In some form or another, whether it is through concealment or fabrication, deception plays a role in all of our relationships.  Most people, however, do not like to acknowledge this, especially when it comes to love and romance.

But every now and then, people discover something about a romantic partner which makes the issue of lying impossible to ignore.  Making such a discovery can be unsettling because it violates our basic notions about intimacy and trust.

detecting deception

when lovers lie

secrets lovers keep

why do people lie (abbreviated version)

We also provide practical tips and advice for dealing with deception and lying in romantic relationships:

·                                 tips for discovering the truth

·                                 what is the best way to tell the truth

·                                 how to confront a lying husband or wife

·                                 how to get a partner to be more honest

·                                 advice for dealing with lying children

Nonverbal Signs of Lying

Hundreds of studies have examined this issue and the findings are presented below.

Most of the research on the nonverbal signs of lying is driven by the belief that deception is difficult to conceal because...

lying takes more mental effort than telling the truth

emotions give people away when lying

lying causes more stress and anxiety

Essentially, people think that signs of deception should "leak" out through nonverbal behavior, or our body language, which is hard to completely control.

So what does the research reveal?

When lying people are more likely to:

offer shorter responses

Make more speech errors - more um's, er's ah's...

blink more

fidget more

People do NOT break eye contact when lying

Liars as well as truth-tellers are, on average, just as likely to "look you in the eye."

Unfortunately, all of the research shows that using nonverbal behavior when trying to detect deception is not very useful.

If you doubt that claim, please see what all of the leading experts on the topic have to say.

Why is it so difficult to detect deception by watching a person's nonverbal behavior?

A detailed explanation is provided below or you can skip ahead to the next page and read why it is even more difficult to detect deception by a loved.

To begin with, there is some truth to the idea that people display or "leak" their genuine feelings when lying.  But, these genuine displays of emotion - called "micro expressions" - last only a fraction of a second.  As such, these expressions are too brief to be of much practical use.

Furthermore, the nonverbal cues identified represent "on average" what might happen when studying many individuals rather than identifying what any specific individual is likely to do.

For instance, imagine that you have a group of 1000 men and a group of 1000 women, and you know that, on average, the men are 2 inches taller than the women.  Now, say you find out that someone is 5'9". Based on that information alone, can you tell with any certainty, if the individual in question is a man or a woman?

Why not?

The problem with "averages" is that it is difficult to use the information obtained from a large group to make claims back to any specific individual without a lot of other information.  After all, there are tall women, short men and everything in-between.  So, knowing someone's height, by itself, does not really help solve the problem of trying to figure out if any given individual is a man or a woman - provides a detailed example of this type of problem).

Second, the nonverbal cues that have been found are based on small statistical patterns - they are not strong, informative (diagnostic) differences.

This time, pretend that you have a large group of men and a large group of women.  But, now the average height difference between the two groups is very small - say less than an half an inch.  That half an inch may still be a statistical difference, but because the difference is so small, it is even less useful when trying to guess someone's sex just by knowing how tall they are.

This is the same problem that occurs when using nonverbal cues to detect deception.  The cues represent small, statistical differences between two groups rather information that can be used the other way around; that is, to distinguish liars from truth tellers.

For example, some studies show that liars blink a few more times on average than truth-tellers (and not every study shows this).  Now, say you notice that someone blinks several times while talking to you?  Are they telling the truth or not?  Who knows?  To begin with, both liars and truth-tellers blink when talking (you are probably blinking right now)... And some liars rarely blink while some truth-tellers blink a lot... The graphs below show why the differences obtain are of little use when trying to detect deception...

Differences in Blinking between Truth-tellers and Liars

In fact, the nonverbal cues that have been identified vary widely from person-to-person, situation-to-situation, and the nature of the lie being told

So, in any given situation anything might happen, and the nonverbal cues that have been found ONLY emerge when looking at group averages.

Long story short, because only small statistical differences in detection cues have been discovered.  It is very difficult to identify group members (liars versus truth-tellers) based on the cues that have been identified.

Most people, however, do not believe this claim.

Most people believe that nonverbal behavior can be used to detect deception.  But, all the research shows that people no better than "flipping a coin" when trying to detect deception, especially when it comes to love and romance.

