"The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe."-- H. L. Mencken

When it comes to love and romance, self-deception can be useful because the truth about our close relationships can be difficult to acknowledge.
Few people always want to know the truth or seek it out.  In fact, many people actively deny the truth until they are forced to deal with it.
We rarely see the world as it really is.  Our perception of the world is biased, our memories betray us, and our true motives can remain hidden.
For better or worse, we constantly convince ourselves of things that are not true.  We kid ourselves about the most basic things in life: Who we are and what is going on around us.
Most of the time we lie to ourselves in order to maintain a sense of control.  After all, no one likes feeling vulnerable or helpless.
All of us experience the world through various filters - most of which are designed to make life more bearable.
In fact, it would be possible to devote an entire website to the topic of self-deception and social interaction.  But for our purposes, we will highlight just a few of the biases that play a role in our romantic relationships.
To start with, please take a look at the following examples.  These perceptual tricks illustrate how we don't always experience the world as it really is.



• selective attention
• imposing beliefs on things we see
• discounting evidence which contradicts our beliefs
• advantages of self deception
• disadvantages of self deception
• more perception tricks








Selective Attention
We never take in the world as it is.
Rather we are very selective about the things we notice and to which we give our attention.
Most of the world passes us by with little awareness or thought (for review of research on selective attention, see Fiske and Taylor).
Think for a moment about all of the insects that are in your immediate environment.  Do you notice the spider in the corner of the room?  Or the ant crawling across the floor?  Probably not.
People pay attention to certain events while ignoring others.
And there are big differences in what individuals pay attention to.  Have you ever spent an evening with entomologist (person who studies bugs)?  If you have, you would quickly realize that insects are everywhere and that most people simply ignore them.
Or have you ever bought a new car only to suddenly discover it everywhere you go?
And business owners tell stories about changing the color of their building, only to have people, who have walked by their shop everyday for years, suddenly ask - "When did you open?"
Simply put, our take on reality is highly influenced by what we pay attention to.  If you do not pay attention to insects (or have not recently purchased a new car), the world looks somewhat different to you.
And this happens in our romantic relationships as well.
If you are the type of person who is always looking for problems in your relationship, guess what you are going to find?
And on the other hand, if you think that your husband or wife can never do any wrong, guess what you won't see?
Are you a punctual person?
How many times does your husband or wife keep you waiting?
Are you a tidy person?
How often does your boyfriend or girlfriend leave their clothes on the floor?
Are you single, but want to be in a relationship?
Do you see happy couples everywhere you go?
Or consider this, some people are so fearful of rejection, called "rejection sensitivity," that they constantly see signs that their partner is going to leave them (e.g., "you are not paying attention to me; you didn't return my phone call right away.").  Ironically, people who are prone to "rejection sensitivity" can be so difficult to deal with that their partners are actually more likely to leave them (see, Downey and Feldman and anxious attachment).
The examples could go on forever...
But, the important thing to realize that is that none of us see the world as it is.  We ignore most of what happens around us.  Our attention is limited to a very narrow range of events.



We Impose Our Beliefs on the World around Us
When it comes to love and romance, not only do we pay selective attention to certain events and actions, but we also impose our beliefs on what we see.
It is impossible to experience a situation "as it is." Rather we experience situations in light of our beliefs about what is happening.
Simply put, our beliefs influence what we experience.  So, people, who hold different beliefs, experience the same situation differently.
For example, one of our clients “believes” that women everywhere adore him.  As such, he turns every friendly interaction with a waitress, a flight attendant, or an administrative assistant into an ego boost (“Did you see that?”).
On the other hand, if you “believe” that individuals working with the public often treat their customers in a friendly manner, then these interactions take on a different meaning altogether.
And remember, not only do we interpret situations in light of our beliefs, but we only give our attention to certain situations from the start.  In this case, our client only pays attention to the times when women are friendly with him and he ignores instances where the exact same women are just as friendly to everyone else.
So why are we picking on a client?  First, he knows about this example and he finds it amusing.  Second, we are picking on him because it is much easier to see how “beliefs” can influence experience when the experience is not your own.
It is very difficult for anyone to separate their own beliefs from their experience.  To the person involved, one's “biases” are their "reality."
Another example helps illustrate this point:
One of our friends had wanted to buy an expensive leather jacket for years.  The day he purchased his new jacket he wore it out to a club.  As luck would have it, everyone at the club was looking in his direction.  So our friend did what comes naturally; he interpreted the situation in light of his beliefs (“This leather jacket makes me look great – I should have gotten it years ago.”).  Unfortunately, our friend failed to notice that the reason everyone was looking in his direction, was not because of his new leather jacket, but because a celebrity was standing behind him.
Or imagine that you are out for dinner with your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, and you notice your partner glancing at someone attractive on the other side of the room?  How do you interpret this situation?  Do you find it amusing, threatening, harmless, or annoying?
Again, our experience of any event is not influence by “what just happened,” but by our assumptions about what happened.
Our beliefs may be right, or they may be wrong, or they may be a little of both.
Unfortunately, it is often difficult to separate fact from fiction.  Other people may lie about what happened, but we also misperceive things as well.
To make things even more complicated, most of the events that we experience on a daily basis are ambiguous – most events are open to more than one interpretation.  But, few of us go through life acknowledging this.
Few of us walk around claiming "that was ambiguous, and so was that...” - rather we like to convince ourselves otherwise - “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it...”
Imposing our beliefs on the world takes little energy and effort and it gives us a sense of reassurance.  Trying to discover the truth, on the other hand, is difficult, complicated, and confusing.  For most of us, it is simply easier to impose our beliefs on events than to explore situations from multiple points of view.
And the idea that “beliefs” influence experience is particularly true when it comes to love and romance.
Our “beliefs about intimacy” greatly influence what we experience in our intimate relationships.  Hundreds of studies have shown that individuals will experience the same relational event differently based on the beliefs they hold.
Do you believe that your partner is honest, decent, and caring?  Well, that is what you're most likely seen.












