reader's question
Hey T,

I’m in need of some of your coaching. Recently, I met Janine, a waitress at the local coffee shop. She struck up a conversation about a football game. As the next few months passed, I got to know her better through our short conversations. She always showed a lot of interest in me, asking what I did over the weekend, who I went out with, etc. She also tried to signal numerous times that she was single and that she shared similar interests with me. Although I realized  she wanted me to ask her out, I decided not to because I wasn’t sure whether I really liked her as more than a friend. Eventually, she asked me out to a movie, and I made up some excuse. I turned her down and could see that she was hurt by my response. Soon after this, her interest in me began to fade. But my interest in her began to grow, and I realized that I actually liked her and cared about her a lot, so I decided to ask her out.
you want what you can’t have

When I did, Janine was very rude to me and turned me down by saying that she would go out with me one day when she had the time. A few days later, she apologized and explained that she did like me and wanted to go out with me but was dealing with problems from the past and did not know what to do. As it turned out, she decided to get back together with her ex-boyfriend, and she started to treat me coldly. Annoyed by this, I decided not to go to her restaurant anymore.

When I did eventually go back weeks later, her demeanor was completely different and it has been ever since. She’s been all over me, talking, flirting, etc. She also explained that she was off for five days and didn’t have anything to do since her boyfriend had to work. She seemed to mention him reluctantly.

I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I like Janine (she’s stunning, by the way) a great deal, and she knows it too since I told her so. I also think that she still finds me attractive and knows that I care about her. I can tell from the look in her eyes that she does feel something for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Is she having second thoughts about her boyfriend and, therefore, lining me up should she decide to end it with him? Is she just playing mind games? Or does she feel pity for me and just wants to be friends?

Should I spot the red flags here? I am not sure where I stand with Janine and how I should deal with her going forward, especially if I have such strong feelings for her.

Kemp - who is scratching his head
T's response

Hi Kemp,

When Janine came at you hard at the beginning, you should have asked her out anyway, even if you weren’t sure how you felt about her. You should have taken her to Starbucks, gotten her out of her normal environment and saw how you felt about her after one date. With her coming on to you that strongly, you should have at least given her that one shot and seen if there was something in her personality that you liked. Then you would have avoided all the mess that ensued afterward. But you didn’t.

Of course Janine’s interest in you began to fade when you rejected her. Why should she dig you when you turned her down for a date? But then you changed your mind and decided you wanted to take her out. You’ve got a problem, Kemp. There’s something wrong with you. This girl backs off from you, and all of a sudden you see the light? When she rebuffed you she punctured your big ego. That’s what really happened.

When Janine told you that she would go out with you when she had the time, you should have seen that she was an uptight woman — a big red flag. To you Psych majors, you don’t want to get involved with an uptight woman. Women turn guys down all the time, but when Janine got rejected, she threw a little tantrum and treated you like crap. When a woman — or anybody — acts rude to you, they are out forever.
Worse, when Janine let it drop that she was dealing with problems from the past, it meant she had scars and baggage. This girl has heavy mileage on her, and she’s a psycho. So why are you pursuing her?

To boot, now there’s an ex-boyfriend in the picture. And she’s going back and forth with you like a yo-yo. There’s a boyfriend and inconsistent behavior on top of rudeness — another two reasons not to get involved with Janine. Do you really need any more?

Then she reversed gears and draped herself all over you, chatting, flirting, etc. My friend, you sure have a short memory. Someone is surly to you, and you just forgive her like nothing ever happened? What is it with you? Like most men when it comes to women, you’re weak.

And she hinted around that you should take her out since her boyfriend was working. In other words, she’s willing to be a sneak and run around behind his back and practice the virtue of loyalty! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one sounds like a real keeper!”
she's inconsistent
Kemp, you don’t know what to do because you haven’t memorized my program, which says when a woman is inconsistent, she’s out. Janine is stunning? Guy, you just got through telling me that you didn’t know if you liked her! So which is it? Hey, who doesn’t like a stunning girl? So you’re inconsistent too. But I’m glad you told her that you dug her so much. You’re a real Challenge, dude.
Let me explain something to you, Kemp. Because you care for a girl doesn’t mean anything to her. This is one of the most basic rules of my philosophy. If you like a girl, it doesn’t raise her Interest Level. Challenge and Humor raise her Interest Level, not knowing how you feel about her.

But you swear she feels something for you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I think she’s got a Cadillac in her eye!” Or you think she might be lining you up in case she dumps her boyfriend, or she’s just playing mind games. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Guy, you better lay off the funny cigarettes that have no writing on them!”

Janine doesn’t feel pity for you; she doesn’t feel anything for you, and she could care less about being your friend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just a guy who orders from her and over-tips her.” And that’s all you are.

The only strong feelings that count here are Janine’s, not yours. Forget her, move on and get a hold of my program as soon as possible. And, oh, yeah, find another coffee shop.

Remember, guys: When they run hot and cold, that's a red flag that should tell you to get out.