Certain aspects of our romantic relationships and common situations seem to bring out the worst in our behavior.

Many individuals are more likely to lie when romantic partners or spouses ask a lot of pointed questions, have issues with intimacy, set unrealistic expectations, or react poorly to the truth.

On the pages that follow, the specific issues are addressed:

·                                 invasive questions and lying

·                                 need for intimacy and lying

·                                 partner's demands or expectations

·                                 partner's reaction to the truth

·                                 power differences and lying

·                                 lack of trust and the use of deception

Invasive Questions and Lying

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."--Oliver Goldsmith

It's common for lovers to lie when romantic partners ask too many pointed questions.

When spouses are overly nosey and inquisitive - asking a lot of invasive questions - it is normal for people to feel like their independence or sense of privacy is being stripped away.

This does not mean that it is wrong to ask romantic partners questions.  But, there is a fine line between asking questions and being overly intrusive.

When partners do cross the line and repeatedly ask questions such as...

What are you thinking?

Who were you with?

Why did it take you so long?

What were you doing?

Why did you...?

Why didn't you...?

Is that the truth...?

...romantic partners can feel put upon.

When confronted with what can seem like a never-ending interrogation, people feel like their choices and options are being limited?  Often, this causes a spouse or partner to feel like they are losing control - that they have no privacy or sense of autonomy.

And as a result, spouses often fight back by lying.  Deception is useful when trying to gain back a sense of freedom and independence.

In fact, lying can be considered as a passive or indirect way of getting a partner or spouse to "back off" or "let it be."

Along the same line, it is interesting to note that people, whose job it is to discover the truth, know better than to ask a lot of pointed questions.  Despite what is seen on TV, many criminal investigators will ask very few questions during an interrogation; that is, until the right moment, when a suspect is ready to admit to the truth.

An experienced interrogator will try to avoid asking direct questions, at first, because they know that if you ask such questions people are more likely to lie.  And more importantly, once people lie they tend to stick to their story whether it is true or not.

This brings to mind an episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza lied to his in-laws about having a house in the Hamptons.  George's in-laws called his bluff, but rather than admit the truth, George drove his in-laws all the way to his non-existent house at the beach - making up even more elaborate details about it on the way.  Eventually, George blamed his in-laws for his behavior by claiming that it was their entire fault.  While George's behavior is humorous, it highlights an important lesson about lying: Sometimes we prefer to look crazy rather than admit to telling a lie.  Coming clean about lying is one of the most difficult things to do. 

 And because people tend to stick to their guns rather than admit the truth, it is often wise not to force people into situations where they feel compelled to lie in the first place.

The moral of the story?

The person who asks the most questions is often told the most lies (Lippard).

Attachment Styles, Need for Intimacy, Deception and Lying

A spouse's or romantic partner's "beliefs about intimacy" also influences how often they use deception (see, Cole, Guthrie and Kunkel, Lemay et al).

And an individual's comfort or beliefs about intimacy varies in a very predictable way; it's referred to as one's adult or romantic attachment style.

If you are not familiar with the different attachment styles that exist, you can read about them and take on online test.  When you are done, the link at the end of that page will bring you back here.

Attachment Styles and Deception

Securely attached individuals are more likely to tell the truth than people who are more anxious or dismissing in nature.

Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to lie to their husband or wife out of fear of being rejected.  Such individuals lie in order to please their partners.  As such, anxious individuals are much more likely to tell romantic partners exactly what they want to hear - whether it is the truth or not.

Dismissing partners are also more prone to lying because they are so uncomfortable with intimacy and being close to a romantic partner.  One good way to keep partners at a safe distance is to lie to them.  A spouse can only get so close, if they don't know the truth.

Finally, a romantic partner's style of attachment can also influence how likely a person is to lie.  Husbands and wives are more likely to lie when they are married to an anxious/preoccupied individual.

Anxious or preoccupied individuals often cause their partners to lie to them because they are overly needy – asking a lot of invasive questions and responding poorly when actually told the truth. Anxious/preoccupied individuals act in ways that make their worst fears come true – feeling hounded, their partners are more likely to end up betraying their trust.

Attachment styles, unfortunately, not only influence the use of deception, but a lot of other relational behaviors, including one's willingness to forgive.

In addition to one's style of attachment, the demands that partners place on each other can influence the use of deception....

A Partner's Expectations Can Influence Lying

Everyone holds expectations about how a romantic partner or spouse should behave.

In fact, romantic partners place a lot of expectations on each other.  People have expectations about how their spouses should spend their free time, behave at work, act in social situations, and so on.  And in some cases, people hold expectations about how their partners should think, act, talk, walk, eat, dress, etc.

