Have you noticed that men and women who are overly self-absorbed, aggressive, forceful, opinionated, love the sound of their own voice and have an air of superiority simply because they have good looks, success, skill or “luck” in a particular area of life populate the ranks of frustrated singles, unhappy spouses and loners, while average looking others of ordinary looks, talent and means do better in dates, marriage and relationships in general?

Overly self-absorbed men and women take “self love” to a point where it works against them instead of for them. I know it’s hard to even think that something as good as “loving yourself” can come back and bite you in the rear.

Loving yourself  is good. People who love themselves have an awareness of their strengths, qualities, abilities and skills, and the expectation, trust and conviction that those strengths, qualities, abilities and skills will lead to a positive outcome. It’s a kind of optimism we all aspire to have – and that’s a good thing.

Narcissism goes way beyond healthy self-love. Narcissism impairs a narcissist ability to accurately access their strengths, qualities, abilities and skill. This is probably why narcissists are some of the most self-destructive people in the world. They lack that very necessary ability to self-evaluate and self-regulate, and as a result tend to over-inflate, over-exaggerate, overstate and overplay their own importance, abilities and awe-fullness.

Narcissists are least likely to acknowledge that they don’t know something or that there are things they are not good at. And when something doesn’t happen or go the way they expect or want, they’re more likely to stay the course, or take even bigger and more risks that they may not be well equipped to take on.

On first contact, narcissists come across as overconfident and so sure of themselves. They actually believe that they are all that, and expect to be loved and cared for as the superior being that they are.

Unlike the rest of us mortals, narcissists don’t think twice about walking up to a man/woman many of us would normally consider outside of our league, and “confidently” start a conversation. How can anyone not be enthralled by them? And because they are so overconfident and self-assured, you end up exchanging phone numbers. At first they are very charming (as long as you “behave”), but you quickly realize that you crossed paths with the emotional torture-master/queen.

Nothing you do is ever right or enough. Even something as simple as not responding within the time frame or manner the narcissist believes someone “interested” or “in love” should respond ticks him/her off, prime time. How can you be so insensitive, lack common courtesy, have no “class” etc (narcissist’s language translation: how can anyone treat me with all my greatness, wonderful-ness, amazing-ness, fabulous-ness, irresistibility etc. like this?).

What began as a whirlwind romance with the “most wonderful” man/woman in the world is now torture chamber. You’re unhappy, miserable, and your self-esteem… forget about self, esteem. You don’t have one anymore.

Then one day you decide you have had enough and try to remove yourself from the situation or relationship. If you thought “the relationship” was a nightmare, hell’s gates just opened wide. The ticked off narcissist will text or call you obsessively just to yell at you, call you names, threaten you etc. He/she will even call you narcissistic because how dare you treat “HIM/HERSELF” like that. How dare you not appreciate that someone so good looking, smart, successful, charismatic, superior etc. took interest in you?

Because narcissists see the world in terms of “ME” (the great, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, irresistible, superior one) versus them (mediocre sub-humans), even an average or decent rejection seems more like crushing defeat. Frustration, sarcasm and self-righteous anger is their natural reaction to anyone who dares question or challenge their “superiority”.

If you are wise, you’ll cut off his/her every access to you. And if you’re lucky, someone else will catch his/her attention, and you will finally be free! But you’ll be reeling from the impact of their wrath for years. And they won’t apologize for the damage they inflicted on you because as far as they’re concerned, they had to put you in “your place”.

And while these days, we tend to call everyone we don’t like or breaks up with us “a narcissist”, you can tell a real narcissists by the trail of broken, traumatized and even depressed men and women they leave behind them.

The most dangerous thing about narcissists is that they don’t even know they are narcissistic. Even those that recognize the traits in themselves will downplay, dismiss or deflect their personality disorder. Many never seek help. Why would they?

If are in a relationship with a narcissist, use every little bit of courage you have and leave before you’re damaged beyond “repair”.

If you have successfully removed yourself from the jaws of a narcissist, for the sake of your very soul, don’t go back. Don’t try and get him/her back however much it breaks your heart to just walk away from the best sex you ever had, from the glimpses of “the caring person inside”, and from what seems like your only chance at “true happiness”. It’s just an illusion. Wake up.