The nonverbal cues that have been identified are not useful because truth-tellers and liars a remorse similar in their behavior than they are different.  And there are many reasons why the nonverbal differences identified are so small and of little practical

First, many of the lies that people tell come naturally with no planning, thought, or effort.  Lying is often automatic and effortless.  Most people are not even aware of the fact that they are lying when they do it.  Deception can come across as being "natural" because for many people it is natural.

Second, even if there is some stress or anxiety present when people lie - people typically tell the same lies over and over.  Accordingly, people become very comfortable with their lies as time passes.  In fact, people tell the same lies so often that they actually begin to believe what they are saying.

Finally, telling the truth can sometimes be just as difficult and stressful than lying.  Have you ever been agitated, confused, anxious, or upset while trying to tell the truth only to have people doubt what you are saying?  "High stake" situations are stressful for both liars as well as truth-tellers.  In such situations, both liars and truth-tellers can get nervous and give off the appearance of telling a lie.

Or think about the problem this way: if detecting deception were so easy, everyone would do it and there would a lot few problems.  Affairs, crime, and fraud are only possible because people, even trained professionals, have a difficult time detecting deception with any degree of success.

And, for the most part, people are even worse at spotting lies when dealing with someone they love...

Can People Tell When a Husband or Wife, Boyfriend or Girlfriend, is Lying?

"One is easily fooled by that which one loves."--Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere

Again, people have a very difficult time spotting deception with a complete stranger.  All the research shows that people are no better than tossing a coin when trying to detect deception by someone they do not know). A reasonable person might think that it would be easier to tell if a spouse or lover is lying.  After all, people are more intimate with their romantic partners.  People know their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, and how they typically behave.

It should be easy to catch a spouse or lover in a lie by watching their body language.  This makes a lot of sense, but unfortunately, the opposite is more likely to be true.

Love is blind.  Love makes it difficult to see a partner's negative behaviors and flaws.

When people are in love, they place a lot of trust in their romantic partners and think they know them well.  While this trust provides people with a sense of security and comfort, it creates an opportunity for deception.

Every study conducted shows that lovers have a very difficult time actually telling when their partners are lying.  Even though detecting deception is difficult with complete strangers, lovers manage to take this skill to a new low This finding is called the "truth-bias" and it is one of the best documented findings when it comes to deception, love and romance.  As people become more intimate and more emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner's deception.  People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt.

The "truth-bias" helps explain why deception is almost always discovered by accident.  More often than not, people have a difficult time imagining that their partner could be lying.

Perhaps the easiest way to see the "truth-bias" is not in your own relationship, but a friend's relationship.  Have you ever had a friend, who was in love with someone, but your friend could not see how his or her lover might be lying?  Of course, it is always much easier for other people to see the truth.

When we become emotionally involved with someone it is much harder to spot their lies - seeing the truth would simply cause too much pain, especially when it comes to serious issues such as infidelity.

Ironically, while we have a difficult time spotting our lover's lies, we do not realize it.  Most people think they are really good at telling when their partner is lying, but research shows that thinking you are good at detecting deception does not make it so.

We think we can detect deception because we trust our "gut reaction" - our instinct, if you will.  And while we occasionally catch a lover lying, we probably only catch about 1-5% of the lies we are told.  So, based on these few successes, we assume we can detect deception better than we can.

Taken together, an interesting pattern begins to emerge.

As intimacy increases:

People's confidence at detecting deception increases.

People's actual ability to detect deception declines.

Partners have more reasons to lie.

What does this mean?

More often than not, people place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive them.

And unfortunately people are the most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts them the most.

Unfortunately, lying comes very easy for many people.  In fact, a lot of research suggests that people lie to those they love quite often.

Not only is lying fairly common, but for the most part, people are good at it.  Most of the lies people tell to their romantic partners, never get discovered.  In fact, the odds of getting caught in a lie are very low.  It is estimated that people get away with almost all of the lies they tell (well over 95%).

Why are people so good at lying?

First, the evidence suggests that lying is a natural skill which people learn to do very early in life.  Starting at about age 3, it is normal for kids to lie to get out of trouble.  And the same studies show that by the time kids reach age 5, lying to avoid punishment is very common (see, Lewis).

