How can I deal with my jealousy?
While everyone gets jealous or suspicious from time to time, experiencing jealousy on a daily basis can be problematic.
When jealousy strikes, people often compare themselves to their rival, they feel threatened, and they imagine the worse case scenario - that their partner or spouse might leave them for someone else.
Not only is jealousy unpleasant to experience, but individuals, who are chronically jealous or suspicious, often misinterpret what is going on - taking what might be an innocent event and thinking about it in the worst way possible.
For example, if a boyfriend or girlfriend does not immediately return a phone call, a highly jealous individual will jump to a negative conclusion (my partner doesn’t love me or my partner is cheating).
Jumping to such conclusions can drive people crazy and it often fuels their suspicion more.
Negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities often lead to more negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities.
Not only do highly jealous individuals drive themselves crazy, they often drive their partners crazy as well.  Being around a suspicious person is difficult to deal with.  No one likes to have everything that happens turned into a negative event.
Moreover, being with a jealous person is difficult because highly suspicious partners can be overly controlling, needy, and invasive.
As such, it is not uncommon for people who date highly suspicious individuals to pull away from their partners because of all the problems that it causes.
Learning how to deal with jealousy effectively is critical to maintaining a healthy relationship.
On the pages that follow, we offer some specific advice for dealing with jealousy.
• talk about your insecurities
• try to think about events differently
• last resort - try to erase doubts














Talk about Your Feelings
Typically, the best way to deal with jealousy or suspicion is to talk to your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, about the issue.
When people are suspicious or jealous, they often try to hide their true feelings from their partners, but ignoring our emotions hardly ever works.  Our feelings get the best of us and influence our behavior whether we like it or not.
So when people experience jealousy, if they do not talk about it, it comes out through sudden mood changes, acting overly controlling, being overly sensitive and needy, causing unnecessary arguments and fights, pointing out a romantic rival’s every flaw, attacking a partner ("why did you do that?"), and so on.
In fact, jealousy sometimes leads people to flirt with others as a way of getting their partner’s attention or showing them just how awful it can feel.
On the other hand, a lot of research shows that talking to a partner about being jealous is the best way of dealing with it As a general rule, when talking about jealousy, it helps to focus on your feelings and not necessarily your partner’s behavior.
In other words, do not blame or attack your spouse or partner because you feel jealous - rather explain how you feel ("Sometimes my jealousy gets the best of me, and I don’t like feeling this way...").
If you can talk directly to your spouse or partner about how you feel, you are less likely to act in ways that create more distance and distrust in your relationship or marriage.  In fact, people often feel closer when they can talk to their partners about their problems in a constructive manner.
Also, you are most likely to get the reassurance that you need from a partner when you discuss your jealousy in a calm, cool manner.  And if your partner gives you reassurances when you are feeling jealous, your feelings will fade over time. 
However, you need to determine if talking about your problem is likely to be productive given your own relationship.  Some people have a difficult time listening to their partners or spouses discuss their problems.  Some people are just more uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness – so talking may not always work 










Interpret Things Differently
Another way of overcoming jealousy involves trying to think about events that make you suspicious differently.
Again, jealous partners or spouses put the worst spin on everything that happens.  And a lot of things that happen in a relationship or marriage are somewhat ambiguous – events and actions are almost always open to more than one interpretation.
For instance, if a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend does not answer the phone right away - there are many different possible explanations (people are busy, batteries die, calls don’t go through, etc).  Overly jealous individuals, however, jump to the worst case scenario and dwell on it, which just leads to more problems in the long run.
So, when events that trigger jealousy occur, it helps to interpret them in a different light.  Rather than jump to the worst case scenario, why not try to think about the best case scenario?
Learning to interpret events positively, if done consistently, can help individuals overcome their jealousy.
In fact, a romantic partner’s ability to put a positive spin on things that happen is one of the key differences between relationships and marriages that succeed and those that fail.
Putting a positive spin on things, however, is difficult to do because old habits and ways of thinking die hard.  Typically, this strategy is often best accomplished through some counseling 


















