On the pages that follow, we provide specific advice for rebuilding trust in a close relationship.
Before going over these steps, it helps to understand what's at stake.
What benefits do people get from having a close, healthy relationship?
For starters, being in a romantic relationship provides many physical benefits – individuals in close relationships live longer and enjoy better health outcomes than people who lack such relationships.  This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system – someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need.  Not only do people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and more satisfied with life than individuals who fail to find a companion.
Second, having a romantic relationship provides many resource benefits.  Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get ahead in life.  Two people working together can live better than one.  When you have someone close to share and trade resources with, you come out ahead.
Third, people in romantic relationships receive more social support; that is, having someone who is attentive to your needs and concerns.  Having social support translates into many other beneficial outcomes.  People who know that someone supports them make better decisions in life with less stress and anxiety.
Fourth, having a companion often makes life more enjoyable.  Having someone with whom to share life's little things, like walking the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it enriches the experience itself and people report having a higher overall quality of life when they have someone to share it with.
Fifth, relationships are useful because partners monitor each other's potentially destructive behavior and make attempts to stop each other from doing things that may be harmful.  For example, individuals in close relationships often try to get their romantic partners to quit smoking, drink less, curb their drug use and so on.
Finally, people in romantic relationships have sex more often than single people do.  Having sex on a regular basis is important for one's well-being.
All told, romantic relationships provide enormous benefits to people lucky enough to find someone to love and someone who loves them in return.
On the pages that follow, the specific steps to building trust are discussed followed by readers' comments:
• create understanding
• apologize effectively
• explain point of view
• make promises
• follow through on promises
• discuss how promises are being kept
• issues of timing
• final considerations



Rebuilding Trust Requires Understanding a Partner's Feelings
The loss of trust is a very painful experience.  It often involves a lot of hurt, confusion, anger, and sadness.
Dealing with these emotions is critical when trying to rebuild trust.  When upset, we want our partners to understand our point of view - to understand our feelings and emotions.
Having a spouse or partner understand how we feel is important.  Having a partner understand our hurt and pain helps us move beyond such negative feelings.
If a partner does not take the time to make us feel understood - we try to get even - we try to make our partners feel as bad as we do.  Even though it sounds childish, when someone does not understand our pain - we try to make them feel our pain.
Often partners do not take the time to make us feel understood because they do not know how to do it or because they get defensive (feel under attack).
When accused of wrongdoing, people often try to...


• apologize
• offer excuses and explanations
• withdraw
• Or even attack back....
These strategies do not work very well in the long run because they fail to create real understanding.
When trying to build or repair trust - it helps to see the situation from the other's point of view.  Try to understand why the other person is so upset - directly acknowledge his or her feelings ("you are angry, hurt, confused") and interpretation of the situation ("and, you have every right to be upset, because what I did was wrong.")
You basically have to agree that your partner's feelings are legitimate and fair - let the other person know that you get it.  If you can do this, trust is going to be much easier to regain.
If you can make someone feel understood when they are upset, they are more likely to...
• calm down
• forgive you
• feel closer
• Listen to your side of the story...
If you don't take the time to understand your partner's feelings, rebuilding trust is much more difficult to do.

How to Give an Effective Apology
When trying to rebuild trust - it helps to give the right type of apology at the right time.
Unfortunately, most people do not know how to apologize or say "I am sorry."
Typically, people make the mistake of apologizing too quickly.  People say "I am sorry" at the moment they are caught in a lie or caught doing something wrong.  Apologizing too quickly - especially when in trouble often comes across as being insincere.
It looks like you are saying "I'm sorry" as a means of appeasing a partner.  It does not come across a thoughtful or meaningful gesture.  Rather it looks like you are simply trying to protect yourself from harm.
Apologies work best when given after some thought and consideration.  Especially, after you have made your partner feel understood - that is, after you explicitly acknowledge how your partner's feelings have been hurt.
Giving the right type of apology is also important.  Often people apologize and then immediately offer an excuse ("I am sorry, BUT...").  Tying an excuse or explanation to an apology tends to take away from its impact.
The best way to apologize is to say you are sorry for the harm you have done and leave it at that ("I am sorry I hurt you by... I was wrong.").  It is best to let an apology stand on its own.
It is ok to offer an explanation, but only when one is asked for.
Saying "I am sorry" at the right moment and in the right way is important because it leads to 
• more forgiveness
• more good will
• greater intimacy
• less punishment
• and greater trust







