Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back. Others, like myself, believe communication is crucial to the continuity of any relationship.

Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together; without communication there is really no relationship. The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is to cut off lines of communication. But if you want a relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you have some kind of communication for the relationship to continue or survive.

Communication is even more important post break-up because:

1. Break-ups leave a lingering feelings suspicion, mistrust and tension, particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is unsalvageable. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication was what caused the break-up in the first place.

2. After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be – even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.

3. Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It suggests a kind of security in yourself. So while “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your emotional resilience. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the subconscious image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.

4. Open lines of communication keep the energy flow between you and your ex. It gives you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different. It also gives you better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. “No Contact” on the other hand keeps you in false hope longer than is necessary.

To be able to attract back your ex, it is crucial to pursue quality and respectful communication.

It is equally crucial that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy. Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.