Behaviour Getting your ex to emotionally open up, especially in the initial stages tends to be the most stressful part of the process for so many people trying to get their ex back. A good number of men and women go straight into “let’s try this again”. They pour their heart’s content in an email thinking that if only they can show their ex how sorry they are, how much they are still in love, and how much they want to give the relationship another chance, their ex will want to take them back.

Telling your ex how sorry you are and how much you still love him or her doesn’t work. The more “emotional” you get, the more emotionally closed off they become.

So how do you get him or her to emotionally open up again?

People open up ONLY and ONLY when they feel safe to do so.

In a majority of cases, a break-up creates suspicion and distrust. It’s a human thing to want to protect oneself from any more harm. The way most of us protect ourselves is create emotional barriers between ourselves and potential harm. As long as there is a sense that we might get harmed, the barriers will stay up.

So, if you find the two of you telling each other how much you love the other, but unable to find your way back to the relationship, it’s very likely that the issue is one of trust. Your responsibility as the person wanting to make things work is prove to your ex that he or she will not be harmed or injured by your actions. And how you do that is by creating an environment that makes your ex feel safe to let their guard down and allow you in again.

Below are some building blocks of trust.

1. Honesty.

The advice out there is that you should hold back information about yourself from your ex. There is sense in not overloading someone with details about your life, 1) they may not be interested and 2) they may use it against you. But if you want to build trust, you have to take the risk of being vulnerable.

Mind games, half-truths and avoiding direct contact with your ex don’t repair trust. To show your ex that you're sincere in your attempt to resolve things and try to build a better relationship, try as much as is possible to be transparent. It doesn't just make things easier, it gets the best results in the long run.

Much of the research on trust shows that people tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions. If others trust us, we tend to respond in kind. If they treat as with suspicion, we tend to view them with suspicion. If your ex for any reason thinks or even senses that you are less than sincere or are hiding something, he or she will interpret it as you don’t trust him or her, and therefore he or she can’t trust you. If you can't be trusted, then he or she isn't emotionally safe around you.


2. Personal Responsibility

It’s a human tendency to want to explain, defend oneself and set the record straight. We somehow believe that by “clarifying” things, we can get the other person to see things our way, understand why we did what we did, and hopefully want to give the relationship another chance.

In a perfect world and in some instances, explanations do have an impact. In the real world of break-ups, and especially in the initial stages of the break-up when emotions are still raw and blame is the menu of the day, explanations often come across as excuses, accusations, wanting to win the argument or have the last word. It doesn’t communicate emotional safety, and doesn’t rebuild trust. In fact it often makes things worse.

I’ve said it in my eBook and on many articles, bringing up the old relationship in the very initial stages of the process often works to your disadvantage. It tends to focus the attention on hurt feelings making it hard to move on from “what is wrong” to “what can be right”.

My advice is, re-establish contact, rebuild trust and goodwill, and only then do you bring up the issues in the old relationship. The reason being that, people generally tend to be more emotionally open when they feel that you genuinely care about them, and not just trying to push through your agenda.

That said, it doesn't
mean that you can’t take responsibility for your part in the demise of the relationship. A straightforward and heartfelt admission of the role you played without all the lengthy explanations of why you did what you did, pointing fingers or labelling your ex “unavailable”, “a commitment phobe” or “damaged” in any way can be your most effective move in terms of rebuilding trust.

People who understand the value of personal responsibility in rebuilding trust and can demonstrate that they have learned from their mistakes often have a better chance of getting their ex to feel that it’s safe to emotionally open up again. From here things quickly warm up and start moving forward towards reconciliation.

When it comes to an apology — which in my opinion is more effective after things have warmed up a little and the other person is willing to listen — a brief and to the point apology expressed with emotion, regret and deep insight into one’s actions goes a very long way.

No explanations, no excuses, accusation or defensiveness. Giving reasons, explanations and trying to “share the blame” equally, not only cancels the apology, it often infuriates the other person even more.

The best apologies are those expressed in person, simply because emotions are more believable and have more impact in real time.

3. Consistency

I always advise my clients not to be too concerned about whether an ex responds to a text, email or call immediately or responds a week later, but to look at the consistency of their positions as this is a better indicator of whether you are making progress – or being played.

Whether or not someone is consistent about where they are at tells you how much they value a relationship with you. Someone who values a relationship with you will say/do things that communicate that you can depend on them to do what they say they will do. Someone who is only interested in his or her agenda and what will benefit him or her, will say/do anything and be anyone you want them to be.

No reasonable person in his or her right mind should trust someone who does not want to be accountable or held responsible for what they say or do. You trust such a person at your own peril. If you say “but you said/did this”, they can easily say, “but now I say/do” and there is nothing you can do about it. This is the very reason why they keep changing positions — to be so slippery that you can’t hold them down to anything.

Consistency builds trust. Consistency builds credibility. Sometimes consistency erases mistakes. Most emotionally mature adults are willing to be patient with you if you are consistent and reliable.

To get your ex to a point where they feel safe to emotionally open up to you again, he or she needs to know that he or she can hold you responsible for what you say or do. He or she needs to know that he or she can reasonably predict how you will react or respond to whatever situation that might come up, especially those situations when things don’t go your way.

Like all of us, you may not always say or do all the right things (you are human!), but being consistent says that your heart is the right place, and you can be trusted.

If you find yourself saying and doing things — lying, playing mind games, doing things that go against your values or making promises you can not follow through, you are undermining your own trustworthiness.

Initially, it can seem like you are making headway with your agenda and getting results by changing your views and even values to whatever is expected of you at the time, but over time, your ex will figure it out — if they are smart enough.

Nothing confuses most people more than contradictions, and nothing turns off a majority of us more than fickleness or lack of a core or backbone. To rebuild trust, you need to be both consistent in what you say and do. You also need to show up authentically day after day, week after week, month after month.

Remember, once trust has been lost, rebuilding it takes time. Don't assume that you can re-establish trust by simply exchanging a few friendly texts, e-mails or phone chats. It may take several weeks and even months before your ex feels safe to let his or her guard down again — but it will definitely pay off.