"Half the truth is often a great lie."--Benjamin Franklin
Deception can take so many different forms that it is impossible to describe all the ways that lovers can mislead each other.
It is much easier to describe the basic verbal strategies that people use when lying, rather than list all the possible forms that deception can take.
On the pages that follow, the specific issues are addressed:
·                                 what is deception
·                                 basic rules underlying conversations
·                                 exploiting how conversations work
·                                 using abstract language to obscure the truth

What Is The Definition of Deception?
Deception involves acting in such a way which leads another person to believe something that you, yourself, do not believe to be.
The following example helps illustrate this point:
Brad and Spencer
Brad and Spencer are both part of the same circle of friends.  Even though Brad and Spencer aren't close friends, they do a lot of things together, and as one would expect, they act friendly toward each other.
Brad, however, has a crush on Spencer's girlfriend, Denise.
To be more precise, Brad and Denise both have a little crush on each other and flirt behind Spencer's back.  And because all three of them run in the same social circle, they spend a lot of time together.
To pull this off, Brad (not to mention, Denise) constantly has to avoid telling the truth in front of Spencer.  Brad also has to do countless things that a normal friend would do with Denise, while never creating the impression that he has a crush on her.  Brad's behavior in front of Spencer is based, in large part, on what Brad believes Spencer would consider normal and appropriate behavior between two friends.
And like a lot of people who have been in a similar situation, Brad doesn't think that he has actually lied to Spencer.  After all, Spencer hasn't asked Brad outright if he has feelings for Denise.  Then again, why would Spencer ask such a question in the first place?  Brad has been going out of his way to avoid creating a situation where such a question might come up....
Simple Test for Deception

People often claim that they are not misleading others even though they are intentionally withholding important information from them.  People like to think this way, because it makes it easier for them to deceive others.
So, a good test to see if you are lying to someone is as follows:
If you have nothing to hide, why not tell the complete truth?
This is usually the best way to determine if you are misleading someone, regardless of your intent.
As you can see, this definition of deception is very broad; it encompasses a wide range of behaviors.  But, there is a good reason for viewing deception this way.
When thinking about our own deceptive behavior, we like to think in very narrow and technical terms - like telling someone a blatant falsehood.  Of course it is in our interest to think this way; it makes us feel both less guilty and less accountable for our behavior.
Taking such a narrow view of deception helps us maintain a positive self-image, which actually makes it easier to mislead others.  It is easier to deceive someone when you don't think of your behavior as being deceptive.
This is important, given that most deception occurs through means other than telling outright lies.  In fact, deception is often best accomplished by what is left unsaid (explained in detail on the page that follows).
But on the other hand, when we discover that a loved one has been acting in a way which leads us to believe things that are not true, our definition of deception suddenly becomes more inclusive (broad).
When it comes to deception, people tend to be rather big hypocrites.  When I leave out important details, I'm not misleading you.  But, when you do the same to me, it feels deceptive.
Think back to our example about Brad and Spencer for a minute.  How might Spencer react, if he were to discover that Brad and Denise have a crush on each other and they flirt behind his back.  Do you think Spencer is going to be any happier knowing that Brad (and Denise) didn't technically tell a single lie?
This is why a broad definition of deception is more useful than a narrow point of view.  A broad definition of deception is simply more honest.

What Are The Basic Rules People Exploit When Lying?
To understand the verbal strategies we use to deceive each other – it helps to understand how the typical conversation works.
Paul Grice, a famous scholar, noted that all conversations follow a basic set of rules, which people use to express themselves when speaking.
Grice's rules (called maxims) are at work every time we talk to someone.
Without these rules, conversations would be impossible to have.  While everyone follows the rules, that doesn't necessarily mean that people are aware of what the rules are or how they work.  In fact, Grice's maxims often work in the background - outside of our immediate awareness (see, Brown and Levinsen).
What are the implicit rules we follow when talking to each other?
The four basic rules (maxims) are:



Maxim of Quality

According to the first rule – people are expected to say what they know to be true.  When talking with each other – we expect people to tell us the truth.
If your spouse asks, "...have you seen my car keys?" An honest answer is expected.
Maxim of Quantity

According to this rule – when talking, people are expected to provide just enough information to get their point across.  People should not provide too much or too little information.
So, when you get home from an important meeting and your spouse asks, "What happened today?” - you are expected to answer the question without providing too much detail ("The meeting started three minutes late, I sat by the door, the first person to speak...") or too little information ("Not much.").
Maxim of Relation

According to this rule – you are expected to stay on the topic.  In other words, make sure that your comments fit with what is being talked about - make sure your comments are relevant.
If your spouse asks "How was your day?" and you say "I hate tomatoes" - you are not playing by the rules... you are expected to make a contribution that is somewhat related to the topic at hand.
Maxim of Manner

Finally, the last rule states that your comments should be direct, clear, and to the point.  You should avoid using vague or ambiguous language when speaking.
If your boyfriend asks, "How does my new shirt look?" and you respond "It's interesting," you have broken Maxim of Manner - you are not being clear and direct.
Overall, these simple conversational rules are very useful - both when they are followed and when they are noticeably broken.
Following the Rules/Maxims

When the rules are followed it is very easy for people to understand each other.  What people say is explicit, direct, and to the point.  People say what they mean.
Noticeably Breaking the Rules/Maxims

