When I was nine, my parents split up and I became yet another divorce victim statistic. Divorce is most painful on the children, but as I grew up, I came to the realization that some people are better off apart, despite what so many experts preach.

And now, more than ever, it seems that more and more parents are coming to such a realization, and the result ultimately leaves many a divorced parent looking to get back into the dating game to find love again.

But is it even possible to experience romance as a single parent? Of course it is. The real question is "how?" To start, there are so many hoops to jump through in order to meet a compatible partner and maintain a solid relationship. The first time around, you had only yourself to consider, and perhaps your parents if you came from a traditional family. Now the scenario is more delicate.
It's Strange For The Kids
I remember what it was like when my parents' divorce was final and they each began dating other people. Awkward. Awkward for me and very awkward for my parents. It did not have to be that way, however. In retrospect, I realize that communication (my favorite word) was the key to making the best of a painful situation.

Communication from the start, that is. From the divorce to that first date, you have to be upfront with your kids and let them know what life is like as an adult: how people make mistakes and disagree; why relationships turn sour; how even parents (perish the thought) need to date and socialize, and so on. If you shelter children from these pearls of wisdom, you can count on confusion and resentment to set in. Trust me, I know.
So What Do You Say?
In addition, when you step back into the crazy world of dinner dates and first impressions, you have to be careful. Here are some tips on how to proceed:

Be honest with your child
If your child is old enough to understand the concept (use your judgment and then subtract five years), explain that you need to socialize in order to maintain your sanity as an adult. Reassure him or her that nobody can take the place of his parents and that as an adult, you need to be around other people like yourself.

Don't worry, your child will understand..

To help ease the pain of this realization, give your all to your child throughout the day and week. Make a clear delineation between their time with you and your time alone, either at home or out on a date. Some single parents are so paranoid about their children's emotional state post-divorce that they smother them and sacrifice their own leisure time.

These parents fool themselves into thinking that all the extra attention they pay their children will protect them from, well, everything. Wrong. All it does is stifle their independence and stunt their personal growth. In addition, they never witness their parents behaving like autonomous adults, as all their spare energy is devoted to them.

The point is that, in the short-term, it's far better to leave a crying child with a trusted babysitter at the door than to raise a sheltered and spoiled child who has no concept of normal interpersonal relationships. Children need to see their parents behave like adults. Anything less is plain abnormal.

Screen applicants rigorously
Romance is great, but when you fall for the wrong person as a single parent the results can be tragic. You have to maintain a solid emotional balance for the sake of your child and inherent in that is a cautious approach to romance.

Be resilient and almost resistant to give your heart away. That way, whoever is patient enough to pene
trate your armor and abide by your rules, will be a good partner for you and your child. If they have children of their own, they may be more receptive to your needs as a parent. But not for certain.

Since parents have their own methods to rear their kids, the potential for disagreements may arise. Just stick to a plan. Unlike single people, single parents have to lay down a mandate. As a father or mother, your needs are secondary and take a backseat to the healthy development of your child. If there is even a hint to the contrary, cut off the relationship. The stakes are real now and a romance has to be compatible with your lifestyle as a responsible (but not overprotective) parent.

Engage the help of family and friends in the pursuit of a good partner. They know you and your child best and can be a great source for "candidates." Just make sure the person knows your entire situation beforehand. You can spare them the details of your divorce until they gain your trust, but tell them you are a parent from the start. This information may somehow be important to them, as you can imagine.

Find a babysitter, date like you're single, and make it all worthwhile...



Date like you're single, at first
How do you conduct yourself on dates as a single parent? Well, not much different than before to be honest. If the other person is a parent, you can discuss your mutual interests and experiences without worry. Otherwise, you may not want to dominate the conversation with talk of parenthood.

Then again, do not ignore the topic; in order for someone to get to know you, you must share details about your child. My point is more to gauge the mood of the conversation before you launch into a story about how your son forgot his lunch at home that day. Be selective at first.

Find someone worthy to babysit
Other important considerations when you date as a single parent are less obscure. Find someone you trust to babysit, such as a family member or close friend. Schedule the date at an appropriate time and place. In other words, take it slow with coffee and lunch dates. As the relationship and romance develops, step it up a notch with dinner and perhaps even a weekend away.

Make the introduction
When you meet a special person and feel comfortable with them, the time will come when you will want to introduce them to your child. Some may disagree but I see it as a question of communication and trust.

If a good portion of your week is now spent with this individual, on the phone or in person, your child deserves an introduction. You need their seal of approval! Why some parents feel shame when they embark on a new relationship is a mystery to me. Mystery is the perfect term because that is what you perpetuate when you fail to make the connection between your child and new love.

Again, be honest and explain just who the person is and what they mean to you. Spend time together: go on a picnic, rent a video and make some popcorn, or take a walk. Just make the transition as painless as possible, with incremental and "non"-phony exposure to the person.
It's Okay To Date
The most important message here is to not feel bad about your need to socialize and experience romance as a single parent. I have seen shame eat away at fathers and mothers who meet someone new and want to make them a permanent fixture in their lives.

To love and need love is natural and must be done in front of the child in an open way to increase their personal awareness of how the world of adults works. If you can let go of that guilt as a single parent and date without negative consequences on your mandate as a parent, your life and the life of your child will be much happier.