New research suggests that children may start to mislead their parents by the time they are six months old.

Not only does lying to avoid punishment come very naturally for kids, but they are also good at it.  Again, studies show that parents can not accurately tell when their 3-to-5 year olds are lying .  While parents think they can spot their kid's lies, in reality it is more difficult to do.

It is interesting to note that it takes children a lot more time and direct instruction to learn to lie to protect other's feelings (i.e., "Tell grandma you like the book she gave you.").

The fact that children have a more difficult time learning how to lie to protect another's feelings, only highlights how natural it is for people to lie to protect themselves from harm.  Parents do not have to spend a lot of time teaching their children how to cover their mistakes (for advice on dealing with a.

Not only does lying come naturally, but it often happens with little awareness, thought, or planning.  In fact, people are often surprised at how often they lie when asked to pay close attention to their deceptive behavior.

Second, it is easy to lie, especially in a close relationship, because most people do not really want to hear the truth.  The truth is often very unpleasant and painful.  So at the end of the day, people will go out of their way to believe a lover's lie rather than dig for the truth.

Lying to a spouse or lover is easy, because loved ones make it easy.

Finally, lying is easy because there is no accurate way of telling when people are being honest or not.  People do not consistently give off the same nonverbal cues when lying.  As such, it is difficult to catch people in their lies because there is no full proof way to tell when it is happening.

And if you are not likely to get caught when lying, it makes more sense to lie.  In fact, many people experience very little guilt when lying - rather people are more likely to experience guilt not because they have done something wrong, but because they think they might get caught.  But when out of the danger zone - feelings of guilt fade away.

Along the same line, research shows that doing something simple - a symbolic act such as washing one's hands - works to reduce feelings of guilt.

Overall, the evidence tends suggests that many people lie to their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, simply because they can.

Why Do People Overestimate Their Ability Detect Lying and Deception?

Most people think that they are really good at detecting deception, especially with a loved one (a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend).

Again, the exact opposite is more likely to be true If you are confident that you can catch a lover lying, that is a good sign that you are probably not very good at it (same holds true for parents and children).  In fact, people who are unsure of their ability to detect deception tend to be better at it.

There are several reasons why people place too much faith in their ability to detect deception.

First, confidence judgments are based on highly selective events.  On occasion people catch a lover lying.  When this happens, people typically think they are good at detecting deception - after all, I just caught someone lying to me, so I must be good at spotting lies.

There is, however, a problem with this way of thinking.  It is wrong to assume that you are good at detecting deception simply because you notice someone lying on occasion.

This kind of reasoning is problematic because you are only paying attention to a highly selective class of events - an instance where you catch someone in a lie.  To accurately assess your skills at detecting deception, however, you need to know about all the lies you were told - those you caught as well as those you failed to catch.

Unfortunately, we only notice our successes and not our failures.  And there are many, many more failures than successes - probably close to a 100 failures for every success - it is estimated that people get away with almost all of their lies.

So, in reality, when you catch a lover lying, you have undoubtedly failed to detect A LOT of deception.  But, because you failed to detect most of the lies you were told, you are not able to use that information when making an accurate assessment about your detection skills.

Accordingly, people overestimate their ability to catch a lover lying because such confidence judgments are based on limited evidence of success while ignoring the majority of mistakes were made.

Second, it is also psychologically comforting to think that you can detect deception.  Such a belief provides a sense of comfort and security.  No one wants to live in a world where they are uncertain about what is going on.  Confidence at detecting deception, even when it is misplaced, helps reduce uncertainty and gives people a (false) sense of control.

Can Training Help People Detect Lying and Deception?

Is it possible to become a human lie detector?

Many people claim that they can teach someone how to detect deception.  But, the evidence does not back up these claims.

Detecting deception is very difficult and with a few exceptions training does not seem to help.  In a very few instances, training may improve detection accuracy, but the change is very small - a few percentage points at most (e.g., going from a 50% accuracy rate to a 60% accuracy rate).

More importantly, the training effects obtained are limited to very specific situations - situations where the researchers know exactly what nonverbal cues are important to focus on.

When a researcher has a tape of 5 people being honest and 5 people being dishonest, it is possible to train people to spot liars better than they did prior to training (again, a small change at best).

