Can you get back someone who left because he/she was unhappy in the relationship?

My personal opinion is that yes, you can. I strongly believe that most relationships problems can be resolved with the right skills, approach, attitude and goodwill.

But even I admit that getting back someone who left because he/she was not happy or felt dissatisfied in the relationship is much harder.

According to Keith Sanford, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology and neuroscience in Baylor’s College of Arts & Sciences, “A person’s level of relationship satisfaction is, by and large, a much stronger predictor of progress toward conflict resolution.”

In an effort to try to understand how a couple can have a big conflict and feel upset with each other, and then later proceed to a new point where the conflict is resolved and they feel happy with each other again, Sanford recruited a sample of 734 people in heterosexual marriages or cohabitation relationships. Each participant completed an Internet questionnaire that involved identifying a recent relationship conflict and answering questions about his or her use of negative communication. Importantly, participants also rated how upset they felt when the conflict was at its peak and also how they currently felt about the conflict.

“I used the difference between these two ratings as a measure of the extent of progress participants made toward resolution,” Sanford said.

“What I found was that the results were different for people in satisfying relationships and people in unhappy relationships,” he said. “For people in satisfying relationships, negative communication was associated with having bigger conflicts, but this effect was entirely harmless because big conflicts were always followed by big resolutions.

“People in satisfying relationships resolved their conflicts regardless of whether they used negative communication or not. In contrast, people in unhappy relationships tended to have big conflicts, and they tended to have trouble resolving their conflicts — and this was often true regardless of the type of communication they used.”

Until now, there have been two opposing ideas on negative communication in conflict: one is to refrain from using it, while the other suggests doing so is a natural part of productive interaction to resolve conflict.

To the extent that negative communication played any role, it appeared to be detrimental for resolution, but this effect was mostly negligible, Sanford said.

“It is important to keep in mind that communication may still be important in relationships for many reasons other than resolving conflicts. However, when it comes to resolving conflicts, it appears that keeping a feeling of satisfaction alive in a relationship is more important than the type of communication you use.”

In a layman’s language, if you are trying to get back an ex who walked away because he/she was unhappy or felt dissatisfied in the relationship, just pacing your contacts (aka low contact) or talking “nice” to your ex isn’t going to make him/her want to come back. What you should be working on is making sure that your ex feels that the relationship will meet his/her needs and wants.