I receive so many blog questions, and also work with so many men and women who are in relationships where on an average day, they fluctuate between should I stay or should I go, should I fight for him/her or should I give up. One day they write me telling me they do not think the relationship is going any where, they are not happy, they do not feel loved by this person and can not get him or her to open up. They are ready to quit because they believe they deserve better – deserve to be loved.

The next day I receive yet another email saying they love this person so much and think things will work out. They tell me their ex is trying and they know (in their own way) he/she loves them. They want to give the relationship another chance. But two days later, I get yet another email saying “It’s over. I can't take this anymore”. The email is this long and very emotional. It all about how angry they are with the other person for “leading” them on or how angry they are with themselves for loving someone who obviously does not love them back. Some of them go as far as saying the person they are with is not capable of love because he/she is selfish, emotionally detached, has serious “issues” from childhood, is insecure, is a womanizer, is inadequate in bed, in not intelligent and all that stuff…

By now you know the drill, one week later they are so much in love and want to fight for the person they love…

What makes people do this to themselves?

People who have an emotional need for love and acceptance while fully aware of their needy words and actions often think they are acting that way because of the other person. In their minds, if only the other person wasn’t selfish, hadn't been abused as a child, wasn’t on depression medication, and sometimes if it wasn’t for the “other” man or woman, etc,everything would be okay.

Many of these people feel like they are at the mercy of the other person or of their circumstances. Some have had a lifetime of feeling emotionally helpless or powerless, and as a result do not know how  to make their needs known or ask for what they need without coming across as entitled to the other person’s time, attention, support, love and affection.

Others have discovered that there are benefits to feeling sorry for themselves, and for blaming others or external circumstances for their needy actions and reactions. It means that they do not have to take any responsibility, change, take action or do anything to change their current situation.

Instead they try even harder — focusing exclusively on the other person’s “issues” or needs. They turn themselves inside out to make the other person like or love them, and give more “love” than the other person wants them to. When this does not work, they become contemptuous, mean and even hostile. For many this is the time they tell themselves that they are ready to quit because they deserve better and want better. That only lasts a few hours, days, weeks or months. The craving for attention, affection or love eventually comes back, and they go back to the only person they think can give them what they need and try to squeeze the love out of their ex. But when that does not work… should I go on?

What do you then do if you find yourself in a love-hate relationship with your ex?

You can do one of the following:

1) Cut off all contact with your ex, and hope that this time you'll really walk away for good. Or;

2) You can try to make the relationship work.

I’ll probably get a lot of grief from “victims” of selfish, emotionally detached, emotionally unavailable, jerk, narcissist, gold-digging etc exes, for even suggesting that a love-hate relationship can actually work. But I know first hand that they can — and they do.

If you feel that you don’t want anything to do with your whatever-ex, that okay too. Just keep in mind that this article is not for you. This article is for those people who want to make it work.

Love-hate relationships are hardest to make work or walk away from because love and hate are probably the two strongest emotions known to mankind. They are also the most passionate, and addictive.

The probability that the relationship will survive a love-hate phase is very low, and it takes a lot more work to make these kind of relationships work.

On the other hand, if you can make it work, the probability that your relationship will be more fulfilling than starting with someone new is very high. There is just something about overcoming great obstacles together that makes a relationship even more “special”, even feel like “it was meant to be.”

So if you are not yet ready to walk away (for good), and are willing to give your relationship a real chance, here are four steps that you need to follow:

1- Take responsibility for your powerlessness and/or helplessness

Much of the helplessness and powerlessness many of us feel comes from how we think about a situation. We are either focusing too much on the things we can not control or change (e.g. our ex’s “issues”, feelings and their responses) or, avoiding what we need to do to change.

But while blaming factors outside of your control gets you off the hook, the price you pay is the inability to create the reality you desire and want.

Even in a situation where it seems like your ex is calling all the shots, and all you can do is wait for your ex to decide what happens, you control a lot more than you think or know you do. You control YOU.

You control what you say. You control what you do. You control how you react. But most of all, you control how you think.