But, these training effects are limited to the specific materials used.  Using different people, in a different context, with different types of lies, the training effects disappear. 

For the most part, the training effects found do not generalize or apply to different situations.

Training does not help because the nonverbal cues associated with deception vary widely from situation-to-situation, person-to-person, the nature of the lie involved, and so on.

In fact, recent research suggests that lie detectors are born, not made.

Testing thousands of people, only 46 out of 15,000 tested were able to detect deception much better than chance across a variety of situations.

These people, called "wizards" come from different walks of life and none of them were 100% accurate.  Moreover, these "wizards" appeared to focus on different cues in different situations - they were simply able to read people well.

Unfortunately, most of us do not have this gift.  Most of us (99.8%) are not able to spot liars and training does not do much good.

Long story short - do not fall for websites, books, or training programs promising to teach you how to detect deception by watching another person's nonverbal behavior.  It is not as easy to do as people would like to have you.

There are much better ways of finding out the truth.

What Mistakes Do People Make When Trying to Detect Deception?

Detecting deception by a romantic partner or spouse is difficult.  And people often do things to make the task more complicated.

Specifically, when trying to determine if the truth is being told, people sometimes ask probing questions.

Questions such as:

What?

Really?

Are you sure?

How did that happen?

Asking "probing" questions is not as useful as people think.  In fact, asking such questions actually makes it more difficult to determine if the truth is being told.

Every study on this this topic shows the same results: asking probing questions hinders a person's judgment.  Asking probing questions generally leads people to assume that someone, who might be lying, is telling the truth.

How and why does this happen?

Two explanations have been offered.

First, asking probing questions often helps the person who might be lying - it gives them feedback (see, Stiff and Miller).  Asking such questions only tips one's hand - it reveals that you are suspicious.  And if a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is actually lying, now they can adjust their behavior to appear more honest.  When it comes to detecting deception, asking probing questions helps liars more than it helps those seeking the truth.

Second, asking questions makes matters worse because it also has an impact on a person's ability to make decisions.  People place too much faith on their ability to detect deception, especially when asking probing questions.

If you suspect that a spouse or partner might be lying, probe a bit, and if you still don't see any obvious indicators of deception, well then, you are more likely to assume that the truth is being told.  In other words, if you still can't tell if a partner is lying after questioning him or her, then he or she must be telling the truth - otherwise, you would have surely discovered the truth This phenomena is called the "probing heuristic." Confidence at detecting deception interferes with one's ability to actually detect deception.  And probing others only makes people more confident, but less accurate, at seeing the truth.

Overall, every study shows that asking probing questions of a partner is not a good way of getting at the truth.

 What is the Best Way to Discover the Truth?

How can you tell if a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is lying?

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to catch a lover lying by paying attention to his or her nonverbal behavior (body language) or by asking a lot of questions.

There are, however, several things you can do to encourage a spouse or romantic partner to be more honest with you in the first place.  Typically, it is easier to get others to be more truthful than it is to catch them lying.

But, if you suspect that your spouse might already be lying to you, there are several very effective methods for discovering the truth.

In fact, these days there are so many different options for discovering deception that it is easy to find one that fits the nature of the problem at hand.

Tips for Discovering the Truth

Despite popular belief, most lying and cheating does not get discovered because a suspicious spouse is good at interrogating a partner (e.g., where were you?  who were you with?  etc.).

Typically, cheating spouses get caught in one of two ways:

Accidental Discovery:

In most cases, deception and infidelity are uncovered by mistake.  A husband or wife decides to come home from work early, a third party inadvertently reveals the truth, an unpaid parking ticket reveals a spouse's true whereabouts, an e-mail exchange is accidentally sent to the wrong person, and so on.

Monitoring a Spouse:

Surveillance, by comparison, is an attempt to discover the truth by monitoring a spouse's behavior.  If you're dealing with a lying and/or cheating spouse, some type of surveillance is almost always needed.

While monitoring a spouse tends to be the most effective way to find what is going on in a relationships, spying on a spouse can also cause problems.  Is it ethical to monitor a husband or wife without his or her knowledge?

On the other hand, if you’re dealing with a lying and/or cheating partner, how do you address the problem until the truth is out in the open?  Fixing problems requires a full accounting and acknowledgment of the issues involved.

