand the dynamics underlying our relationships often makes it more difficult for people to resolve conflict and move beyond their current problems.
Relationships involved three basic dynamics these dynamics are always present and they constantly influence our behavior.  By focusing on these larger issues, rather than the specific problem at hand, it is typically easier to see what is going on.  And often it is easier resolve a specific problem when the larger, underlying issue is addressed.
Power – all relationships involve issues of power and control.  Typically, people like to influence their partner's behavior while at the same time they do not like being unduly controlled or influenced by a partner.  In other words, people would like to be able to control what a partner does, but they do not like to be told what to do.
When you look very closely, most conflict often has little to do with the actual issue being discussed, but more often than not, it has to do with a fight over power and control.  It's a fight over who is in charge.  We have watched couples time-and-time again, fight and argue over specific issues (e.g., household tasks, weekend plans, type of toothpaste to buy, etc.) rather than address the real problem - a struggle for control.
Affect – all relationships involve issues of liking and disliking.  When communicating with another person, we constantly signal how we feel about the person we are talking to.  And we convey this type of information through our nonverbal behavior – our posture, facial expressions, touch, eye contact, use of space, and so on.  In short, we constantly signal warmth, acceptance, coldness, indifference, hostility, etc.
Again, most problems in relationships are related to how we feel about each other, and not necessarily the problem at hand.  For instance, is a fight over where to eat dinner really a fight about food, or does it involve a larger issue?  Such a fight is often a means of saying: “I am upset with you, or I don't really like you right now.” When problems are viewed in terms of affect (do we like or dislike each other?), it is usually easier to see what the is really going on.
Respect –all relationships involve issues of respect.  People either demonstrate respect or disrespect for another person, their ideas, values, and differences...
For instance, when couples argue about spending time with the relatives, is the conflict really about this issue, or does it involve something more fundamental: People not feeling like their opinions and thoughts are being listened to.  Am I being dismissed, or does my opinion matter at all?
Main Point
Taken together, many couples fight about specific issues including money, sex, other people, how to raise children, how to spend their free time... but, more often than not the real issue involves one or more of the following: power, affect, and respect.
When fighting, sometimes it helps to realize what the real issue might be and address it directly in a non-confrontational manner With this in mind, most arguments can be summed up by the following sentence: “I am not feeling loved, respected, or like I have much say and control.”
What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem).  Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management.  Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner's Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner's behavior.  These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse's or partner's behavior.  People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner's mistakes, things will change.  This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
increased distance
less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
the lack of a genuine resolution
increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one's feelings, not a partner's behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One's Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one's feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes.  For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated.  I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”


When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame.  Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response.  Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say.  If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse's behavior, partners are more likely to:
listen to what you have to say
empathize with your position
discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
greater potential for resolution and change
less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception.  Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.



The Power of Forgiveness
All relationships face their difficulties.  At some point or another, a spouse or partner is going to betray your trust.  It is how you deal with acts of betrayal that matter the most.
Being able to forgive a partner for his or her transgressions is the key to a successful relationship.
How does forgiveness work?
Forgiveness is tough.  It involves letting go of negative feelings about a partner’s misdeeds, not seeking revenge or holding a grudge, and viewing a partner in a positive light.
Not being able to forgive a spouse or partner creates distance, leads to feelings of anger and isolation, and it can have a negative impact on your health.
How exactly do you forgive a partner when they have done you wrong?
Express/Acknowledge Anger

The first step in the process of forgiveness involves expressing your anger and having it acknowledged.  It is important to express how you are feeling.  If you don’t express your true feelings, they are likely to resurface, making forgiveness difficult to do.

Expressing your feelings, however, does not involve attacking a partner.  Even though your partner has betrayed your trust, it is important to focus on how you feel and not what your partner has done.  Explain how hurt, angry, and disappointed you are, but do not bring up how disrespectful or inconsiderate your partner has been.  By focusing on your feelings, rather than assigning blame, your partner is more likely to hear you.
Expressing your feelings is only one part of the equation.  Expressing emotions is most useful when your partner acknowledges your pain.  Your partner needs to validate your feelings and take ownership for what went wrong.  For forgiveness to happen, your partner needs agree with your point of view and offer an apology.  It helps to hear, “I hurt you.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.”
This is not the time for your partner to be make excuses or offer explanations.  Offering excuses will only minimize your pain and comes across as being insincere.  If a partner starts to offer excuses, ask her to stop.  Tell him that you need to feel understood before you can move on.  Be direct about what you need.  If you ask your partner, “How could you do this to me?” – Ideally, you should hear him say, “I am sorry.  I put my needs ahead of what was best for our relationship.  It was a stupid thing to do.”
Contextualize the Problem