And for the most part, people try to live up to their partner's expectations.  In general, people do not like to disappoint someone they love.

No one, however, is perfect.  Everyone makes an honest mistake (and, sometimes a not so honest mistake).  Everyone falls short of their spouse's expectations.  And when this happens, people generally try to cover their mistakes through the use of deception (see, Millar and Tessar).

For example:

You know you are supposed to call your spouse at a certain time, but you are out having fun so you don't call.  Later, when you finally talk to your husband or wife, you are likely to lie about why you did not call.  Most people would not tell the truth in such a situation ("I was having a lot of fun and didn't feel like talking to you at the time").  Rather people tend to make-up excuses - "My phone wasn't working," or "Sorry, I lost track of time."

When people violate a partner's expectations they have two choices:

Tell the truth and disappoint a partner - endure a certain negative outcome.

Or try to cover-up their mistake through deception - try to achieve a positive outcome (avoid punishment).

And without giving it much thought, most people take the second option when faced with such a dilemma.

Better to take a chance and try to cover one's mistake than to face certain and known consequence - a partner's disapproval and possible retribution.

Kids do the exact same thing when they fall short of their parent's expectations - they try to hide their shortcomings.  Romantic partners tend to act just like children in this respect.

To make matters worse, people tend to place the most expectations on their romantic partners.  For instance, people don't care how strangers behave - it's their own business.  But, we do care about how our spouses act.

Because of this, it is often easier to tell a complete stranger the absolute truth than it is to tell one's spouse.  Strangers, people with little expectations about our behavior, care a lot less about how we behave.  Have you ever had someone on an airplane tell all of their secrets?  It is easy to tell the truth when people don't care what you have to say.

Simply put:

A partner's expectations often underlie one's deceptive behavior - people lie about what their partner's care about.

For instance, if your partner does not care how you spend money, you are less likely to lie about it.

If, however, your spouse is deeply concerned about your spending habits, then you are more likely to lie about it.

Unfortunately, much of our dishonest behavior is tied to issues that would upset a romantic partner.

And having a partner react particularly poorly to the truth does not help...

Reacting Poorly to the Truth Leads to More Lying and Deception

How a partner reacts to the truth also influences the use of deception.

Some people react in a calm and reasonable manner when they discover the truth.

On the other hand, some people react very poorly when told an unpleasant truth.  These people can become aggressive - yelling, screaming, and/or making a scene.  Or some people give the cold shoulder - they pout, sulk, and withdraw.

When spouses respond poorly to the truth - romantic partners stop telling them the truth.

Acting poorly when told the truth can result in what is called a "chilling effect".  Most people do not feel comfortable opening themselves up to someone who responds poorly to unwelcome information.

For example, if your spouse reacts very negatively when you get a speeding ticket, how likely are you to bring up this issue when it happens again?

Simply stated, the more you overreact when told something you do not want to hear, the more likely people will lie to you in the future.

Accordingly, people often make their worst fears come true - lovers lie to them about the things they do not want to hear.

Have you ever noticed how in a family setting, people who deal poorly with unpleasant information are usually the last to find out what is really going-on?

The same dynamic occurs in our intimate relationships.  If you tend to react poorly to the truth, do not be surprised if you husband or wife is not always eager to tell you the truth.

Power Differences and Lying

Power comes in many forms.  Some people have power due to their resources, personality, social skills, connections, and so on.

In a relationship or marriage, two people never have equal power.  Power shifts back-and-forth between spouses depending on the issue or situation at hand.  For instance, it is possible to have more power than a partner with respect to friends, family, and social connections but lack power with respect to financial decision-making.  

These power differences are important to recognize because they influence the use of deception.  As a general rule, the person in the low-power position is more likely to use deception.

When people lack power, they often feel like they lack control over what happens.  Decisions are not necessarily theirs to make.  People don't like feeling powerless and having decisions made for them.  So, deception is very useful when a husband or wife lacks control - it helps people level the playing field.

Through deception, people feel like they can gain the upper hand and have some influence over what.

Consider the following examples:

Imagine that your spouse has a lot of social power.  He or she has a lot of friends and tends to make all of the decisions when it comes to spending time with others.  Now, imagine that you don't always like doing what your spouse wants you to do.  When placed in this type of situation, people often lie to get their way ("I have to work late tonight, why don't you go without me.")

Or imagine that your spouse has a lot of financial power.  He or she earns most of the money and likes to control how it is spent.  And, of course, you are going to want to spend money on things that your spouse does not approve of.  Again, when placed in this situation - people typically lie; they spend money as they see fit and then they hide it from their spouses.