Rebuilding Trust - How to Explain Why Things Went Wrong
If you are the person who has done something wrong, usually a partner will want to know why you did what you did.
Giving an explanation for one's behavior is important when trying to rebuild trust.  Partners need to understand why things happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on.
With that said, there are some useful guidelines when trying to explain one's behavior.
First, explanations generally work best - after a partner's feelings have been acknowledged and a sincere apology has been given.  When caught doing something wrong, people often try to explain their behavior before their partners are ready to hear their explanation.  There is a time and place for everything - the best time to give an explanation is when a partner asks for one.
When people give an explanation too quickly - it often looks and sounds like an excuse - a way of getting out of trouble.
Second, explanations work best when given in a constructive manner - that is, when they focus on the feelings underlying what happened without blaming a partner for what happened.
For instance, if you lie to your wife to go golfing with your buddies because golfing takes time away from the family... and you get caught - when giving an explanation it is best to focus on your feelings.  "I did not want to feel left out.  Or I was worried that the guys would not respect me if I did not play..." Explanations that focus on feelings work better than those that focus on a partner's behavior - "I lied because you are always trying to control how I spend my time."
Or for example, if caught having an affair, focusing on your feelings works better than blaming a partner for the situation "I felt neglected, lonely, not need..." rather than "the kids get all of your attention and time."
Explanations that focus on the feelings work best because they are easier for a partner to hear.  Ultimately, giving explanations, at the right time, helps partners who have been wronged get what they need: their sense of control.






How to Make Promises When Rebuilding Trust
After feelings have been shared, apologies given, and explanations offered the next step when rebuilding trust involves making promises.
People who have violated their partners' trust need to make explicit promises about their future behavior.  These promises need to be:
• mutually agreed upon - both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered
• reasonable - promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)
• explicitly clear - both parties should double check their understanding of the promises being made
• related to the betrayal that occurred - promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated
For example, a husband who has been caught lying to his wife to play golf with his buddies on the weekend might have to promise to spend every Saturday morning for the next month doing things with the family.
While not the entire fine details of the promise need to be discussed - the basics (how, when, where, what) need to be understood, agreed upon, and worked out.


Importance of Keeping Promises When Rebuilding Trust
Promises made must be kept when trying to rebuild trust.
Breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can bring back of all of the old feelings of betrayal, anger, and disappointment.
In fact, breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression.  Breaking a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behavior you cannot keep your word - you cannot be trusted.
If you break a promise, the whole process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.
When trying to rebuild trust - it is best to under-promise and over-deliver.




It's Important To Discuss How Promises Are Being Kept
Not only is it important to follow through on one's promises, but it is helps to talk about it as well.
When trying to rebuild trust, it helps to discuss how you are keeping your word.  It helps to make an explicit connection between promises that were made and how they were kept.
Having such discussions shows that you are serious about rebuilding trust and putting in the effort to get it back.





Timing Can Be Difficult To Manage When Attempting To Rebuild Trust
When trying to rebuild trust, it helps to realize that there will always be two different perspectives on the amount of time it will take.
If you are the person who has been caught lying, trying to get a partner to trust you again will always take longer than you think it should.  If you are not the person who has been hurt, you tend to focus on all the energy and effort you are putting into making things right.
By focusing on all the things you are doing to make things better - it seems like you should be making more progress more quickly.  But, it doesn't work that way.  It will always take longer than you think it should, which can be frustrating.  It is important not to give up out of frustration, but instead try to understand where your partner is coming from.
If you are the person who has been hurt, it is natural to focus on your feelings - to experience anger, sadness, and have doubts.  Trust takes a long time to rebuild because our negative emotions tend to stay with us longer than our positive emotions do.  When you find yourself focusing on your negative emotions, it helps to think about all of the things your partner is trying to do to make things right again.  Trying to focus on the positive and not the negative makes it easier to get trust back.
In short, rebuilding trust can be very frustrating for both parties because partners do not move through the process at the same pace.  There is not much you can do about this, but it helps to keep this in mind.









Final Considerations about Rebuilding Trust
Trust is easy to lose and hard to regain.
Rebuilding trust requires a lot of understanding and commitment from both sides.  But without trust, or taking immediate steps to get it back, our relationships far apart quickly there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.
A lack of trust often leads to more suspicion and harmful discoveries only putting our relationships in even greater danger.
As such, it helps to rebuild trust before relationships pass the point of no return - when feelings of anger and betrayal run too deep to repair.