Hey T,

I’ve been reading your columns and I am so impressed that I am purchase your new book series when they are ready . I'm going through a very hard breakup and I could really use your expert coaching.

I started dating Krystal when I was 21 and she was 18. After years of being on again and off again, I’m now 28 and she’s 25. We were broken up a lot because she kept leaving me and winding up back with her ex-boyfriend. She cheated on me with him, and when I got rid of her, she came back to me, begging and pleading and saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back.

Well, Krystal wound up leaving me again for him. Then, two years ago, she once again left him and told me that I am the man she really loves. We have been together ever since. This past February she told me she wants to marry me and I bought her a ring and we’ve been engaged since then. Since our engagement, we’ve argued numerous times over finances, because the wedding she wanted was more than we could really afford.

Last week we went out separately with our friends and my phone died. When I charged it in my car at three in the morning, I messaged Krystal and explained, but she blew me off. The next day she said she feels a distance in our relationship. I asked her who was at the bar she was at last night and she named some people — including her ex-boyfriend. I was furious. I felt that, because she’s my fiancée, she should have had more respect for my feelings.

Well, our fight went on for a few days and now Krystal is calling off the wedding. She says our relationship is irreparable. She gave me back my ring and is prepared to cancel the wedding date. I am devastated, as I have put my faith in her numerous times, although she didn’t deserve it. I thought that maybe this time she had finally grown up and matured. Can you offer me any insight and coaching?

Lonnie — who feels like he got shafted

Hi Lonnie,

As soon as you tell me that you and Krystal are “on again and off again,” your letter has to go no further — because you’re finished. Secondly, when you began dating Krystal, you were both between the ages of 18 and 21 — which means you were both very young and neither of you were grown up. This combination of factors means it’s over, pal.

You took Krystal back because your Interest Level was too high. But that was just one problem. In addition, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You have no backbone.” You sanctioned Krystal’s treatment of you, Lonnie. When you take her back repeatedly after she dumps you for her ex, you’re telling her that it’s okay to treat you in a horrible, unloving manner. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Can’t you find anybody else in town to date?”
When you get engaged, you’re supposed to sit down with your fiancée and go over all the financial arrangements for the wedding, from clothes to food. But you gave Krystal a ring before you had this all-important discussion — another huge mistake. You never should have given her a ring before you agreed on how your money was going to be spent when it came to this wedding.

Why were you furious when Krystal mentioned that her ex was at the bar where she was partying? Her behavior towards you has been consistent all along, guy. She treats you horribly, then you have a little peace; she treats you horribly again; you have a little peace again, etc. Then she begs, and you take her back and then she runs off to her ex again, etc. This is an endless, vicious, predictable cycle. You shouldn’t have been surprised in the least. And why does this cycle constantly repeat itself? Because you’re weak and you don’t have any cojones.

The best thing you said in your letter was that your fiancée should have some respect for your feelings. But the problem is that she has no respect for you because you never earned it. When you take a girl back after she treats you like dog crap, why would she have any respect for you? You never earned respect and you never negotiated respect. See how this works, Lonnie?

Likewise, Krystal never deserved your faith. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where did your faith get you, my son?” I’ll tell you where — into nothing but more pain.

I got news for you, guy — Krystal is never going to grow up. But what’s wrong here is not merely a matter of growing up. This is the way she’s wired. And she’s wired to treat you like crap. And because of your low self-esteem, you’re wired to take her back and be miserable again and again. Eventually you two will have kids and they’ll be miserable too, because they don’t know right from wrong. And they won’t know who to marry because they’ve grown up in a lousy household. Like the old Chinese saying goes, “The cycle will continue on.”

You want insight and coaching? Start memorizing my materials and forget Krystal.

Remember, guys: When it’s over, don’t go back.