These rules, however, are useful even when they are broken.  If a speaker breaks the rules in a way that is noticeable (called "flouting"), we try to figure out why it happened - "...why did she say that?"
The following examples show how this works:
If someone asks you, “How much did your house cost?” and you respond by saying “Enough” - well, hopefully they will get the point ("It's none of your business.")
This is how we imply meaning – we say things without actually having to say them by breaking Grice's rules overtly (out in the open).
One more example of flouting the maxims: Imagine that you and a friend at work are sitting around work complaining about your boss.  Mid-sentence your friend abruptly switches the topic (breaks the Maxim of Relation).  Without saying a word your friend has told what you need to know.
As can be seen, Grice's rules are important – we follow them when we want to be explicitly clear and direct.
And we break the rules in an obvious, noticeable in order to make a point without having to be explicit about the point being made.
We also exploit these four basic rules when trying to deceive each other...

Exploiting Conversational Rules to Deceive Others
"Never forget that a half truth is a whole lie."--Unknown
Not only do Grice's Maxims (rules) help us have an honest exchange of ideas, but they also come into play when we try to mislead each other.
In particular, deception occurs when we act like we are following the rules, while trying to secretly break them.
And deception can take several different forms depending on the maxim which is being broken.
The following example demonstrates how this happens:
Imagine that you are recently married and your spouse is out of town for the weekend.  On Saturday night you are restless and decided to go out with one of your friends for the evening.  Although it is not really part of the plan, you end up at a bar and have a little too much to drink.  By the end of the evening, you find yourself flirting with an attractive stranger.  Because you've had too much to drink, you're not thinking very clearly.  Although you love your spouse, you end up kissing the stranger you've been flirting with.
The next day you're talking to your spouse on the phone and he or she asks “What did you do last night?”
There are several different ways that you can respond:
Telling the Truth

You can follow Grice's maxims and tell the truth – “I was bored, went out with a friend, ended up at a bar, drank too much, and I kissed a stranger I was flirting with.”
But, this is not likely to happen.
More likely, you will try to mislead your spouse by pretending to follow the rules, while secretly breaking them.
A Direct Lie (Blatant Lie or Bold Faced Lie)

You can secretly break the Maxim of Quality – you can say something that you know is literally not true: “I stayed home last night and watched TV.”
An Indirect Lie (Lie of Omission)

Or you can secretly break the Maxim of Quantity – you can say something that is literally true, but incomplete.  That is, you leave out critical and important details.  Your spouse, on the other hand, thinks that you are following the rules – that you have said all that needs to be said, when in fact, you are withholding essential information.  So, your spouse thinks that he or she has the complete picture, but in reality he or she does not.
For example, you might say something like, “I went out for a few drinks with ...”
One more example helps show how we make assumptions about completeness (Maxim of Quantity) when talking.  Imagine that you pick-up a rental car in the morning.  You ask the attendant when you have to return the car.  The attendant tells you "By 8pm." The rental agent, however, fails to tell you that you need to return the car to a different location after 6pm.  Again, the attendant's answer is literally true, but it is incomplete.  When people withhold information we assume that we’ve been told "all we need to know" - we make this assumption all the time when talking to each other.
An Evasive Response

Or you can try to secretly break the Maxim of Relation or Manner by trying to change the topic or you can appear to give a response which doesn't really answer the question.
For instance, you can say something like, “What did you do last night?” or you might response by being vague (“not much”).
Differences among these types of responses

For the most part, people try to avoid telling a direct, blatant, bold-faced lie, especially when facts can be easily checked.  People are more comfortable telling a bold-faced lie when they know that their story can't be verified.
On the other hand, people prefer to tell indirect lies (lie of omission), whenever possible. Indirect lies don't make us feel as guilty.  We feel like we are actually telling the truth, but we just happened to leave out a few details here and there…



While people feel better about telling an indirect lie as compared to a direct lie, the person being misled doesn't see it that way - they still feel that they have been lied to.
Finally, evasive answers are simply seen as being evasive.  We tend to notice when people side-step questions or are not being clear.

Using Abstraction to Obscure the Truth
People also use “abstract language” to conceal the truth from others.
Language varies in its level of abstraction.
At a very low level of abstraction, words provide specific details about what is going on – information about who, what, where, when and why.
On the other hand, at a high level of abstraction, events and actions are described in vary broad and general terms.
Low Level of Abstraction
High Level of Abstraction
granny smith apple
fruit
reading e-mail
working
running 5 miles
exercising
watching a Seinfeld rerun
relaxing
 The following examples help illustrate these differences:


When speaking at a low level of abstraction, others have a fairly good idea about what is going on.
By comparison, speaking at a high level abstraction obscures the details.  “Exercising” can include many different activities, whereas “running 5 miles” is more descriptive and concrete.
Or say your husband tells you he'll be home "in a little bit." Does he mean 30 minutes or several hours?
People often use abstract language when trying to conceal the truth (details) from others.
For example, imagine that you call your wife at work and ask, “What are you doing?”
And you get one of the following responses:
“I'm talking to Chris about our fight this morning.” (low level)
“I'm busy right now.” (high level)
If you notice your partner speaking abstractly, it might help ask for the details: “What exactly are you doing?” or “What exactly do you mean?”
But, keep in mind that asking detailed questions does not guarantee that the truth will be told.
Ultimately, the best way to get the truth is to create an environment where people are comfortable being honest with each other.