Couples having problems are often advised to be more supportive of each other, but too much support — or the wrong kind of support — may actually do more harm than good to your relationship according to a series of recent studies.

In studies of heterosexual couples in their first few years of marriage, researchers found that both partners are happier if husbands receive the right type of support, and if wives ask for support when they need it.

In one study, Erika Lawrence, associate professor of psychology in the University of Iowa College of Liberal Arts and Sciences and colleagues discovered that receiving more support than desired is a greater risk factor for marital decline than not being there for a spouse.

“If you don’t get enough support, you can make up for that with family and friends — especially women, who tend to have multiple sources of support,” she said. “When you receive too much support, there’s no way to adjust for that.”

Too much informational support — usually in the form of unwanted advice-giving — is the most detrimental. In contrast, you can never go wrong providing esteem support, assuming it’s genuine.

For men, it’s important that their wives provide the right kind of support, offering emotional, informational, tangible or esteem support as needed. For wives, it’s more important that their husbands try to be supportive — even if what they do doesn’t quite hit the mark.

“Both parties are more satisfied if the husband gets the right kind of support, and if the wife feels like she’s supported,” Lawrence said. “Husbands shouldn't throw their hands up if they’re not sure what to do. They need to stay in there and keep trying, because we found that women appreciate the effort.”

The findings illustrate the need for couples to understand the various ways they can be supportive, and the importance of communicating what they need and when, said Lawrence.

“The assumption is that men just want to be left alone and women want to be held and listened to,” Lawrence said. “In reality, different men want different kinds of support, and different women want different kinds of support.”  Couples will be happier if they learn how to say, ‘This is how I’m feeling, and this is how you can help me.'”

Lawrence said dialog is key. If you need support, request it; if you’re providing support, ask how you can help — don’t assume you know what to do. Afterward, talk about what worked and what didn’t, and adjust accordingly.