If you have been reading my articles for sometime now, you know that I believe that there is nothing more important when it comes to relationships than EMOTIONS and feelings. You could even describe all my body of work as about “emotions”.

Now, we can argue all we want about “rational” thinking and how it’s more important than emotion, but at the end of the day, a relationship starts with a feeling (usually associated with an emotion), and is sustained or damaged by how one or both people feel.

If you still don’t think it’s all about EMOTIONS and feelings, try “reasoning” with an angry boy/girlfriend, partner or spouse and see how that works out for you. Better yet, try logically convincing your ex to come back… you have a better chance of selling a bridge to nowhere.

If you are not addressing the underlying emotions driving your relationship, you are not solving the problems in your relationship. If you are not directly talking to the emotions that caused your break-up, you are not making any progress towards getting your ex back. You may actually be making things worse.

Here is a good example of just how important it is to “talk” to the emotions in your broken relationship. Something happened and despite all your apologies (and begging, and crying, and begging, and pleading, and ….), your ex will not even give you the chance to explain yourself. The worst possible thing you can do in this situation is try to be “rational” about it. That will only make him or her more “emotional”, to put it politely.

You know what I’m talking about… that long email you sent explaining why you said/did what you said/did and why he/she should “understand’ that you are sorry. Yes, that pathetic email!

Oh, and the even much longer one you got back from your ex detailing how much you hurt him/her, and how hard it is for him/her to accept your apology. Not to mention those things he/she said you did a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time ago, and you thought were forgiven and forgotten.

If you find yourself being “rational” only to stir up more emotional upset, STOP digging.

Simply respond with a very short simple email agreeing with your ex that you HURT him/her. Mention in very short direct sentences how you hurt him/her. E.g. “I’m sorry I lied to YOU….” or “I’m sorry I betrayed YOU…”

Don’t try to EXPLAIN why you lied or betrayed him/her. Explanations cancel the apology. Explanations stir up emotions. Explanations rationalize away the hurt person’s emotions/feelings. Explanations insult the hurt person.

And don’t (for your own sake) start taking about how you feel… how much you LOVE him/her or what you want to see happen. Your ex doesn’t want to hear all that mushy stuff. And want him/her back? Are you kidding?

At this point the child in you must be screaming, “What about MY emotions and feelings?” , “I do have feelings too?”

Yes, you have feelings too. But who cares about your emotions and feelings, right now? Okay you do, but your ex doesn’t!

All your ex wants to HEAR is that his/her emotions and feelings are IMPORTANT — and those important emotions and feelings have been HURT… by you. Get it? His/her emotions have been hurt BY YOU!

Of course, that’s not true. Nobody is responsible for how another feels. The only person responsible for how they feel is the person “feeling”. But please don’t tell your ex that… not when he/she believes YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for how he/she feels!

Your most important mission right now is to talk to the emotions in the only language emotions understand (and it’s not logic). That language is, I FEEL YOUR HURT/PAIN!

Until your ex really gets that you FEEL his/her hurt and pain (caused by you), anything else is a waste of time — and logic.