People Discount Evidence
When confronted with facts or information which contradicts what we believe, rather than change our beliefs, we usually dismiss or discount the evidence.
For instance, most parents believe that their children are wonderful and can do no wrong.  So when confronted by evidence of their son's or daughter's wrongdoing, parents will often go to great lengths to discount the facts – that can't be true “my son or daughter would never do something like that.”
Our judgment is not always guided by reason and logic.  In fact, people often engage in irrational thinking – dismissing evidence in order to maintain a version of the world which suits them.  In some cases, people will overlook medical problems, like dismissing a persistent cough or lump, rather than entertain the possibility that something might be seriously wrong.  The opposite can also happen.  People, who are convinced they are sick, will discount evidence of their health.
Discounting evidence also happens a lot in our close relationships.
For example, people often overlook or discount evidence of their spouse's affair – holding on to the belief that their spouse would never cheat, despite evidence to the contrary.
And the opposite is true as well.
Some people are so convinced that their husband or wife is cheating that they consistently discount evidence of their partner's fidelity.
As a general rule of thumb - our beliefs are just as important, and in some cases more important, than the actual evidence one encounters.
Advantages of Self Deception
A certain degree of self deception is critical when it comes to maintaining a romantic relationship.
Potential problems exist in all close relationships.  People, who put the best possible spin on things, usually handle problems better.
Self deception is useful because it allows people to ignore everyday mistakes, flaws, and failures.  Self deception allows people to see “the best” in a spouse or partner, even when “the best” may not be there. 
Holding such positive illusions helps make a relationship work.
All of the evidence shows that people who are positively self-deceptive about their romantic partners have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships.
Or think of it this way: 
Who would you want to be in a relationship with?
Someone who is slightly delusional and thinks that you are the BEST person around?
Or someone who sees your every flaw and mistake?
People who see the world more clearly, are less happy and satisfied than individuals who engage in positive self deception.
In fact, depression is often linked to more accurate social perception.  People who are clinically depressed have a better read on situations than non-depressed individuals.  But, this accurate social perception comes with a cost – negative feelings, cynicism and despair.
Simply put, people who do not engage in positive self deception are difficult to deal with in a close relationship.  Such individuals are more likely to focus mistakes and dwell on problems.
As such, lying to one's self, to a certain extent, is useful when it comes to love and romance.
Self deception helps couples cope with life's problems, it helps people maintain a positive self-concept, and it helps romantic partners get along better.








Self-Deception Also Carries Some Risk
While self-deception helps couples see the best in each other, it can also prevent partners from dealing with important issues.
Self-deception can create more harm than good when it limits people from seeing important warning signs, or it leads people to overlook serious problems, or it causes people to put the best spin on everything that happen.
Self-deception is not healthy when it prevents people from dealing with serious issues - issues which are detrimental to one's emotional, mental or physical health (e.g., infidelity, abuse, inconsiderate behavior, a lack of love, and so on).
Unfortunately, there are many examples of people who have built illusions; illusions which end up being costly to maintain in the long run.
To a certain extent, relationships could not survive without some level of self-deception.  But too much optimism or denial can be just as costly.
The trick is to engage in self-deception in order to see the best in a partner without letting self-deception create too much vulnerability.