1. "Michael Jackson's album was only called Bad because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic." —Prince

2. "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." —Boy George, on Prince

3. "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." —Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. "All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. "The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead." —Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. "People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable." —P.J. O'Rourke

7. "Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence--those are the three pillars of Western prosperity." —Aldous Huxley

8. "The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers." —Ted Williams

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' " —Emo Philips