Let’s get one thing straight. All it takes is ONE cat for you to get a red flag. Just as a girl on a street corner gets her start saying “I’ll just do one,” all crazy cat ladies start with just one little fur ball. Since cat lovers tend to be pretty difficult to deal with, our normal red flag approach won’t work. Fear not, cat cradlers, for we have a solution.

We’ll just address your cat instead…

Here, kitty, kitty. Oh, no, it’s okay, precious kitty, we’re not going to hurt you. Don’t try to text an emergency message to PETA on your proprietor’s cell phone. We just want a minute of your precious time. Alone. Man-to-feline. We wouldn’t dare touch you, as your owner is sure to return from the bathroom in a matter of seconds [Oh, we’re sorry. You’re right, kitty, she isn’t actually your owner, she’s just the head of your staff. Our apologies].

We understand there are some compelling reasons that you think the lady in the restroom might like to have you around. You’re small, independent, and relatively low-maintenance (unlike your caretaker). You’ve always been so cute, from the moment you were a cuddly, little newborn kitten to your current full-grown glory. That time you snuck into the dryer before all the clothes had been taken out was so clever. And the day when the microwave scared you so much that you scaled the drapes and tight-roped the curtain rod like you were a furry Phillipe Petit demonstrated your incredible reaction time. Why, you could even entertain millions with your head-stuck-in-a-jelly-jar routine. Such talent.



There’s a problem, though, Your Majesty. It’s just… well, there’s a strong chance the woman you’re living with is using you.

It turns out all that petting and caressing she gives you is simply a thank you in exchange for the titillation you provide as you stroll around her ankles and gently brush across her calf. If you could only see the blush in her cheeks as you pass by. She hasn't felt nether-region warmth like that since watching the pottery scene in Ghost. Heaven forbid if she possessed your soft tongue and flexible torso what awful things she might do to satisfy her womanly desires. The lonely brute.

But what about your toy mice, the yarn balls, and the furry tails? Cheap ploys, kitty, a way for you to entertain her on weekends when she’s alone. She’s not spoiling you, she’s enslaving you. Haven’t you noticed that the only time you can play with the Bird is when the TBS Friday Night Rom-Com goes to commercial break?


Cat enslavement tool. Not a french tickler.
It gets worse. You thought she was letting you outside to pounce around in the grass and chase birds, but she actually just wanted you out of the way while she changed your litter box. She didn’t want you to see her cringe in disgust as she was scooping and sifting your precious poo. Can you imagine that she actually thinks your sh-t stinks? The nerve.

Before we escape, we’ll leave you with a bit of advice: don’t get too comfortable in that awesome new kitty palace she erected in her bedroom. The four perches, three scratching posts, and two automatic food dispensers may feel like an act of good will and recognition for your need for ample space, but it’s actually a play pad for your future kitty roommates. She’ll never have any human companions in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean she’ll give you the same privacy.

This must be a lot of information to process, Your Grace, and we’re sure you’re planning a lot of arm scratching, carpet peeing, and upholstered couch destruction as revenge for her manipulation. In return for this secret information, we only ask of you one simple favor. Take this red flag in your mouth and go jump in her lap when she gets back from the bathroom. She’ll know what it means.