Hey T,

I’m not sure if you read these letters or not, but I wanted to thank you for all the insights thus far.

I was pursued by the beautiful Stefanie, who was recently divorced. Everything was going great (though after reading your material I feel like a total wimp and a nice “loser” kind of guy) until I lost my patience and told her that I liked her a lot. I think this scared the crap out of her since it was her first relationship out of the divorce, and she ran for the hills.

She still wants to “casually” date me, which is a really good thing, now that I have your material! What stinks is that the relationship went from both a very strong mental and physical connection to a casual thing with no physical contact. We’ve had just one casual date since the “downgrade” talk, and it was a little awkward, but we still enjoyed each other, laughed, had good conversation, etc. I walked Stefanie to her car and we hugged, and then I kissed her on the side of the head (because I’m confused and didn’t want to lessen her Interest Level even more) and she said, “It’s all right. You can kiss me.” As a result, I have to assume that she still has a decent Interest Level in me, but she just can’t commit to anything serious right now because of the divorce baggage and having to sort through it.
what do you think Stefanie’s Interest Level is? She still wants to date me casually, or so she says. But is she just trying to be nice and hope that I get the hint and back off completely? I guess I just want to know if I should give up on Stefanie.

too late to work your principles in this situation?

Timmy — who is a Wimpus Americanus

Hi Timmy,
The biggest mistake you made was telling the beautiful Stefanie that you liked her a lot. To you psych majors, the key to women is patience.

because it’s such an all-important quality. But you lost your patience, dude, and that’s why you’re in the fix you’re in right now.

When you told Stefanie how much you dug her so early in your dating relationship, what happened was that her Interest Level probably dropped from 85% to 65% just from that comment alone. Throw in that she’s coming fresh out of a divorce, and no doubt she doesn’t want to feel any kind of pressure — and your remark generated lots of it. Since she just got out of a pressure-cooker relationship, hearing you lose your patience and start coming on heavy to her was the last thing she needed.

Kissing Stefanie on the side of the head was another mistake. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You kiss your grandmother on the side of the head, not your girlfriend.” You should have kissed Stefanie on the mouth. But it is a good sign that she told you that you could kiss her because it demonstrated that she wasn’t completely turned off to you. But if her Interest Level is as low as 51%, you might very well be almost out. Worse, it could be 49% and Stefanie is just wasting your time.

This babe could have committed to something if you hadn’t scared her off by telling her how much you fancied her. In which case you could have made her come to you and ask you to commit to her. That’s what “The System” teaches you to do, but you did it backwards, my friend. You didn’t have any patience, and this was the result.

What is Stefanie’s Interest Level now? Either 55% or 45%. Given those numbers, this is what I would do: I would call her and ask her out, but not for a Friday or Saturday. After each date, I would wait seven to nine days before calling her for another date. The point is this: You have to create an atmosphere here where Stefanie misses you. So you can’t come at her hard because if her Interest Level is only 49%, nothing is going to happen anyway. But if it’s 51% or 55% or 60%, you have a chance of boosting it back up. The keys are that you have to have a fun date. You can’t talk about your feelings. You have to keep it light and funny. And, again, you never ask her out for Friday or Saturday until she brings it up to you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she bugs you about seeing you on the weekend, there’s hope.”

We don’t know yet if Stefanie is trying to make you back off without coming right out and saying it. Of course you should start workingon her now. What would you be waiting for? And this just shows — like it does for every other guy who got my book — that you should have had it sooner. Then you would have known what to do with Stefanie because there’s a good chance that you’ve already blown it with a good one.

Is it too late to work my principles on Stefanie? It all depends on her Interest Level.

Remember, guys: Coming on heavy with a girl in the early stages is never a smart move.