As a Last Resort - Try to Gain More Information
Suspicion is often fueled by a lack of information.
Being jealous involves imagining the worst, but not being sure if your feelings are correct.  For some people, the most difficult part of being suspicious does not know what the truth might be.
So as a last resort, one way to deal with jealousy and suspicion involves trying to get to the bottom of things.  In fact, some people have a very difficult time letting go of their suspicions until they have enough information to make up their mind or until they have the answers that they are looking for.
But, the problem with this approach is that the quest for information usually takes on a life of its own.  People seek out information, but they do not know when to stop, and their search only fuels their suspicion even more.
With this in mind, what are some guidelines for trying to get to the bottom of things?
To begin with, asking a lot of invasive questions is usually not a good way to go about discovering the truth.  If husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, are trying to hide things from you, they are not likely to tell you about it simply because you ask.
There are much better ways of getting romantic partners to be more forthcoming.
Second, many people resort to snooping.  But, snooping raises some ethical issues.  But, if you do snoop on your partner, try to set a reasonable time limit – a week, a month, or whatever, given the issue at hand.
It is important to set a strict time limit and keep to it.  Otherwise, your search will just lead to a never-ending quest for more information, which only fuels suspicion even more.
If you do not discover anything within the time limit then try to let it go.  If you are still suspicious, remind yourself that you tried to get the truth and discovered nothing - you gave it your best shot and came up empty-handed.
On the other hand, if you do discover something, at least now you can deal with a real problem rather than spend your time worrying about what might be.










What is the Best Way to Talk about Problems?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below).  Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management.  Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing without conflict.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior.  These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior.  People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change.  This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:


• get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
• offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
• hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
• increased distance
• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
• the lack of a genuine resolution
• increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes.  For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – It helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated.  I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem - it’s important not to assign blame.  Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response.  Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say.  If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
• listen to what you have to say
• empathize with your position
• discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
• increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
• greater potential for resolution and change
• less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception.  Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.





The Power of Forgiveness
All relationships face their difficulties.  At some point or another, a spouse or partner is going to betray your trust.  It is how you deal with acts of betrayal that matter the most.
Being able to forgive a partner for his or her transgressions is the key to a successful relationship.
How does forgiveness work?
Forgiveness is tough.  It involves letting go of negative feelings about a partner’s misdeeds, not seeking revenge or holding a grudge, and viewing a partner in a positive light (see, Waldron and Kelley).
Not being able to forgive a spouse or partner creates distance, leads to feelings of anger and isolation, and it can have a negative impact on your health (see, Lawler-Row).
How exactly do you forgive a partner when they have done you wrong?