Next time when something “happens” that makes you feel like you have no say in the matter, examine your thoughts about it. What are you telling yourself to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened before, what is happening now and what may happen in the future?

If what you are telling yourself makes you feel helpless and/or hopeless, consciously decide to change your thinking from “I don’t know what else to do” to “I may be able to do something “.

This is not about just changing from negative to positive thoughts (sometimes you need a little dose of the “negative” to keep yourself realistic), but changing your response from feeling like you have no control over a situation to finding a solution that can change your current situation.

Some of my clients have told me that by just examining how they are thinking about what is happening, they can clearly see how trying too hard is turning off their ex.

2 – Stick to a course of action long enough to see change

Most needy and clingy people operate almost solely on emotion alone. Not only do emotions obscure their sound judgment, emotions by their very fluctuating nature make it hard to stick to any particular course of action.

The worst thing you can do to your chances of getting your ex back is be seen as not sure, or don’t know what you are doing to make the relationship work.

To show that you know what you are doing, don't try to do too much too soon. This is especially important when dealing with an ex who is not very responsive. Small consistent actions get you further than big drastic emotion-driven decisions — like cutting off all contact and two weeks later coming back claiming you want to give the relationship another chance. It doesn't inspire the kind of trust that communicates confidence in what you are doing.

It is important to keep in mind when setting up your personal improvement and growth goals and actions, the end goal is not to block any and all emotions — you do need your emotions for your heart or gut feeling decisions. The goal is to make sure that your decisions are not influenced by fear, worry, anxiety or attempts to manipulate your ex.

3 – Manage your communications effectively.

Your ex not only wants to know that you know what you are doing, he/she wants to be convinced that the relationship will work. He/she wants to know that there will be a pay-off for him/her trusting you enough to give you another chance.

To be convincing you have to be able to communicate the pay-off in a specific language. The words you use can create unnecessary conflict, escalate already existing feelings of resentment, or they can defuse conflict, prevent an argument, or warm up your ex’s heart, again.

As mentioned is Part 1, when you are needy and clingy, most of the time what you say or do is not received by your ex the way you intended. Often times, the more you try to explain what you actually meant, the more needy and clingy you appear to be. What started as a text to explain a previous misunderstanding ends up with 30 texts that made things worse.

To avoid these kind of “misunderstandings”:

i) Identify the ways in which your language contributes to your ex’s defensiveness or resentment towards you.

This is not easy as those words you shouldn't have said often come out in the heat of emotion. What I've found works for my clients is thinking back to a more recent argument, fight or situation that unintentionally went from bad to worse. What did you say that made your ex more defensive or unresponsive? Try to avoid using the same words or tone of voice.

ii) Use simple sentences, be brief and don't overstay your welcome.

This is especially hard when it feels so good to be talking to your ex again, and things seem to be going on so well. But if you have that love-hate dynamic going on, you know too well that the high will be followed by a low.

To avoid hitting the low, know when to end the conversation — usually on a high note. This keeps the lines of communication open and makes it easier to build momentum because you are not re-starting contacts every few weeks.

4- Try at least three times

There is no magic number for how many times you should try to get back your ex. My advice is: for an ex who is not responsive, try at least three times to make sure it’s really over. For one who is open to contact even if reluctantly, keep trying for as long as you can keep doing it.

But as mentioned in my other articles and book, persistence is not just a matter of stubbornly refusing to give up, or an excuse to make your ex’s life miserable.

i) You have to make the necessary changes that make you attractive to your ex, again.

ii) You have to have a good plan.

iii) You have to keep the lines of communication open and connect with your ex beyond “Hi, what’s up?” or “How’s your day”.

iv) You have to be consistent in your words and actions, and be seen as committed to making the relationship work.

v) You have to know how hard to push and when to step back and let things unfold naturally.

Last but not least, you have to know when it’s time to give up. That point when you know it’s time is not always black-and-white clear. What I find helps is keeping track of your progress. If after three months of doing all the above, you are exactly where you were when you began, then may be it’s time to give up.