Practical Tips for Catching Lying and Cheating:

·                     Keep a journal of your spouse's reported activities.  Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc.  Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what's said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc.  A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.

·                     Keep track of all incoming phone calls.  Record the time and number of all calls.

·                     Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.

·                     Keep track of your spouse's mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.

·                     If you can, check your spouse's call log.  Look for an unusual amount of phone calls.  Keep in mind that cheating spouses often store their lover's phone number under someone else's name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.

·                     You can also purchase surveillance equipment (hidden cameras and voice activated recorders) or download computer monitoring software (keylogger) which will make it easier for you to monitor your spouse's activities.  Using such equipment can, however, can raise some legal issues.

·                      

Never confront your spouse until you're certain that you have enough evidence to make your case.  And never reveal all of your evidence at once.  Most cheating spouses will try to concoct a story to fit the evidence presented (for example, see husband won't confess).  But, if you withhold some evidence, and let your spouse create a story, it gives you the opportunity to use the remaining evidence as leverage.  And by strategically withholding evidence, your spouse will start to question exactly how much you know, increasing the odds that he or she will tell you the truth.

Overall, if you find anything suspicious, do not confront your spouse until you're certain that you have enough evidence to get a confession.

Think for a minute about how your spouse might try to dismiss your accusations (e.g., we were just joking around, I was just flirting, it was a misunderstanding, we are just friends, nothing happened, etc.).  If you can anticipate how your spouse is likely to respond, you can try to gather the evidence you need to counter what he or she says.

Computer Monitoring Software - allows you to see everything your spouse does online.  Establish a record of all online activities.

GPS Tracking Devices for Infidelity - purchase a global positioning satellite device which can track a vehicle's exact location 24 hours a day.

Cell Phone Monitoring Applications - monitoring your spouse's cell phone activity.

Search for a Spouse's Online Profiles - check to see if your spouse has a hidden online profile.

Forensic Infidelity Tests - test samples of your spouse's clothing for biological evidence of cheating.

Home Surveillance Equipment - hidden cameras and voice activated recording devices can be purchased in every shape and size imaginable.

Comprehensive Background Checks - do you think your boyfriend or girlfriend is lying to you about the past?  A background check cans veal a lot about a person's past.

Private Investigators - hiring a licensed investigator is the quickest and most effective way to discover the truth.

What Typically Happens When Deception Gets Discovered?

Uncovering deception by husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is a very emotionally painful event.

Discovering that an intimate partner has lied, especially about an important issue, is difficult to deal with because it raises many questions.  It destroys trust and it leaves people feeling vulnerable (take a look at a real example of someone who .

To begin with, uncovering a partner's deception is difficult because it calls into question many important beliefs and values.  Typically, when deception is discovered it brings to light something negative about a romantic partner.  As such, finding out about a partner's use of deception raises many questions ("Who are you?" and "Why didn't I see that coming?").

Having such fundamental beliefs challenged leaves people feeling uncertain and out of control - "How did this happen to me?"

Not only does uncovering deception shatter our fundamental beliefs, but it also destroys trust.  When a spouse or romantic gets caught in a lie, it raises suspicion, which causes people to re-evaluate their partner as well as their relationship ("What else having you been lying about?").

It is impossible to feel close and intimate with partner or spouse who has betrayed your trust because they have demonstrated that they are willing to put their own interests ahead of yours.

And trust is crucial to a healthy relationship.  Without trust our relationships fall apart quickly.  Trust can be repaired, but it is not an easy thing to.

Discovering deception by a loved one is so painful because the person you naturally turn to in a time of need cannot be trusted and is now the source of your problems.  Given this, it should come as no surprise that relationships sometimes end in divorce when deception comes to light.

It can be extremely difficult to get over an intimate partner's betrayal.

How Do People Typically Discover Deception by a Husband or Wife, Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

And when it does, it is not because people are good at detecting deception.

Rather most deception gets discovered because someone makes a mistake that is too hard to explain away.

·                                 Gross inconsistencies come to light (e.g., caller id doesn't match where partner claims to be, parking tickets contradict partner's whereabouts, etc.).

·                                 people take active steps to discover the truth