Deception due to differences in power can also be seen in parent-child and employee-employer relationships.  People who lack power (kids and employees) are much more likely to lie to those who have more power - parents and bosses.

The same dynamic occurs within marriage.  Power differences often lead to the use of deception.

A Lack of Trust Often Leads to Lying and Deception

Trust is essential in a marriage or romantic relationship.

It is impossible to have a close, intimate relationship when people do not trust their partners.  Trust involves knowing that a partner has your best interest at heart.  It is hard to feel safe and secure when you are involved with someone who would betray your trust.

Not only is trust important, but it also influences our deceptive behavior.  People have a fundamental need to "get even" - it is called "reciprocity."

And reciprocity, or "tit-for-tat," is one of the most studied aspects of our human nature.

We like to treat people as we have been treated.  Smile at someone and watch what happens back.  This desire to reciprocate - the desire to return favors and repay punishments is very difficult to control.

So when a partner betrays our trust, it's natural to want to get even.  Essentially people think "if you are not honest with me, why should I be honest with you?"

And reciprocity helps explain why trust is so important in a relationship or marriage.  If you do not trust someone, who you are close to, you are less inclined to tell the truth.

Deception can quickly take over a relationship when trusting is missing.

Lies that Lovers Tell

It is not fun to think about the lies people tell to those they love.

But, at the same time, people tend to be curious about the topics which couples try to hide and conceal from each other.

The following "list of lies" comes from a survey of dating and married couples who were asked to disclose the issues they try to keep hidden from their partners through lies, concealment, and deception.

Relational Issues

Time Together - people lie about the reasons why they can't spend time together or see each other ("I am so busy, I have so much work to do, I don't have time right now")....

Past Relationships - partners lie about their past level of involvement ("I never really loved her," "I am much closer to you," "I love you so much more than anyone else")...

Feelings, Interest, Crushes, and Attraction to Others - people lie about their feelings and interest in others - often includes ex-partners, friends, someone at work...

Secret Contact - lovers lie about their friendships, time spent with others, accidental encounters (running into ex), phone calls, e-mails, and text messages with others.  Essentially people lie about intimate, but non-sexual contact with someone else...

Level of Commitment – people lie about their feelings for partner, uncertainty or doubts about the relationship - not sure really love or want to marry partner or stay together...

Flirting with others - people lie about flirting with others...

Betraying Confidences - lovers lie to each other about keeping secrets confidential...

Hide Time with Others - people hide activities and time spent with others - usually friends or coworkers...

Sexual Issues

·                                 Sexual Fantasies – lovers conceal having sexual fantasies about others during sex.  Or thinking about sex with someone else - usually the fantasy involves a partner's friend, family member, or a co-worker...

·                                 Masturbation - men, in particular, lying about masturbating or how often it happens.  Men also lie about fantasies during masturbation, using pornography...

·                                 Sexual Enjoyment - people lie about how good sex with partner is ("You're the best," "That was great!")...

·                                 Sexual History - lovers lie about the number of past partners, unsafe sex practices, what they have and have not done with others, their virginity, having an abortion, childhood abuse...

·                                 Infidelity and Cheating - spouses lie about having sex with other people... sometimes it involves issues of paternity Sexual Orientation - some people lie about same sex contact or interest...

Negative Thoughts

Negative Feelings towards Partner's Family/friends - people lie about liking other people who are important to a partner...

Negative Feelings about Partner's Physical Appearance - lovers lie about liking their partner's appearance, hair, weight, age, clothes...

Negative Feelings about Partner's Career - people lie about liking or respecting their partner's job, school, career choices...

Negative Feelings about Partner's Behavior/character - lovers lie about liking their partner's kids, habits, personality, sense of humor...

Hide Other's Negative Feelings about Partner - people lie about other people's true feelings towards a partner (i.e., my family/friends don't like you)...

Negative Behaviors

Drug Use - lovers lie about past or current drug use...

Alcohol Consumption - partners lie about alcohol consumption...

Smoking - people lie about smoking...

Gambling - lovers lie about gambling...

Differences

Hide Important Beliefs - lovers lie about true feelings on issues (i.e., politics, religion, pets) in order to get along with partner...

Enjoyment of Activities - people lie about enjoying things a partner likes to do...

Financial Issues

Resources - people lie about their income, resources, inheritance...

Debt - lovers lie about their level of debit...

Spending Habits - people lie about how they spend money...

Insecurities

Physical Appearance/health - people lie about age, weight, health...

Jealously - lovers lie about being jealous and snooping...