Express/Acknowledge Anger
The first step in the process of forgiveness involves expressing your anger and having it acknowledged.  It is important to express how you are feeling.  If you don’t express your true feelings, they are likely to resurface, making forgiveness difficult to do.
Expressing your feelings, however, does not involve attacking a partner.  Even though your partner has betrayed your trust, it is important to focus on how you feel and not what your partner has done.  Explain how hurt, angry, and disappointed you are, but do not bring up how disrespectful or inconsiderate your partner has been.  By focusing on your feelings, rather than assigning blame, your partner is more likely to hear you out.
Expressing your feelings is only one part of the equation.  Expressing emotions is most useful when your partner acknowledges your pain.  Your partner needs to validate your feelings and take ownership for what went wrong.  For forgiveness to happen, your partner needs agree with your point of view and offer an apology.  It helps to hear, “I hurt you.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.”
This is not the time for your partner to be make excuses or offer explanations.  Offering excuses will only minimize your pain and comes across as being insincere.  If a partner starts to offer excuses, ask her to stop.  Tell him that you need to feel understood before you can move on.  Be direct about what you need.  If you ask your partner, “How could you do this to me?” – Ideally, you should hear him say, “I am sorry.  I put my needs ahead of what was best for our relationship.  It was a stupid thing to do.”
Contextualize the Problem
After your feelings have been acknowledged, it is time to make sense of what happened.  Now is the time to ask questions and hear your partner’s side of the story.  Explanations can and should be offered, but only when you are ready to hear them.
Hearing a partner’s side of the story needs to play out on your timetable.  You were the one that was harmed; you need to regain control over the situation.  Do not give that power away until you are ready - until you can truly hear what your partner has to say.
Forgiveness happens when you can see the situation from your partner’s point of view and reflect on the incident in light of the entire context of your relationship.  Forgiveness works when you see that your partner is a good person at heart - a person who just happened to make a hurtful mistake.  If you personalize the problem, that is, you view your partner in a negative light, rather than viewing their actions negatively, forgiveness will be hard to come by.
It helps to keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  Caring, loving people do very hurtful things.  The more you can view what happened as an isolated incident, the easier it will be for you to forgive.
If your partner is repeatedly betraying your trust, however, forgiveness may not be an appropriate response.  Relationships are supposed to add value to your life.  If your partner is consistently putting his or her own needs ahead of your own, it might be time to reevaluate what you are doing.
The basics of forgiveness?  Your feelings need to be acknowledged, your partner must accept responsibility, and you need view what happened in overall scheme of things.
Genuine forgiveness keeps relationships healthy and strong.
Problems with Forgiveness - An Attachment Perspective
Forgiveness can be more difficult for individuals who have an insecure style of attachment.
Anxious Individuals
If you have an anxious style of attachment, that is, you worry about not being loved; granting forgiveness can be difficult.
Because of their fear of being abandoned, people with an anxious style of attachment have a difficult time expressing their feelings.  Anxious individuals are often reluctant to express how they truly feel because they fear it will push their partners away.
When anxious individuals do expression their emotions, however, they tend to do so in a less constructive way – they tend to blame their partner for treating them poorly.  Both of these behaviors make it more difficult for anxious individuals to have their feeling validated, which is important when trying to work through forgiveness.
Because anxious individuals also experience more intense emotional reactions to betrayal, they have a difficult time seeing the situation from their partner’s point of view.  Anxious individuals’ intense feelings often get in the way of reflecting on what happened.  They are less able to view the incident in terms of the big picture – as an isolated incident rather than a consistent pattern of behavior.
If you are dealing with an anxious individual, it can be helpful to offer reassurances.  Tell them that it is okay to express their emotions.  Encourage them to disclose how they are feeling and let them know that you will not love them any less for doing so.  It also helps to tell anxious individuals, that expressing emotions constructively makes couples grow closer.  Helping an anxious partner share their feelings will make it easier for them to work through their problems.
Overall, anxious individuals have a more difficult time forgiving partners and experiencing the benefits that forgiveness can provide.
Dismissing Individuals
Dismissing individuals, people who are more uncomfortable with intimacy, downplay their emotional reactions.  Dismissing individuals have a tendency to dismiss or deny their true feelings.  This is often a protective response.  By denying their emotions, dismissing individuals can avoid intimacy and protect them from feeling vulnerable.
It can be difficult for dismissing individuals to forgive a partner because they are reluctant to discuss their emotions.  It can also be difficult to get dismissing partners to disclose their feelings.  Dismissing individuals prefer distance to closeness in their relationships.  Resolving problems creates intimacy, which dismissing individuals would rather avoid, so they have little motivation to work problems out.
However, if a dismissing individual does express his or her emotions, it is usually done to push a partner away.  Dismissing individuals often display hostility and contempt for their partners after experiencing a relational betrayal.  Such emotional expressions are not done in an attempt to work problems out, but to create distance in a relationship.
If you are a dismissing individual, please keep in mind, that learning how to deal with disappointment and anger constructively is important.  Although you may be uncomfortable letting your guard down; intimacy provides real benefits.  Dismissing individuals receive less social support, experience more health problems, and are generally less satisfied with life.
If you are dating a dismissing individual, it might be best not to push them to disclose their feelings.  Trying to get a dismissing individual to talk about their feelings takes away their sense of autonomy.  As a result, they are more likely to shut you out and push you further away.  When dealing with a dismissing individual, it can be helpful to let them work through their emotions in their own way and at their own pace.