After your feelings have been acknowledged, it is time to make sense of what happened.  Now is the time to ask questions and hear your partner’s side of the story.  Explanations can and should be offered, but only when you are ready to hear them.
Hearing a partner’s side of the story needs to play out on your timetable.  You were the one that was harmed; you need to regain control over the situation.  Do not give that power away until you are ready - until you can truly hear what your partner has to say.
Forgiveness happens when you can see the situation from your partner’s point of view and reflect on the incident in light of the entire context of your relationship.  Forgiveness works when you see that your partner is a good person at heart - a person who just happened to make a hurtful mistake.  If you personalize the problem, that is, you view your partner in a negative light, rather than viewing their actions negatively, forgiveness will be hard to come by.
It helps to keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  Caring, loving people do very hurtful things.  The more you can view what happened as an isolated incident, the easier it will be for you to forgive.
If your partner is repeatedly betraying your trust, however, forgiveness may not be an appropriate response.  Relationships are supposed to add value to your life If your partner is consistently putting his or her own needs ahead of your own, it might be time to reevaluate what you are doing The basics of forgiveness? 
Your feelings need to be acknowledged, your partner must accept responsibility, and you need view what happened in overall scheme of things.
Genuine forgiveness keeps relationships healthy and strong.
Problems with Forgiveness - An Attachment Perspective
Forgiveness can be more difficult for individuals who have an insecure style of attachment.
Anxious Individuals

If you have an anxious style of attachment, that is, you worry about not being loved; granting forgiveness can be difficult.
Because of their fear of being abandoned, people with an anxious style of attachment have a difficult time expressing their feelings.  Anxious individuals are often reluctant to express how they truly feel because they fear it will push their partners away.
When anxious individuals do expression their emotions, however, they tend to do so in a less constructive way – they tend to blame their partner for treating them poorly.  Both of these behaviors make it more difficult for anxious individuals to have their feeling validated, which is important when trying to work through forgiveness.
Because anxious individuals also experience more intense emotional reactions to betrayal, they have a difficult time seeing the situation from their partner’s point of view.  Anxious individuals' intense feelings often get in the way of reflecting on what happened.  They are less able to view the incident in terms of the big picture – as an isolated incident rather than a consistent pattern of behavior.
If you are dealing with an anxious individual, it can be helpful to offer reassurances.  Tell them that it is okay to express their emotions.  Encourage them to disclose how they are feeling and let them know that you will not love them any less for doing so.  It also helps to tell anxious individuals, that expressing emotions constructively makes couples grow closer.  Helping an anxious partner share their feelings will make it easier for them to work through their problems.
Overall, anxious individuals have a more difficult time forgiving partners and experiencing the benefits that forgiveness can provide.
Dismissing Individuals

Dismissing individuals, people who are more uncomfortable with intimacy, downplay their emotional reactions.  Dismissing individuals have a tendency to dismiss or deny their true feelings.  This is often a protective response.  By denying their emotions, dismissing individuals can avoid intimacy and protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.
It can be difficult for dismissing individuals to forgive a partner because they are reluctant to discuss their emotions.  It can also be difficult to get dismissing partners to disclose their feelings.  Dismissing individuals prefer distance to closeness in their relationships.  Resolving problems creates intimacy, which dismissing individuals would rather avoid, so they have little motivation to work problems out.
However, if a dismissing individual does express his or her emotions, it is usually done to push a partner away.  Dismissing individuals often display hostility and contempt for their partners after experiencing a relational betrayal.  Such emotional expressions are not done in an attempt to work problems out, but to create distance in a relationship.
If you are a dismissing individual, please keep in mind, that learning how to deal with disappointment and anger constructively is important.  Although you may be uncomfortable letting your guard down; intimacy provides real benefits. Dismissing individuals receive less social support, experience more health problems, and are generally less satisfied with life.
If you are dating a dismissing individual, it might be best not to push them to disclose their feelings.  Trying to get a dismissing individual to talk about their feelings takes away their sense of autonomy.  As a result, they are more likely to shut you out and push you further away.  When dealing with a dismissing individual, it can be helpful to let them work through their emotions in their own way and at their own pace.
Forgiveness does not come easy for dismissing individuals.