Career Performance - partners lie about how well work, school, career is going...

Family and Friends - lovers lie to make family and friends seem better...

Love and Emotions - people lie to their partners about feeling vulnerable, scared, and being overly emotional...

How Has the Internet Changed the Way People Cheat?

Unfortunately, the internet has created a whole new way for people to cheat.  Instant messaging, chat rooms, and websites devoted to making connections, have made it easy for people to get romantically involved with someone else without a spouse knowing.

In fact, there are many websites specifically dedicated to helping husbands and wives cheat on each other.  Not only is it easy to find romantic interests online, but a lot of people do not consider online affairs to be cheating.

After all, how can it really be cheating if two people never meet face-to-face?

But, thinking that way actually makes the problem worse because it lowers the threshold - there is less guilt involved.  And with a lower threshold of guilt, people feel more comfortable doing it.

Not only is there less guilt involved, but online affairs are also easier to hide - people don't have to worry about a lot of issues that come along with having a more traditional affair, as such:

being seen in together in public

contracting sexually transmitted diseases

finding a time and place to cheat

Hiding phone calls and so on.

Unfortunately, while it is easier to start an online affair, they can be just as problematic as a traditional affair.

Online affairs always involve some form of emotional attachment.  And being emotionally attached to someone online causes individuals to devalue their current romantic partners.  People are more likely to notice their partner's flaws and shortcomings when they have an online romance.

And as people become more emotionally involved online, they have less give to a romantic partner.  So, online affairs, own their own, can create a lot of turmoil and distance within a romantic relationship.

Not to mention the fact that online affairs are often the first stepping stone to having a more traditional affair.

So, contrary to what some people think, online affairs are not harmless at all.  They can cause a lot of heartache and pain.

Online affairs can also be dangerous because leave people vulnerable to be taken advantage of.

And while online affairs tend to be easier to start than a traditional affair, online affairs always leave an electronic trail making them easier to.

 also provides useful advice for dealing with the problem of an online affair.

Paternity Testing

Questions about paternity have always been around, but with DNA testing it is now possible to determine if two individuals are related to each other.

Current research indicates that roughly 2 to 3% of all children are not genetically related to the assumed father (see, Anderson).

If a woman cheats and gets pregnant, she will typically try to pass off the child as belonging to her husband.  As a result, many men have unknowingly raised a son or daughter that is not their offspring.

Keep in mind, there is a big difference between women and men when it comes to issues of paternity.  Women never have to question the maternity of their children.

Because women are responsible for giving birth, women always know if a child is her own.  Men, on the other hand, can never be as certain.

Interesting enough, babies of both sexes are much more likely to resemble their fathers, not their mothers.  This pattern of facial similarity is thought to have played an important role in human evolution - helping convince fathers that they should help raise their mate's children.

Today, dna-based paternity testing has taken away much of the guessing game.  It is now possible for fathers to check the paternity of their children with a high degree of accuracy (99%).

In fact, just recently, one of our friends discovered that the man, who he considered to be his father for over 30 years, was not his biological parent.

DNA testing is finally revealing many well-kept family secrets while also raising a host of complicated legal issues.  In fact, paternity testing recently showed that Thomas Jefferson almost certainly had a son with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings 

Benefits of Sharing Secrets

Everyone has a few secrets.

In close relationships, people keep secrets because they are embarrassed or fearful of a partner's hostility and possible rejection.

Research shows that it is often in one's interest to keep some things private, especially when romantic partners are likely to respond poorly to the truth.  Being rejected, scorned, or stigmatized does not help any one work through a serious issue.

But, keeping secrets can also be harmful.

Keeping secrets often prevents people from dealing with the problem at hand.  Keeping secrets leads to increased stress, anxiety, and it often makes people think about the issue (event or topic) more frequently.

For instance, people who have a secret crush on someone often dwell on their feelings more than people who are able to talk about such things out in the open.  Keeping secrets can make things seem more important than they really are.

Likewise, revealing secrets is very helpful when it is done right; that is, in a safe, non-judgmental environment.  Revealing secrets can reduce stress, it helps people let go of an issue and think about it more clearly.

If a secret is bothering you, it really does help to get it out - as long people don't respond negatively or use the information against you.

In fact, research shows that the simple task of writing down a secret, even if no one ever reads it, makes people feel better.  Writing a secret down is cathartic - it reduces stress and anxiety.

With this in mind, we have created a place where people can anonymously post their secrets and see the kinds of secrets that others are keeping.  Maybe you will find that letting go of one of your own secrets is helpful and not so embarrassing after all.